Aftershocks

   I've had to sit on things for a bit to allow my heart to catch up with my head. I mentioned last post about attempting to work two more days per week. It meant working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday instead of just Tuesdays and Fridays. 

  It made sense to anticipate it would come with some fatigue and anxiety. Change in routine does that. As the weeks progressed, it left me hunkering down whenever I was off. Things started sliding at home. Decision making was nearly impossible. And when I say decision making I mean trying to decide what to pack for lunch was enough to send me into panic attack territory. But I persevered because that's what you do when you are trying to overcome something.

  Then the meltdown happened. Over nothing really, just another work email. 

  How can I explain? 

  The primal survival instincts take over. Logic goes out the window right along with the rest of the ole gray matter. What once saved us from tigers is still alive an well in the suburban jungle. 

  Just one too many emails had devastating (to me) consequences; igniting a full on panic attack. (They suck by the way.)

  As much as I wanted to expand my role at work even to the point of expressing an interest in a lead position, this miserable, unpredictable, jack in the box who lives inside wanted no part of it.

  It's taken these two weeks for the anxiety hangover to begin dissipating. When the red alert goes rogue, it stays in the red for a long time. I am still challenged if I have to do more than one thing at once so I try not to take on too much.

  At least my heart and head are talking again.

  God knows when we need to grieve.

  There's a ton of anger. I did not choose this. I did not ask for this. I sure as heck wish it would go away permanently.

  How do you divorce the piece of your soul that reminds you of the past no matter how hard you try and move above and beyond the scars that created PTSD? It just keeps coming.

  Oh, things were good for a long while. Maybe that's part of the grief...I thought I was healed.

  What can I say? I don't feel much like prettying it up right now. It's more important to be honest.

  Lord, guide me to the right scripture to close off today...

  "I will pardon my people's crimes, which I have not yet pardoned; and I, the Lord, will make my home in Jerusalem with my people." Joel 3:21

  

  

  

  

  

  

A Tentative Re-start

It's been a rough day. Spending the day drafting a letter has made me realize how much I miss writing. I admit, signing into blogger and finding there are still people out there checking in is such a God given affirmation. My words live on even if I don't write. It's an honour, really.

  So, it's a Covid world...nah...it's still God's world and miracles still happen. Children are born. Dinners cooked. Laundry washed. Normalcy in the midst of insanity. When the bane of my mask filled existence is trying to open a plastic bag without licking a finger...life is ok. 

  I will give you snapshots of what's been happening since I last put fingers to the keyboard.

  I choked on my tea during an online staff meeting...my supervisor was very quick to ask if this was a new cough...I found it rather amusing and so very sad at the same time.

  My yard was graced with a vegetable garden this summer. Covid boredom led to starting vegetable seeds inside. They needed a place to grow ergo, a flowerbed got revamped. It's nice to now have a pantry cupboard full of homemade relishes, pickles and jam. Haven't been inclined to do that for years.

  There have been multiple attempts at sewing the perfect mask. The local hospital issued a design early on in the pandemic, calling out to all sewers to fill a desperate need. So I did. 500 for them. 100 for my fellow staff at work. Since then, finding one that doesn't fog up my glasses has been like trying to find the fabled Atlantis. While Atlantis has remained illusive, the mask didn't. Success is a wonderful thing.

  I just finished a new winter quilt for my bed. That filled a couple of months.

  Attempted to work two more days per week for the last two months. The crash came Tuesday. It's left me reeling a bit and feeling discombobulated. Heartbroken, too. I had so wanted this and when the opportunity knocked twice, I thought it was a Divine one. 

  Hmmm...maybe it was at that. Maybe it was God reinforcing trust in Him that no matter my work situation, He will provide. Maybe He is showing me how to love myself more despite a disability. I guess giving up the two extra days is just that...if not loving, at least it's kind and an exercise in grace. Maybe sometime in the future I can give it another go. I'll leave that up to Him.

  What else?

  I am enjoying the house in all it's new finery. The kitchen is a pleasure to cook in so I am eating better. 

  Had to get a new kitchen table. Even though my desk conversion of the old one was successful, the table was simply too big for the space. I found a smaller, squarer antique one with a hidden leaf that pops up out of the middle of the table. In a pinch, and once Covid is over, I could entertain a half dozen people for dinner. Short of having family over for a barbecue, it's something I've never done.

  Why, when things are forbidden, do you want to do them?

