Drawing the Line

  "Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God." John 8:47

  My stomach is still in knots because on Friday, I stood up for myself...in writing. It's because a situation is having an impact on my own mental health and well being. Yet over the last couple of days, there's been a constant barrage of toxic emotions. Why do I feel what I have done is wrong?  

  I bought a toy squirrel. It's small enough to fit in my hand. 

  When I was really sick, I had a small teddy bear that went everywhere with me. His name was Spaz. I would hold him when the overwhelm was too much. His soft fur grounded me in the moment and helped me get through whatever small errand life demanded like brushing my teeth. The anxiety was crippling back then but, praise God, He brought me through the need for such things.

  It's rather alarming that carrying a teddy has been replaced by a squirrel for the exact same reason; to get me through the demands of a day. I joked about it, using a squirrel for when things are getting squirrely but there actually isn't anything funny about this at all.  

  Hence the letter that has left me wracked with self-doubt and second guessing.

  I think I am more afraid of being ignored or dismissed. I am afraid my concerns will be brushed aside. 

  "Because you don't matter."

  And that, my friends, is NOT the Holy Spirit talking!

  In hearing the lie, I hear myself, I hear Cricket, cry out against it, "I do! I do matter!" 

  But, do I really believe this? 

  No. 

  Which is why it's so very hard to be vulnerable in stating my needs or wants. Life has taught me they don't matter either. 

  You know what I want? I want to buy a shrub that is suitable for a Bonsai tree. I've started one from a small, half dead Juniper shrub dug up from a neglected garden. The dead branches were cut away. The ones showing signs of life were left alone for now. Copper wire is being used to bend the branches into an aesthetic shape. Further pruning will wait until it gets growing again.

  I didn't have the heart to throw it away. There's something satisfying about bringing something that was near death into a new life. Maybe it's because I connect to its story.

  

  Once upon a time, there was a seed. It was planted and encouraged to grow. Careful pruning gave it a beautiful shape. Eventually, it was transplanted and moved from its home to a store where someone chose it above all others. The new bed where it would reside was carefully prepared and the shrub was placed in its forever home. 

  Then it was forgotten. Water came from the sky. Drought came in the dead heat of summer. Frost delved deep into its heart. One by one, the branches died as the shrub withdrew life from its limbs. It did this to survive. 

  The shrub no longer mattered, to anyone.

  Except God had a plan. He sent a woman to revitalize the garden, to dig up the dead plants and fill the garden with new life. She saved the shrub out of kindness, out of respect for its determined survival against the odds.

  God is my gardener. 

  I ask Him to forgive me for believing I don't matter but more importantly, I ask for His help to forgive those who reinforced this lie. Perhaps we can talk about it some more, my Lord, because this nasty, gnarly old weed has been growing a long, long time.

  My friend just came in from work. One of the first things she said was, "You matter." She had no idea what I was writing about.

  God is good. AMEN.