More Roots

 "God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called children of God." Matthew 5:9

  It was worthwhile spending some time reading over the last few posts. It's good to look back because it helps to see how the Lord has led and nurtured the slow processes of understanding and revelation. It was rather astounding to see how often the concept of weeds and buried roots appeared. It is also very reassuring to know the Lord will continue to lead me into a greater understanding of both Him and myself; as long as I am willing to submit to the process.

  I will because I want to be better than I am. 

  This is at the core of my existence, this desire to be better than I am. Through Christ, it is possible. Oh, I admit to many flaws because perfection is humanly impossible but it doesn't hurt to work towards discovering and embracing God's perfect plans and design.

  The biggest part of this is learning to let go, to let go of the old ideas and habits that stand in the way of growth. First it helps to identify what they are. 

  Yesterday brought a powerful insight regarding one of my biggest flaws. 

  It is the constant mental justification that allows other people to say or do things that cause me mental or emotional harm. It is a big, wide, open doorway that leaves me vulnerable to abuse and abusive situations. It has been a core value, toxic as it is, that has governed much of my life and the relationships within it.

  The thought of standing up for myself has my stomach in knots. Why is this?

  Are you ready for the avalanche of lies floating around in my head?

  1. It's not being nice.

  2. It's not being compassionate and patient with where someone is at in their own life journey.

  3. It's because I am too sensitive.

  4. It's because I don't have the right.

  5. It's because I am a follower of Jesus and must to be patient with the brokenness of others.

  6. It's because people don't need to be held accountable by me for the harm they cause.  This is up to God.

  7. It's because I am wrong or misunderstand or mis-hear or mis-remember.

  8. It's because this is the way it has to be.

  9. It's because I have to be the strong one and just take the hit.

 10. It's because I have to make allowances according to their position or title or role that puts them in my life in the first place.

 11. It's because I should be grateful for them even being in my life, for what they've done for me.

  Weeds! All of it! The list goes on but you get the idea.

  Oh, Lord, forgive me for believing the enemy's "truths." With all honesty, I was taught no other. Until You came into my life.

  So what happens when I don't follow these rules? It throws me into turmoil and feeds into the fear of being rejected or abandoned or punished. That, too, was the lesson learned when I stood up for myself.

  But here's the thing, I end up rejected, abandoned and punished even following these "rules." You know why? They are NOT of God! There is no love involved. 

  God's gifts of gratitude, kindness, compassion and a gentle nature have been hijacked and used against me for one purpose: to keep me in my place, to keep me prisoner.

  I used to joke with my therapist that we were creating a monster as I the began to explore boundary setting. Is being a monster one who is able to set boundaries, say "No," or protect what brings me joy? I think not.

  But the fact that I thought this way is also a bit of a wake up call.

  The "rules" have been the foundation of everything I say and do for far too long. They have ensnared my peace, my joy and kept me wrapped in a blanket of anxiety and fear. 

  Lord, grant me a bold heart and the determination to begin making the changes so long overdue. Help me stand strong in this resolution regardless of who I am dealing with. Give me the words to speak and open the ears of those who are listening. I claim the words spoken over me a long time ago, "You have a voice and it's worth listening to." AMEN!