  

  While I hesitate to make any promises, I hope to be back on a more regular basis. The blog helps my faith life stay on track. Yah, I confess, with church and home church going virtual, something is missing. I need to get it back. Or is that anew?

  "For those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty" Psalm 91:1

  

Awakening

  I awakened early with a sense of urgency. WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!

  It’s been a long while yet the weeks and months have passed in a blur; couldn’t tell you the last time I blogged.  I don’t think I am supposed to apologize for this or even justify the reasons why the writing screeched to a halt. Hmmm….I am feeling rather guilty this morning.

  Perhaps if I share that I am no longer living on my own, at least temporarily…or maybe permanently. We aren’t sure but there’s no hurry to decide. There is a lot to take into consideration.

  The friend I stayed with during the renos ended up staying here at the start of the Covid outbreak to allow her son and family to use her place. When the pandemic exploded, we decided to stay together in case there was a major lockdown. Neither of us wanted to ride out the storm alone.  The lockdown didn’t happen but both of us have come to realize we are good for each other.

  That’s part of why the blog stalled: having someone to talk to in the morning is such a blessing. Having someone to talk to a good part of the time is an even greater blessing.

  It’s not the deep, philosophical conversations that mean so much, although they are an important part of our friendship. It’s the little bits of banter back and forth about the garden, the houseplants, what we are watching on TV. It’s having help deciding what to cook for supper. It’s having the desire to cook supper! It’s having someone to bounce ideas off of. It’s being free to be silly.

  I have never laughed so much. I never realized how great a hole there was in my life simply because I rarely laughed. There was rarely a reason to.

  Who’d have thought I would finally understand the importance of community in the midst of a season where gathering together is banned. But doesn’t that fully demonstrate the unquenchable abilities of Jesus, the Redeemer?

 

  I have been alone for a long, long time. It’s only in hindsight that I realize just how lonely that was.

  I also thought I would not be able to live with someone. But that particular idea is not of God. All wars are fought on the strategy of divide and conquer. The war for our hearts and souls is based on this strategy.

  When I bought my house over thirteen years ago, I knew it was a place meant to be shared. It’s taken thirteen years for this to bear fruit. And it’s not just for my friend, her family has been here. Another friend asked me for a patch of garden to grown some flowers. A couple of church ladies had a social distancing picnic in my back yard. People have popped by for a driveway chat.

  In the process, I am letting go of the need for isolation or perhaps it would be better to call it my fear of people.

  So I will wrap this up by giving thanks for the wonderful changes brought about because of a virus.

  AMEN!

Not Just for Funerals

  “The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows,

                he leads me beside peaceful streams.

                he renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

                bringing honour to his name.

Even when I walk

                through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

                for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

                protect and comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

  My heart reaches out to those of you who are alone, quarantined, self-isolating or mandated to stay inside. I pray for the families who are faced with the monumental task of keeping their children safe. I pray for the retirement communities who are under lock down to protect this vulnerable sector.

  I pray for those who do not do well in solitude. May your presence be known to them.

  I pray for those who face losing their jobs, their businesses, and their dreams in these unprecedented times.

  Lord, the news here is mostly about my own country with brief notes and statistics about our global family although I haven’t watched the news very often. I have been burdened with wondering how those who are living in refugee camps worldwide are faring. I lift them up to you, watch over them and keep them well.

   I know firsthand that the pandemic has been particularly hard on the homeless here in my own town. Most of the resources normally providing a safe place to get warm or get something to eat have closed their doors. Thank you for the volunteers who are working hard to care for these marginalized people.

  There is so much fear right now. Fear does terrible things. It changes us. For those who are afraid, may you find peace.

  In 1983 Mr. Rogers, a much loved host of a long ago children’s show, wrote, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me. “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

  God bless the helpers. God bless those who aren’t able to help as well. Be with us all.

 Even in the midst of all this, seeing spring unfold has given such a lift to my own spirits. The eagles have returned to their nest. The morning bird chorus is loud especially this morning following the gentle rain that fell through the night. The spring peepers (the frogs I so look forward to hearing) have started waking up and fill the warm, afternoon air with their song. It won’t be long before their chorus continues through the night.

  It fills my heart with hope and excitement. Summer is around the corner. 

 

Psalm 91

  “Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday.” Psalm 91:5-6

  As of last night, I felt the need to write this morning: firstly to touch base with my global family in this time of crises and uncertainty and secondly, to encourage all of us to pray for the world, our countries, our villages, our neighbours and our families.

