I have understanding. 2 Timothy 2:7

 

    I started drawing mandelas the other day. They help me put the mental filing cabinet back in order. They force me to be still physically and mentally as I draw the repeated patterns round and round the circle grid. Without calm, without this off button, understanding cannot form.

 

  It’s led me to understanding more about living with PTSD. Symptoms include flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, anxiety, disassociation and hyper vigilance amongst other things. I’ve read the list often enough. Totally understand the flashbacks and panic attacks although they have lessened in severity over the years. Nightmares. Yup. They are pretty self explanatory. Anxiety is ever present, for the most part.

 Hyper vigilance is been described as a state of extreme alertness that undermines a quality of life. Maybe those who defined it weren’t able to explain it any better, not having lived experience.  

  There has been a big “ah-hah!”  It’s been a while.

  What I have previously thought was disassociation isn’t.

  I can thank Covid for this. There hasn’t been anywhere to go except for the grocery store and work. It’s given me time to realize why the crash came after trying to work four days a week. It wasn’t the stress of the job or the change. There weren’t any new skills to learn. I simply expanded the amount of hours I did the role I was used to.

  But it left me utterly exhausted. Eight weeks and I was done. It took months to recover.

  Now I understand why.

  When I leave the house the high alert setting kicks in. It’s the déjà vu mode where the world around me takes on a surreal quality. What I thought was disassociation must be what a state of extreme alertness feels like. The déjà vu comparison is the best one I can think of.  

  This is not a conscious response. This is not because I am afraid to go out or even that there’s anything out there that is going to cause me harm. At least, I consciously realize this. The subconscious mind has its own ideas.

  Here’s the why I wasn’t able to continue working the extra time: it was eight weeks of adrenaline induced alertness to everything that was all around me without adequate time to decompress. Eight weeks of constantly assessing a thousand micro inputs to the senses without being consciously aware this is what I was doing. Like a rabbit sniffing the air before he leaves his burrow…It’s something rabbits do without thinking. It’s what they learned is necessary for their survival.

  This is my brain’s default setting.

  It’s been trained well.

  When I stop and think about it, I realize the hyper alertness has been my constant, silent companion for as long as I can remember. Which, while sad to say and even sadder to realize, means that feeling safe has been a rare event.

  There are moments now that I do. They are precious, those moments when I catch a glimpse of peace.

  So where do I go from here? I have no idea if there is a permanent off switch. Probably not. There are still occasions when the auto-response fight or flight can save your life. It’s why we have it in the first place.

  I think kindness is a good place to start. I need some advice, too, on how to re-teach the rabbit. Not every situation hides a wolf. It would be nice, too, if it didn’t involve simply pushing through. I’ve had a life time of that as well and I am tired of the fight.

 

  Lord, I give thanks for this fresh insight into life as I know it. Help me not treat this as being wrong even while I pray for something better. AMEN!