Heard

   "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for He chose us in advance, and He makes everything work out according to His plan." Ephesians 1:1

  I am just back from seeing my family doctor to talk with her about what happened at the hospital. She was very surprised to hear about the pain I experienced having a polyp removed. It's unusual. In five years, she's only heard of a couple of women who have felt any sort of major pain.

  We discussed possible scenarios should this procedure need to happen again in the future. There's a chance the polyp could grow back. She told me I have the right to ask for an anesthetic of some sort. There's options from full out sedation, partial sedation or a spinal. It may mean a longer wait time but I'll gladly wait rather than go through what happened again. The cost to my mental health is too high.

  She was more concerned about my inability to stop the doctor from proceeding and affirmed that I had every right to have done so. I needed to hear that. I needed to be told it was okay. I guess crying out in pain wasn't enough. I didn't say the magic word...stop.

  Man, I am a mess...I left the doctor's office feeling validated and heard. More importantly, I felt cared for. She even checked out my blood pressure (it's a bit high,) then throat and ears and listened to me hack up a lung thanks to this virus. 

  Prior to Christmas, I'd knit up a slew of small stuffed dolls and toys. It seemed like a good day to take them to the police station for the officers to use. They often carry stuffed toys in their cruisers to have on hand whenever a call involves children. The donation was greatly appreciated.

  Maybe I knit them to try and capture some innocence. Maybe I knit them to try and stave off the dissonance that was birthed in the hospital. Triggered memories of traumatic events create this shadowland that has the potential to swallow you whole. Even though I celebrate and am fully aware that Jesus is with me, the joy in this knowledge feels like it's at war with the gamut of dark thoughts and irrepressible emotions. Maybe it is. Maybe the joy is trying to vanquish the shadows. 

  I feel like I have my feet in two worlds.

  Stop. Please, stop. 

  And maybe, tomorrow, I'll feel a whole lot better. Heck...maybe all I need is a nap.