Martinis by Susan L.

As I left my therapist's office yesterday I said to her, "I feel like a James Bond martini: shaken, not stirred." We both laughed but it was an appropriate metaphor for the profound change that had taken place during our time together. She truly is a gift from God. On Monday night I was reading a book and was surprised into reading something that triggered a very powerful memory of a childhood incident of sexual abuse. On the heels of that, images of self harm reared their ugly head; the bedfellows of dark rememberance. There's a couple of good things about this: one, the memory was not a flashback. Flashbacks consume you, transporting you into a memory and the world around you vanishes. It doesn't matter where you are. Once triggered they simply take over your entire consciousness. They themselves are terrifying, never mind the subject matter. This time that didn't happen.What unsettled me was I was sure this particular event was a closed book, that I had worked it through painful moment by painful moment with God at my side. So, yes, through the grace of forgiveness and the blessings of Truth, the terrible impact this had on my life and perceptions has been redeemed. In all of this what concerned me was whether or not I was trying to undermine my own well being; that a self-destruct mechanism was at work. Was this a preemptive strike to wreck my joy before someone or something else could do it for me? (Shadows of the ax.) The second good thing was my mind was all over the map yesterday until God's words fell from my therapist's lips, " You know, Susan, the grief, the mourning is finished." Those words shook me to my core. Tears of relief, joy, gratitude, understanding and peace pricked at my eyes. I felt another piece of my foundation in Christ fall into place because I AM in a good place. I am allowed to be here, allowed to be happy and content...It is kind of sad though that I need permission but I'll leave that for another day. Help me, Lord, believe Your truth with all my heart and soul and mind. Amen. "To him who overcomes I will give the right to eat from the Tree of Life which is in the midst of the Paradise of God." Rev 2:7