  It is easy to get swept up in the panic and, I admit, I have to do some real wrangling to not let the situation get a hold of me. Thankfully, I am not home alone because a friend, who was staying with me for a bit, has elected to stay on longer. If we end up being quarantined, neither of us wants to be housebound alone during the storm.

  Here in Canada, all the grocery stores have empty shelves. It is surreal in a land of plenty to see such need. It is surreal in a land of plenty to see such greed.

  Please pray that a heart of generosity and community will rise above all other considerations.

 

  My heart is burdened in knowing there are people who lack the means to stock up. There are people who have been laid off their jobs as businesses close their doors according to government instructions.

  There are people who have no place of sanctuary…this is the greatest burden on my heart. The nights are cold, the days are cold. We had snow flurries yesterday. With libraries, restaurants, and even our drop-in closed (this week at least), there is no place for those in dire need to come in and get warm.

  Please pray for those living in the squalid, unsanitary, crowded conditions of refugee camps throughout the globe.

  Please pray for those who have lost loved ones to Covid-19.

  Please pray for those who are sick.

  Please pray for our governments and health services: the decision makers, the doctors, nurses and staff who are on the front lines.

 

  This pandemic is an opportunity to drive home that we are a global village. What affects one place, affects everyone. Let this lesson become the birthplace of unprecedented global peace and partnerships.

  Thank you and God be with you all.

Grounding

 "Each time he (the Lord) said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."" 2 Corinthians 12:9

  While I can't go into details, a situation has arisen that challenges me to my very core. It stirred up the old lessons, the old thinking, that corrupted my sense of worth. Praise God, despite these events I haven't sunk as low as in the past when such things happened.
  The thoughts are like stale crackers, tasting of dust and the cupboard. I am able to recognize them for what they are: lies. They simply don't belong in my life any more.

  Hmmm...this is a new thing; to not get sucked into the past! Instead, there has been much prayer to know how to proceed.
  I know there is anger about what happened on so many different levels but I ask God to soften that anger or at least help me express it in a manner that is not hurtful. To be honest, there's a desire to strike back, to hurt the one who hurt me but that response is another stale cracker and not the way of Jesus.
  It's also why I needed to write this morning, to help me refocus on what is truly important: the love of Jesus. AMEN!
 
 
 

Catching Up

  “The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow to it.” Proverbs 11:22

 I’ve been busy with projects in the house trying to get it completely finished although finishing means starting, too! The living room is all in disarray as I tackle the ceiling before putting new paint on the walls. The ceiling is ugly stucco, sagging in places and worn out so I have decided to cover it with whitewashed, pine tongue and groove paneling.

  Originally, I was going to get my contractor back to put new drywall up but decided to go with the wood. There are a couple of reasons. One, I can DIY it. Two, it will create the cottage feel I am going for. It did mean investing in an air nailer and compressor because holding up the wood and hammering it into place at the same time requires three arms. I’ve only got two. (Smile.)

  The last couple of days have been spent installing the strapping required to nail the paneling to. It was a fussy job because the ceiling isn’t level. It undulates like a calm sea! I’ve done my best to make it even, using plenty of shims. It may need some tweaking but I’ll have a better idea where once the boards are being installed.

  The pine has been sitting in the hallway for a little more than a week, getting acclimatized to the space. It still has a few more days to go before it can be installed. I’ve left it longer than the package suggests so there will be no chance it will shrink once it’s up. That was the lesson of an experience of having to redo an entire job because the wood pulled apart as it dried.

  The plan is to paint it before installing it. That’s far easier on the neck.

  I feel blessed for past experiences which have given me the knowhow to do this.

  The other project that chewed up a whack of time was giving my linen cupboard and an inexpensive storage wardrobe a face lift. It was orange toned, faux wood that no longer goes with my décor. It’s also the first thing you see when you come in the side door.

   The inspiration came from an idea in a magazine to use trim, a variety of handles and different peel and stick wallpaper to create false drawers and doors. Our local ReStore was a great source for used door handles. I cut down trim that was torn out during the reno rather than buying new. It was a picky, finicky job, too but gave me a good chance to practice using my new air nailer.

  The end result was better than I imagined.

