Plans

 

  “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I trust Him.” Ps 91:1-2

 

  The last couple of weeks in particular have left me struggling. My pastor was on holiday. My psychiatrist cancelled our appointment. I reached out to two of those call in prayer lines but they were only there to lead people to Jesus. It left me feeling resentful, neglected and despairing that, like always, I was going to have to get through this storm all by myself. Self pity had a party going on.

 

  I reached out to the Meeting House for counseling, something they offered to support anyone struggling with the circumstances around Bruxy. Compounded by what was happening in my own life, it seemed to be the logical thing to utilize.

  The first person I reached out to and spoke with became ill. Five days later, she apologized for not having been in touch then informed me she was fully booked and unable to work with me.

  See what I mean? More of the same, “Sorry, no help here.” Yah, self pity was having a party in my soul.

  She apologized again for having taken so long to reconnect and referred me to someone else on the team. It took a couple of days to connect with this counselor for the first time.

  When we are in crises, help is needed NOW!

  My “NOW,” and God’s “now,” are not the same thing.

  I said to my friend that maybe all these doors have been closed for a reason I know nothing about. The bath in self pity lasted a little bit longer.

  While talking with the second counselor, she told me this: The Meeting House has a program called Healing Care. One of the group’s leaders had reached out to her that morning, saying they had an opening for one more in a women’s group starting on Tuesday night. Did she know of anyone who might be interested? This is unusual because normally there is a wait time to attend the sixteen week course.

  The counselor thought it might be exactly what I needed. Her excitement about the timing blasted away any last shreds of self pity.

  Do I believe in coincidence?

  Nope.

  Do I believe in divine intervention?

  Absolutely!

  Do I know what I am in for?

  Nope.

  Does it matter?

  Nope.

  God saw fit to slam a pile of doors shut then opened this one. Curiosity urges me to see what’s on the other side. (Forgive me, Lord, for the pity party.) It’s going to be done online so there’s no travelling. I can sit at my kitchen table, my place of coming before God, and wait with anticipation and excitement to see what He has in store.

  The group helps believers get closer to Jesus. As I filled out the required personal information form, I shared how the song, “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus,” has been at the forefront of my mind for a couple of weeks now.

  It dawned on me that God put it there, not for me to sing, not only as protection against the dark stuff in my brain, but for me to do.

  I’ve often shared how I have no issue with relating to my Abba Father but found it difficult to connect with Jesus: God as man, as Bridegroom, brother and friend. I understand why it’s hard. My personal history with men has a grave impact on any sort of ability to connect with and relate to God’s Son. He's more like an acquaintance, someone you'd say, "Hi!" to as you pass on the street.

  My life and faith feels incomplete because of it.

  Two thirds of a whole isn’t enough.

  As Ariel in Disney’s Little Mermaid sings, “I want more!”

  More than anything, I want the whole package a Christian life enables me to lean into.

  This will give me strength. It will refill my rather empty bucket of resiliency. It will enrich my faith and my life. I know this as surely as I knew, despite the pity party, God had a plan.

  That is worth having a party for!