Disassociation

  “For God in all His fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him, God reconciled everything to himself.” Colossians 1:19-20

  The last several mornings have been spent honing a speech for last night's event: the mental health focused Ears to Hear hosted by our church. It went very well. I was confident that God had provided exactly what was needed to be said. During the hours spent writing, and honestly, the first draft was full of anger, I was able to learn a little bit more about myself.

  I have recently become aware of something that happens regularly. I disassociate whenever I feel stressed or unsafe. My mind disconnects from the present.  To quote what was shared last night, it’s like living in a déjà vu moment that doesn’t end. There have been a few times when the disconnection was complete and I have no recollection of events. It’s not a pleasant feeling!

  The scary part is even though I have no memories of certain events; apparently I carried on conversations and appeared to be “normal.”

  It’s the brain’s way of protecting itself from extreme emotion. It is part of the fight/flight instinct, an automatic survival mechanism built into our physiology. Somewhere along the line, mine reached the point it had a hair trigger so whenever I feel even slightly nervous or unsafe, it kicks in.

  I’ve been praying lately for the Lord to help me remember the names of people I meet for the first time; something I struggle with doing. Initially, I thought this inability was due to a lack of caring or disinterest. And I felt bad about it!

  This new understanding has me realize whenever someone new comes along, my brain kicks into its survival mode because I don’t know if I can trust the person so therefore need to be ready to run. If I am not fully present, memory and cognitive functions are impaired because they aren’t necessary for survival in the moment. At least, this is what my body is telling me even if it isn’t true.

  This also explains why I wander around the grocery store talking to myself. It keeps me focused in the moment when crowds of people are around, there’s a lot of visual stimulation and my brain is on high alert. It’s difficult to shop when the shopping list has been relegated to being not needed in this moment of DANGER. (Smile.) It’s not a memory issue at all.

  That’s something else, too, God has revealed. For the most part, my brain is on high alert all the time. It’s one of the residual effects of having experienced repeated trauma. It’s a symptom of PTSD.

  But here’s the good part. I’ve shared many times that emotional trauma can cause a brain injury similar to that of a stroke. This disassociation thing is part of that. The primal fight/flight responses have been repeatedly called into action so my brain takes this shortcut automatically and far faster than my logic can compensate for.

  At least, this is how it has been.

  Feeling unsafe is at its core. I don’t feel very safe most of the time which is also a huge realization and totally unnecessary. There are no saber toothed tigers at Walmart. (Another smile.)

  Besides talking to myself, there are other tools I can utilize to help me remain present in the moment until my brain learns new, and far more pleasant pathways. Last night, a friend lent me an essential oil infused bracelet to rub against my wrist. I believe the oil was a huge help and pressing the beads against my wrist was absolutely effective in helping me stay present. It’s a little kinder than snapping a rubber band, a tool I’ve heard other people use.

  So another aspect of the Black River has been brought out of the depths. I am relieved and excited to begin learning a new way of living. Praise God!!