  Once the living room is finished, all that’s left is painting the stairs and addressing the entry into the basement. I might use pine paneling on the walls for some continuity. Right now it’s just covered with blue styrophome insulation.  The cement floor at the bottom of the stairs needs some love, too.  It’s like the ceiling….undulating. (Whoever built the house must not have owned a level!) There’s flooring left over I want to install down there to make it pretty. That’s why the cement needs to be as smooth as possible. 

  But that’s a job for another day. (Smile.) 

  It would seem I can set goals after all.

The Gift of Hope

  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

  “Heal the sick who are there and tell them, ‘The kingdom of God has come near to you.’” Luke 10:9

  I had an epiphany yesterday during the teaching section of yesterday’s church service.

  Being healed isn’t the same as having all the bad stuff go away. Being healed is being able to move forward through life in all its fullness despite our challenges. Life in its fullness contains memories, hopes and dreams, emotions, knowledge, community, relationships and experiences… (Smile.) There is more to life than this but I have limited time this morning to write a list that would take a lifetime to compile. (Chuckle. Sometimes I end up way over my head.)

  The other day, I had been speaking with a friend about the yin and yang symbol…the one that looks like two commas intertwined. One is white, the other black. It’s rather restrictive to categorize the different aspects of life into either good or bad, white or black. However, if you spin the symbol really fast, it blurs into gray. It is transformed into something far beyond the sum total of its parts.

  It helps me re frame the idea that difficulties are out and out bad. Sure they stink. And oh, yes, it can be extremely unpleasant to be in the midst of them!

  I ended up missing even more of the teaching because then I pondered on the idea that Jesus bore the scars of His crucifixion even though He was brought back to life through the resurrection. The scars on His hands and feet were necessary for Him to become something much more for us. The scars never stopped Him being the Son of God.

  Poor Thomas, I think he gets the short end of the stick for needing to place his hand in the wound on Jesus’ side before he would believe that Christ had returned. But the scar was there wasn’t it?

  I’ve heard the idea of living a “resurrection life” many times but didn’t understand what that meant until now.

  It means embracing the idea that I am far more than the sum total of my experiences. It means letting go of the idea that somehow I am less than because I am broken. God spins out of this brokenness not just gray, but silver! Through Christ, I am more, much more because I am His child. Nothing will ever change that.

 

  I say this often, how grateful I am for all the ugly experiences and hard times because God can use and has used every single one of them. The scars are there for others to poke and prod in order to find belonging and grace and acceptance. My role as a peer support worker wouldn’t exist without them. The ability to hear other people’s stories without judgment wouldn’t exist either…that’s a gift I am incredibly grateful for.

  So, maybe that’s how I am able to declare I am living a healed, resurrection life: through gratitude.

  It’s where joy, peace and hope are born.

  Ah, yes. Hope.

  I know that sometimes hope is as elusive as smoke. I also know, in being a follower of Jesus, it’s very easy to beat ourselves up when we have no hope; when our own Black Rivers are running deep and cold and fast. So here’s what I will do…I believe in the power of hope held in trust. I will guard your hope and keep it safe until you are ready to hold on to it for yourself. Be assured, that day will come.

  Thank You, Jesus.

 

Disassociation

  “For God in all His fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him, God reconciled everything to himself.” Colossians 1:19-20

  The last several mornings have been spent honing a speech for last night's event: the mental health focused Ears to Hear hosted by our church. It went very well. I was confident that God had provided exactly what was needed to be said. During the hours spent writing, and honestly, the first draft was full of anger, I was able to learn a little bit more about myself.

  I have recently become aware of something that happens regularly. I disassociate whenever I feel stressed or unsafe. My mind disconnects from the present.  To quote what was shared last night, it’s like living in a déjà vu moment that doesn’t end. There have been a few times when the disconnection was complete and I have no recollection of events. It’s not a pleasant feeling!

  The scary part is even though I have no memories of certain events; apparently I carried on conversations and appeared to be “normal.”

  It’s the brain’s way of protecting itself from extreme emotion. It is part of the fight/flight instinct, an automatic survival mechanism built into our physiology. Somewhere along the line, mine reached the point it had a hair trigger so whenever I feel even slightly nervous or unsafe, it kicks in.

  I’ve been praying lately for the Lord to help me remember the names of people I meet for the first time; something I struggle with doing. Initially, I thought this inability was due to a lack of caring or disinterest. And I felt bad about it!

