For All To Hear by Susan L.

On November 10, 2004 I asked my new-found Lord the question, "Who am I?" Deep within Black River was His answer, "This is who you are not." He began to swim beside me. I struggled to understand Love and the River proved true to its course by showing me what Love was not. The word, "but" does not exist in true love. It requires no limitations or correction or justification. God's love simply is and always will be. My fractured personality, carefully constructed and wrapped in my own armor had been created in the desperate mode of survival and self-preservation. The armor was cast aside and my heart opened in taking the huge risk to become vulnerable and open. God showed me the Martha-me who had accomplished so much, driven by the need to perform, to please others, to get it right. She embraced the once hated Mary-me, the sensitive, gentle, fragile wounded spirit of my femininity. Mary taught me how to weep with joy or to allow the healing tears of grief to fall. Through her I learned to identify and embrace the myriad blessings of emotion. Decades had been spent with a numbed heart and mind within the Black River of depression. This was all new to me. Mary forgave Martha's hate and the two became united. Martha had been the one who led me to kneel before my God and surrender my life to Him when Mary nearly gave in to the pain and heartbreak of living. The River taught me to reach out my hand when the current tried to sweep me under, a drowning woman. I learned I was worth helping and that God would place others in a position to honour the couragous gamble it took to ask or even admit,"I need help." It was always there and no longer would I need to go it alone. As I slowly unpacked the nightmare boxes of the traumas, the abuse, the beyrayals that had been sealed tight to survive, bit by bit God's take on these events began to disempower them. I learned I can forgive everything mentally but knew only God can heal my heart. I remember these things and the pain and bitterness is being slowly washed away through the grace of God. I learned we can be healed from the deepest scars and wounds. It has been a struggle, this discovery of "self". It has not been easy to admit my sins, my faults, mu erroneous ways but these have been confessed and continue to be confessed as I grow and learn. Not because of harsh condemnation but through God's lovinthe g correction has the poison of regret been cast aside. I could only do the best that I could with the tools I had at the time. It is all any of us can do. Most of all I learned the power of claiming God's truth before others. I am learning to ignore the knotted stomach and feelings of shame as I proclaim my birthright and my true identity. I embrace the woman God made me to be. Not with pride but with reverence because she would not exist without the Lord at her side. I am a creator: mother, artist, gardener, author, woodworker, seamstress, musician. I am a leader, teacher, peer. With God as my strength I am a soldier, an explorer, His gatekeeper, and most importantly I am His child. Within that inner child is the ability to laugh at the ridiculous and appreciate the simple things in life like the summer sun on a field of grain. This child contains my ability to play, to pray and to be simply in the moment, still and quiet before God. Martha,Mary, the child. They are me and I am them. It is a good thing God has made. Abba, I reclaim the black November memories and place them at Your feet. Your will be done in Jesus name amen. "And I (Jesus) have declared to them Your (God's) name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them." Jn 17:26