After the Fear

 "Let them praise the Lord for His great love and for the wonderful things He has done for them. For He broke down their prison gates of bronze; He cut apart their bars of iron." Psalm 107:15-16

  I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday afternoon which gave me a chance to talk about what was written yesterday. He said something that has given me pause for thought.

  He mentioned PTSD and how triggers can influence our reactions to various circumstances.

  There's the big reactions, the panic attacks, the full on fight/flight responses that get Triggered because of past Trauma. But there's another side of it, triggers associated with trauma.

  The capital T Traumas are those that shape our understanding of ourselves and our place in the world in an instant that remains frozen in time forever. The little t traumas are all those micro events which work together to destroy our understanding of ourselves and our place in the world.

  It's complicated.

  It means allowing my understanding of truth to be adjusted. What I believe is what I believe but that perception, perhaps, has gotten skewed due to the simple matter that my personal fight/flight/freeze/fawn response is particularly quick to act. I become a deer in the headlights when this happens. 

  It happens a lot.

  Because I have been prey for the predators; the kind with a capital P and a little p.

  Which means I think and act like a prey animal: wary and constantly sniffing the air. Hence the fear. And while I am not cognizant of this all the time, sitting here writing about it makes me aware of just how "on" I am all the time. It's why I perceive things as an attack when maybe they aren't...and if they are? I am ahead of the game by already running away or, perversely, shutting down (fawning) rather than sticking around to find out otherwise.

  Do deer ever feel safe?

  The situation with the worship team leader is the tip of a very big iceberg made up of all the times I wasn't heard or allowed to have a say. To be fair, she knows very little about my story. That's something else the doc suggested. Maybe it's possible to have a conversation with her about it all.

  "When you are ready," he said, "And not because I said you have to."

 There can be no love without choice.

  I think what's also very disconcerting is when I played on Sunday, there was a level of disassociation taking place. This, too, happens frequently but again, it's so automatic I am not even aware it's happening. 

  It's fawn's cousin and another coping mechanism used by prey animals. It happens when the predator is about to win. I firmly believe God gave the hunted the ability to separate their awareness from the world around them so death wasn't so painful.

  

  It all all boils down to instinct. The survival methods of fight, et al, and the disassociation that kept me putting one foot in front of the other served a purpose during dark and terrible times. 

  Those times are over. Jesus opened the bronze, prison bars a long time ago. 

  I just need my primitive, survival oriented brain to get with the program. 

  Lord, hear my cry. Show me where to find the off switch! In Jesus name, AMEN!

  PS. I frequently find myself wrestling with the idea that Trauma's offspring are sinful; that the fear, and the associated automatic coping mechanisms are sinful because it means I don't trust Jesus. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The bronze gates may be open but there's still iron bars that need Jesus' love, strength, patience, grace and wisdom to shatter into oblivion. 

  Oh, and I need His light to melt a flotilla of icebergs, too.