  This new understanding has me realize whenever someone new comes along, my brain kicks into its survival mode because I don’t know if I can trust the person so therefore need to be ready to run. If I am not fully present, memory and cognitive functions are impaired because they aren’t necessary for survival in the moment. At least, this is what my body is telling me even if it isn’t true.

  This also explains why I wander around the grocery store talking to myself. It keeps me focused in the moment when crowds of people are around, there’s a lot of visual stimulation and my brain is on high alert. It’s difficult to shop when the shopping list has been relegated to being not needed in this moment of DANGER. (Smile.) It’s not a memory issue at all.

  That’s something else, too, God has revealed. For the most part, my brain is on high alert all the time. It’s one of the residual effects of having experienced repeated trauma. It’s a symptom of PTSD.

  But here’s the good part. I’ve shared many times that emotional trauma can cause a brain injury similar to that of a stroke. This disassociation thing is part of that. The primal fight/flight responses have been repeatedly called into action so my brain takes this shortcut automatically and far faster than my logic can compensate for.

  At least, this is how it has been.

  Feeling unsafe is at its core. I don’t feel very safe most of the time which is also a huge realization and totally unnecessary. There are no saber toothed tigers at Walmart. (Another smile.)

  Besides talking to myself, there are other tools I can utilize to help me remain present in the moment until my brain learns new, and far more pleasant pathways. Last night, a friend lent me an essential oil infused bracelet to rub against my wrist. I believe the oil was a huge help and pressing the beads against my wrist was absolutely effective in helping me stay present. It’s a little kinder than snapping a rubber band, a tool I’ve heard other people use.

  So another aspect of the Black River has been brought out of the depths. I am relieved and excited to begin learning a new way of living. Praise God!!

Anchors Aweigh

 “God blesses…” Mathew 5:3

  This is the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus teaches us the Beatitudes.

  I asked the question…was it only yesterday? What is it about Jesus that makes Him the ideal expression of love? I awoke this morning with a chuckle because for 2000+ years, there have been countless sermons on this exact topic. It is what the Bible teaches us in its 1300 pages! It is not something I can fully answer in a brief blog! Especially since I only understand a fraction of what the love of God is in all its fullness.

  During one of the leadership videos, I learned that this and the following passages are central to the BIC faith (Be in Christ.) Being involved with leadership, it strikes me that this is an important area to implant into my thoughts, attitudes and dealings with others.

  It’s as good a place as any to start this morning.

  Smile. I don’t plan on interpreting these passages as a rule book about conduct. On my own, I could never live up to them! Perhaps that’s why Jesus starts off with blessing those who realize their need for Him because only through this need can the rest fall into place in our hearts.

  Hmmmm…this is a different sort of poverty thinking; one that has its roots firmly entrenched in humility not my wallet. But it isn’t a destitute type of poverty, it is a poverty of spirit infused with hope because I KNOW Jesus is central to what I do and say, at least when I take the time to listen. (Smile.)

  So being unsure and lacking confidence can be good things because when this happens, I turn to Jesus. That’s something I’ve never thought about before, how these are truly gifts that fuel my heart’s quest for growth and understanding.

 

  I am trying to wrap my head around the idea of how a lack of confidence has become an intrinsic part of confidence. The best way to describe it is by using the yin and yang, black and white Taoist symbol that looks like two commas intertwined. The two combined are part of a greater whole.

  One cannot exist without the other.

  Oh, I can recount many times when being confident has ended up backfiring because I was solely relying on my own abilities. Hmmm, aren’t those abilities gifts from God?  Another yin and yang.

  Be attitudes. (Oh, how I love a play on words!) Beautiful attitudes. Let’s toss the anchor of it all into the river—gratitude.

  Lord, there are days when I venture forth in confidence, sure footed and eager to do whatever task is at hand. Thank You for blessing me with this gift because at its core lay the sure knowledge that You are with me, that You have prepared me, and it’s only through You I am able to succeed. Thank You as well for experiences even when they can be tough. AMEN!

She Who Leads Must Follow

    “Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ.” Ephesians 4:11-12

  There is much to think about these days as I explore the various facets of leadership and the church I belong to. I took time to write out all the questions posed by the training videos I was required to watch as part of the requirements for leadership at the Meeting House. They were fantastic!

  In one of the videos, Bruxy shared an anecdote about when he was interviewed by the Meeting House for his position as teaching pastor. He was asked about his vision for the church and his thoughts on growing the numbers. His response was that he had no plan to expand the population but what he wanted to foster was a healthy church.

