Fear

   "For I hold you by your right hand--I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, "Don't be afraid. I am here to help you." Isaiah 41:13

  I have come to realize my life is governed by fear. 

  Self doubt wars with a fear of success. My battle with poor self-esteem is at war with the confidence I seek to embrace yet fear that it will appear as arrogance and conceit. I am afraid of the new because I am afraid old patterns will take over. I am afraid to fail yet, at the same time, the thought of success is equally terrifying. I am afraid of commitment because committing comes with being abandoned and rejected. I am afraid to get it wrong...

  So instead, I do nothing. I bury myself in knitting, in shutting down, in non-thinking because to think is to stir the pot. Knitting fills my mind with counting, with numbers, and wraps it in a security blanket of concentration. All the while, the fears nip at my soul.

  We performed a song yesterday at church, "Made for More" by Josh Baldwin and Jenn Johnston. 

  "I wasn't made to be tending a grave. I was called by name. Born and raised back to life again. I was made for more."

  It was the first time I'd played since Christmas. A much needed break was an opportunity to get my flute serviced which ended up taking longer than anticipated. 

  Most of the time our worship team leader creates a flute part for me but there wasn't one for this song. It meant I could sing. This is a rare thing.

  Several months ago, I'd asked her if singing sometimes would be an option. This request was met with fierce resistance. I guess I am a flute player and that's my role. The end.

  I get it. I get that the flute adds a rich dimension to our performances. I get it that its sweet sound brings joy to others. I get it that we have terrific vocalists who have sung together for years and have mastered many intricate harmonies. 

  I don't know how to harmonize.

  But I could learn a song or two if someone would teach me.

  Because I can sing with the kind of vocal control that enables me to match my vibrato to the lead singer's vibrato. Not doing this would mean my voice would clash with everyone else's.

  It took a huge amount of courage for me to ask in the first place. Maybe she doesn't know

how fear usually stops me from asking for what I want or need. Maybe she doesn't realize she's done what so many others have done when I dared to voice a need or a want. Maybe she doesn't realize she's shut down any hope of being something more than a flute player. Maybe she doesn't realize the cost of my capitulation or the cost of being contained in a role designed by someone else. 

Maybe she doesn't know because I am afraid to tell her.

  "I wasn't made to be tending a grave. I was called by name. Born and raised back to life again. I was made for more."

  I was made for more.

  AMEN!