Following the Bouncing Ball

 

  Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me!” John 7:37

  During a conversation with a friend, a strategy began to evolve about how to move forward in this journey to disarm the all pervasive hyper vigilance.
  I am exceedingly grateful that God has honoured the “why” throughout my walk with Him. He knows I thirst for the answers that lead to breakthroughs and understanding. Whenever there is a “eureka!”, my cup overflows.
  To clarify, my “why” isn’t questioning God’s choices or plans for my life.  My why is a search to understand the how, where, and what circumstances have led to this moment in time where I am sitting here writing about hyper vigilance. Why is it there in the first place?
  PTSD is only a label. It blankets all the traumatic events and their cumulative effect on my brain with a single identifier. Yet I am grateful to have this label because it gives me a starting point. Ironic isn’t it?
  You know, I just realized there’s a difference between being accepting and being powerless.
  That’s as good a place as any to start.
  A stream of memories is coursing through my head. I will skip the details because a lot of these memories have gone through extensive healing already. It’s why I can remember them without being overwhelmed. Having them brought to mind is because another layer is being exposed.
  Every single one of these memories contain a common denominator…they are events I was powerless to stop due to circumstances, age, gender, upbringing, cultural norms, and expectations.
  So let’s start with that. Feeling powerless.
  In many cases, it’s because of the need for rules to maintain order or to keep me safe, particularly as a child. Help me, Lord, discern which are necessary to hold on to and which can be discarded.

  As a little girl, my brother and I were involved with the local police in making a safety movie or commercial. I chased a ball (big and red?) into the street. A car screeched to a halt. I remember the car and the noise the tires made on the road even though there was plenty of distance between us. It scared me nonetheless.
  The high point was we got to go for a ride in the sidecar of a police motorcycle after filming. My brother complained about my long hair getting in his mouth because he sat behind me. (Smile, some safety, we didn’t wear helmets! There weren't seat belts either! Oh how the times have changed...)
  This memory has been investigated before for various reasons. I am thankful this morning to realize the screeching car was part of an act. I’ve remembered it over the years but believed it was a real event. The fear was remembered.
  That’s interesting. A threat doesn’t have to actually be a threat to generate these auto responses. It’s about perception. This doesn’t mean reacting to a perceived threat is wrong, it’s a personal perspective.    If that perspective is already skewed by feeling powerless, events will be remembered through that lens of understanding. (Notice I didn’t say misunderstanding. This isn’t about right or wrong. It’s about what is.)

  Hyper vigilance is the subconscious being attuned to real or perceived threats and the potential threats that abound in each particular environment. It's the sniffing bunny.

  Okay. This is one piece of why leaving the house comes with a firing up of adrenaline.

  Simply being near a road has triggered incredible fear even if there isn't a car in sight. Oh, Lord, I had no idea that putting the garbage out or getting the mail caused such turmoil.
  So perhaps I can start practicing being fearless around roads. Yes, there's a bit of traffic and yes, it's important to be watchful, but there isn’t a ball in sight. 
  The Bald Eagles just north of here should be returning to their nest any time now. I thoroughly enjoy seeing them. It means walking up the road but that's okay.

  Can you believe it? I've set a goal! LOL.