  He then went on to describe his vision of a healthy church.

  He’s good. He made me want to be part of it!

  Smile. I guess I am!

  Healthy is not a synonym for perfection! It is, however, a representation of the journey towards perfection, that example of perfection always being Jesus.

  I want to add that being part of this mission towards a healthy church does not come with any sort of condemnation towards my brothers and sisters who attend other churches, whose faith practices are different than my own. That’s part of being healthy…not judging. In fact, it’s being open to learning from them, too!

  (Smile.) I have to confess that this happens most of the time but sometimes it doesn’t. It takes practice.

  After finishing my post the other day, I wrote out a question of my own…”What is it about Jesus that makes him the ideal expression of love?”

  On the heels of typing this out this morning, another question arose, “Why do I want to become like him?”

  My first answer right off the top of my head is because there are things I want purged from my life. Things like hate, suspicion, and fear…oh…and yes, judgement! More importantly, I want to be like Him because I have experienced his peace, joy, grace, forgiveness, patience, compassion, and love on this journey along the Black River. I want to be in a position to give this to others.

  That’s a cool thing as well. I may not have arrived at my destination, but, through Jesus, I have been able to share these wonderful expressions of love with others along the way. And this is not just because of what I do, where I work, or my role in the church, it is because it is who God made me to be.

  And that, I feel, is the greatest attribute of leadership…being completely unaware that I am leading at all! I only need to be true to myself yet open to correction and guidance then let God do the rest. AMEN!

On the Leader Ship

    “Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ.” Ephesians 4:11-13

  I am greatly relieved we have been provided a video series on what leadership in the church should look like. There are some thought provoking questions asked as well, over and above what the series covers.

  Living solo provides few opportunities to have any sort of a conversation about these things. That, and because I think more clearly through writing (it sinks in better), I felt the next few mornings will provide an opportunity to ponder some answers, ideas and perhaps, pose a few questions of my own.

  Smile. Who am I kidding? Of course there will be questions!

  Firstly, this is stretching my abilities to think about the future. It has always been a huge stumbling block. Maybe it’s time to shed old fears in order to step out with confidence in my new role as part of my church’s board of directors.

  Let's start by assessing where I am at. I mentioned yesterday that working in peer support has already taught me many of the attributes of a good leader. I need to identify what exactly those attributes are.  

  As a professional peer support worker…I guess it is professional because I have attended training and continue to work to improve my abilities in this paid position.

  Paid or not, it is all about serving others by listening, encouraging, empowering, and honouring their stories and experiences. It isn’t a position where I need to have all the answers but a role of giving space to each individual to discover their own best answers. My role is not to fix problems but to come alongside others as they pursue truth and wellness. What that looks like is as diverse as the population I serve.

  What do I do? It could be something as mundane as helping to organize some paperwork. It also might mean listening to some heart wrenching life experiences. It might be getting someone a cup of coffee or showing them where such things are so they can help themselves. Keeping the space clean and welcoming is also part of serving.

  It’s a role where I have had ample opportunity to practice letting go of judgment. Most of the time I can…sometimes not so much. Those are teachable moments that help me uncover my own prejudices and ignorance!

  Hmmm…these things I do are also a huge part of who I am. I don’t need to change because my new role involves the church. If anything it adds a dimension better than anything I could ever imagine. I can openly utilize the greatest tools of my faith: prayer and keeping my eyes on Jesus. To lead is to follow and who better to follow than Jesus!

  Which leads (smile) into an area I need to explore further:  what is it about Jesus that makes Him the ideal expression of love? His sacrifice on the Cross is only one fraction of His holy purpose.

  Looks like I am going to be doing another Bible study! Lord, guide me to the passages I need to explore. Help me see and learn and grow from this. In Jesus name, AMEN!

Homework

  “All who declare that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God.” 1 John 4:15

  This is one of two passages we were encouraged to meditate upon over the course of this week, specifically the love of God revealed through Jesus. Part of this homework is to read our Bible, engage with Jesus-centred people, read books and watch podcasts. It’s also important to ask lots of questions. I’d like to add the importance of having worship music filling the house when the other tasks of life require attention. (It turns dusting into a dance!)

