Aftershocks

   I've had to sit on things for a bit to allow my heart to catch up with my head. I mentioned last post about attempting to work two more days per week. It meant working Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday instead of just Tuesdays and Fridays. 

  It made sense to anticipate it would come with some fatigue and anxiety. Change in routine does that. As the weeks progressed, it left me hunkering down whenever I was off. Things started sliding at home. Decision making was nearly impossible. And when I say decision making I mean trying to decide what to pack for lunch was enough to send me into panic attack territory. But I persevered because that's what you do when you are trying to overcome something.

  Then the meltdown happened. Over nothing really, just another work email. 

  How can I explain? 

  The primal survival instincts take over. Logic goes out the window right along with the rest of the ole gray matter. What once saved us from tigers is still alive an well in the suburban jungle. 

  Just one too many emails had devastating (to me) consequences; igniting a full on panic attack. (They suck by the way.)

  As much as I wanted to expand my role at work even to the point of expressing an interest in a lead position, this miserable, unpredictable, jack in the box who lives inside wanted no part of it.

  It's taken these two weeks for the anxiety hangover to begin dissipating. When the red alert goes rogue, it stays in the red for a long time. I am still challenged if I have to do more than one thing at once so I try not to take on too much.

  At least my heart and head are talking again.

  God knows when we need to grieve.

  There's a ton of anger. I did not choose this. I did not ask for this. I sure as heck wish it would go away permanently.

  How do you divorce the piece of your soul that reminds you of the past no matter how hard you try and move above and beyond the scars that created PTSD? It just keeps coming.

  Oh, things were good for a long while. Maybe that's part of the grief...I thought I was healed.

  What can I say? I don't feel much like prettying it up right now. It's more important to be honest.

  Lord, guide me to the right scripture to close off today...

  "I will pardon my people's crimes, which I have not yet pardoned; and I, the Lord, will make my home in Jerusalem with my people." Joel 3:21