Bull's Eye by Susan L.

While watching a YouTube video I could feel fingers of disquiet enter my heart and mind. It was a brief lecture delivered by a man who believed passionately about what he was talking about. The subject was very interesting but I found him hard to listen to because he came across to me as being very angry. An arrow had struck home. When it ended I felt unsettled and nervous but didn't understand where this was coming from. Bits of old feelings began to surface particularly the part that lived constantly like a deer in the headlights. I was surrounded by very angry men for a long time. The deer mode meant the anger wouldn't come my way. I love the "ah-hah!". It has been difficult for me to attend church. My anxiety disorder makes being in crowds utterly exhausting. Loud crowds are even worse. I realize now that there is another reason: forceful male voices trigger the wounded woman in me. That's okay and based on my experiences perfectly understandable. Consciously I recognize that these men, preachers and teachers are not angry, just intense in how they express themselves. Eventually I believe hearing such men will no longer be an issue because in the beginning of my recovery this trigger would have devastated me for days. Now the awareness comes within moments and the emotional fallout is embraced, accepted, and given back to God. He will heal me in His good time. "I will both lie down in peace and sleep; For You, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Ps 4:8