  These aren’t religious rules but if I view these tasks through the lens of love, I realize God made sure His Word was made available to us so that every individual could come to an understanding of Jesus. Reading it is an expression of my own love and gratitude for being given such a gift. I can be grateful God has provided the means to own not just one but several translations of the Bible. Then there’s the internet…a wealth of opportunity to plug in questions and find answers although, they need to be tested. If Jesus isn’t at the centre of the answers, if the response is void of love, chances are the information online isn’t totally right.

  But I don’t have to figure this out all on my own because God blesses each of us with the Holy Spirit, the indwelling heart, to guide us and help us discern truth.

  If God is love, the foundation of all I do and say needs to pass through God’s heart.  (Thank You, Lord, for this beautiful image.)This is trans-formative!! God’s heart can take our hurts, our anger, our grief and redeem them. Then they become a testimony of healing, grace and peace. Our own ability to love expands a thousand fold.

  No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

  Ok. Now I understand where the expression, “God never gives us more than we can handle” comes from. Bitter experience has shown me this isn’t necessarily true but I can share that there has always been an escape route laid out before me even if I couldn’t see it at the time. Hindsight has enabled me to see exactly who played a part, where they were, when it happened and how this escape route was put before me.

 

  It’s good to be back writing. Starting the day sipping a coffee and being filled with an influx of gratitude and joy for all God has done, and discovering more about who He is, fills me with a hunger to do more and learn more for Him.

  But before I can do more, I have to become more. Sometimes the becoming just sort of happens when I step out in faith and obedience to God's calling. But that is another post. Smile.Glory be to God! AMEN!

Back in the Saddle

“Then Jesus told him, ‘I have entered the world to render judgment—to give sight to the blind and to show those who think they see that they are blind.” John 9:39

  Firstly, I am going to apologize to my readers for having disappeared for such a long time. The past few months have flown by.  The work is 98% finished. However, once the kitchen and bath were done, my bedroom needed new paint and the living room needs some work as well. This was not in the plans but once everything is done, the entire house will have had a face lift.

  The renovations turned out better than I could have ever imagined. The kitchen is a bright and delightful place to work. The bath is a sanctuary. My bedroom, with new furniture and its new paint, has shed the shadows of the dark days when I hunkered down and hid. New furniture graces the living room as well, breaking the chains of poverty thinking and simply making do.

  And boy, have I purged!! It has felt good to get rid of things that were held on to as part of poverty thinking. Even if they had no value, they were kept “just in case”. I can’t begin to express the joy and freedom the uncluttered life brings.

  They say it takes two months to learn a new habit so I suppose I learned the habit of not doing a blog in the morning over these past months. Yesterday’s sermon came with the encouragement to meditate on a God’s Word for fifteen minutes a day, an established habit that had gotten lost in the chaos of the renovations. Now the dust has settled, it’s of the utmost importance to reintroduce this way of grounding my day in God and learning more of Jesus.

  There have been many changes in the last little while. Not just in the house but in my life and heart as well. It seems the external renovations created many internal ones.

  Where do I start?

  The larger, 4-5000mg, pharmacist recommended dose of vitamin D continues to work its wonders. I am amazed at how a simple, inexpensive supplement can make such a difference in my mental health. If I miss a couple of days, I notice the difference in my mood right away. Its important not to miss.

  I have been elected to a position on the church board of directors, a position I felt ill qualified to handle but decided to accept. We have been given some videos to watch about leadership so I had a look at them a couple of weeks ago. They have put my mind at ease. Many of the attributes of a good leader are what I have learned doing peer support. The skills are transferable. I was amazed and humbled by the connection and how God has done a lot of preparation in my heart for this new work.

  The Meeting House (my church) is delving into mental health for the month of February. I am excited to be part of the dialogue as a key speaker at an event entitled “Ears to Hear.” Each site will be hosting such an event. I am speaking at ours. Praise God for helping me figure out what to share without going into the “why” I live with depression and PTSD.  Instead I will talk about my struggles with accepting my diagnosis and overcoming the prejudices that left a wake of self-loathing in their path.

  But the best thing of all is the metamorphosis brought about by living with someone for ten weeks. Even though we didn’t know each other that well in the beginning, I have found a lifelong friend. In that friendship, I have discovered the importance of community, of not spending so much time alone.

  Community has shown me just how lonely I was. But that can be something that is rectified.

  Community has shown me I am not alone.

  Community is also recognizing my own worth in being part of it.

  And this, my friends, is the greatest gift of all…for once I was blind, but now I see.

  AMEN!