Four

“ 'Am I a God who is only close at hand?' says the Lord. 'No, I am far away at the same time. Can anyone hide from me in a secret place? Am I not everywhere in all the heavens and earth?' says the Lord.' ”  Jer 23:23-24

 

  “I don’t just like women, I love them!”  Bruxy Cavey

 

  The Lord opened my Bible to Jeremiah 23. Chapter 9 and onward is the Lord’s judgments on false prophets and priests. He comes down really hard on them. I was tempted to write the whole thing out because of this:

  An email came through this morning from the Meeting House Board of Overseers. Another woman has come forward with allegations against Bruxy. That makes four.

  The quote from Bruxy has been on my mind a lot. He said this long before Covid happened during a series entitled, Her Story. TMH has removed his teaching from their website, understandably so. I hope my quoting him hasn’t caused anyone any more pain but, as I said, it’s been on my mind.

  It has me thinking about how men love women. I’ll admit there’s a severe lack of personal experience with any sort of love not related to power and control. But that’s not really love, is it?

  When I first became a Christian, the woman who mentored me told me to get a concordance and look up every scripture with the word love in it. When I was finished reading though them, I was to keep starting over until I “got it,” to use her words. I had to give up because the word study drove home the fact I only knew what love wasn’t. It made me terribly sad.

  God knew. That’s why He started me in Ephesians instead of the Book of John, the Gospel of Love. It takes time to tame a feral animal. He gave me meat instead of cuddles.

  I think back to the old cartoon, the single pane, “Love is…” usually followed by something like “a puppy, a warm blanket,” ad nauseum. (Smile. It would appear I still don’t have much patience for the mushy, corny stuff.)

  What is love?

  Now there’s a question that has stumped philosophers and poets for eons. A few paragraphs probably won’t even come close to understanding love.

  Isn’t love about being seen? Having lived as the incredible invisible woman for so much of my life means this is important to me. I’m not talking about being cognizant of the physical space my body takes up by wanting to “do me.” It’s more than that, this being seen.

  Is that why God is Love?

  Because He sees us? Psalm 139 says it all.

  This could be why I am so angry about Bruxy. He saw Hagar, a woman in a vulnerable time of her life, and took advantage. He didn’t see her at all, just the space she took up. If he had truly loved her, he never would have done what he did. He wouldn’t have (allegedly) done this with Two, Three or Four. I have to write allegedly because the results from the investigations have not been released.

  How did things go so terribly wrong?

  How does the idea of love give us permission to hurt one another in terrible ways?

  Maybe because we have no idea what it really is.

  Every once in a while I catch a glimpse. Maybe I am ready to accept being loved, the kind that comes without strings.

  Maybe I finally believe I am worthy of the type of love God has to offer.

 

  Today is a question day.

  The Healing group starts tomorrow night. Maybe I’ll find the answers I am looking for during the next few months. We are supposed to journal so, dear readers, the blog will be mine. That’s not to say the art will stop. It might change. It might include the lady. The art and writing have become united in ways I never imagined possible.

   God knew.

   God knows.

   Maybe that’s enough of a lesson in love for today.

   As for all the maybe’s? That’s hope speaking.