Busy Brain

  "Therefore, since we have been made right in God sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us." Romans 5:1

  Thank You, Lord, for leading me to this passage this morning because this isn't where I had been heading. (Smile.) How true is this of life in general! 

  The Meetinghouse encouraged us to take some time to fill out a Growth Gauge questionnaire. It's a self assessment tool used to reflect on where we are in our walk with Jesus. I did mine this morning and find myself wrestling with some of the results as well as the idea of using such a tool to monitor my growth as a believer.

  Smile. It seems to be the starting place for a whole whack of goal setting. 

  I am not sure how I feel about that. Perhaps it's because of the blog and the ability it gives me to look back on where I was and where I am now. It's a record of the times God has answered my heart's desire: to learn how love better. No goals required. Just trust. Praise God, that trust has proven fruitful because where I was is definitely not where I am.

  Not everyone has this kind of a written record that, in this case, has been kept since (wow!) 2012 so I can understand the value in filling the questionnaire out. 

  I am not sure if I will do the questionnaire again but, out of respect for the elders, I have obeyed.

  It has triggered a bunch of unpleasant emotions although I have no idea why. 

  So, Lord, I ask You to reveal why doing this sort of thing is so difficult for me. 

  I will leave off here, trusting God for the answer. AMEN!

  

On Sparrow's Wings

  “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” Mathew 6:21

 

  In the midst of running around, there was ample time to get this finished yesterday. I suppose it might help to share what the worries in the background were all about. The first image I drew was all about money which is a key component of the poverty thinking I blogged about the other day. I’ve had time to do some personal reflection that has given me much clarity into why I think this way. The money worries are slowly being infused with trusting God in all things.

  There’s an image of the house, some paint chips, a decision meter that are all connected. I was…let’s be honest…I am still a trifle worried about what will be found under the siding when it is removed from the rest of the outside. But those worries are also connected to the financial end of things.

  My health is the next big issue. Obviously this heart thing is a biggie. It’s still doing the thumpity-thump which is extremely disconcerting when it happens. But, the cardiologist has sent me for the necessary tests to get a clear picture of what is happening. I’ll know more after our appointment in October. In the mean time…

  It’s important for me to lose some weight. And I am! Eating better with regular protein and plenty of veggies has the weight coming off with no real sacrifice. It just goes to show how crappy my eating habits had become. That’s what the image of the bathroom scales are all about.

  I do want to continue reducing one of my meds. I worry about this because it’s one I take to help with anxiety. It’s not much fun cutting it back even a bit because, well, the anxiety goes through the roof for a few weeks. This is going to have to wait until I know more about the heart to make sure it can handle the strain.

  The clock represents the pressure of time. There is much waiting to be done at the house although I can’t start the projects I am responsible for until the contractor finishes their part. Hmmm…excitement feels a lot like worry. I hadn’t realized that before.

  The Bible carrying figures are included because there have been some changes to my home church. We are moving locations and joining up with another group. While any sort of change is stressful, I have to remind myself that being stretched and learning to trust more people is a wonderful thing! So there’s some excitement there, too!

 

  In looking at the picture this morning, I give thanks that by putting down these worries in black and white, I have gained a fresh perspective.

  Thank You, Lord, for helping me identify that many of these worries aren’t exactly worries but are filled to the brim with excitement and anticipation! AMEN!

 

The Joy of Letting Go

  “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear.” Mathew 6:25

  There have been a couple of amazing things happen. Earlier this week, I started a drawing. I was really stressing about everything that was going on with the house, money, making decisions, and my health/weight.

  The old hymn, “His Eye is on the Sparrow” as well as the passage in Mathew mentioned in my last post inspired me. Or maybe the drawing had already been started and it inspired the post. Either way it doesn't matter.

  Front and centre an image of a sparrow with a cross behind it dominates the page. Around these, I started placing images representative of my worries. Only three quarters of the background got finished because by the time I’d drawn every worry that came to mind, visually placing them in God’s hands, the worry had vanished.

  Here’s the amazing part. Yesterday’s sermon was on this section of Mathew.  It was a wonderful addition to what had happened during the creative process. I will share the image once it’s completed. There is still some pen work to do on it.

  It is also deeply humbling and reassuring when God affirms the direction I have gone or am going in. (Smile.) Every time it solidifies a trust in the ability to discern and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. And that alone is the greatest worry eraser.

  The other thing that has come out of my time here at my friend’s is my inclination towards poverty thinking. Many times I have held up a lack of finances as an objection to doing what I need to do. This type of thinking has prevented me from eating better by denying the ability to purchase meat and fresh vegetables.

  Yesterday we went grocery shopping. It has made me realize I don’t need to be concerned about money. I need to learn how to shop better, wiser, so those dollars go further. As an added bonus and something to keep in mind, going to the bargain grocery store later in the day is a smart move. There were many packages of meat and fresh vegetables whose price had been reduced because it had to be sold by day’s end or it would be thrown out. We came out of there with more than enough to feed the both of us for the next couple of weeks for an amazingly little amount of money.

  Yup, God and sparrows. (Smile.) If I can trust the leading of the Lord when it comes to art, maybe it’s time I allowed that trust to flood every aspect of my life. 

  At least, I will try. AMEN!

A Lot of Worry

  “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Mathew 6:34

  While typing this out I ended up having a bit of a chuckle. Following thirty-three verses about not worrying at all, about trusting God to take care of us and all our needs, Mathew closes with this acknowledgement that there will be worries after all.

  Or maybe I am misinterpreting this passage. Is Mathew actually telling us that because we worry, it is necessary for us to do a day to day, moment to moment surrendering of our worries to God?

  Hmmm…That actually makes sense. If we give over our concerns today, they won’t be there tomorrow.

  So maybe that’s the most important lesson to take from this. Mathew is clearly telling us that we will worry. It is part of our broken nature. I feel it is what we do with this worry that is the lesson here.

  What’s the line? There I go but for the grace of God. (I didn’t know where this line came from so a quick Google search has it originating in a quote by 16^th Century reformer John Bradford. It’s not verbatim but still captures the idea.)

  It’s so easy to get all twisted around, worrying then worrying about worrying…(smile) worrying about a seeming inability to trust God.  

  So here’s the thing, trust takes practice. Vanquishing worry takes a determined effort to identify the issue, assess whether or not it is something to be concerned about, then, be it a big or a small worry, give it over the Lord who is more than willing to shoulder our burdens.

  You know something? He can also show us how to handle whatever needs handling that caused the worry in the first place. That’s an extra special gift.

 

  (Smile.)

  Lord, forgive me for being a woman who worries about everything, even stuff that isn’t on Mathew’s list.

  (Another smile at my own foolishness.)

 

  May the peace that surpasses all understanding be with you today.  AMEN!

It's Time

“Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.” Hebrews 10:24

  Once again the seeds of an idea are at the forefront of my thoughts. It’s not a new idea but one that has been present before. In fact, almost every time I sit and create a visual prayer, I feel led to teach others how to do this, “The Art of Prayer.” I have yet to obey but been very adept at finding reasons for it not to happen.

  Every one of them is fear based. So let’s break these fears down.

  I feel woefully inadequate to do this ministry. It’s not the same as teaching someone to draw or paint. There’s a whole other level involved which causes me to be extremely cautious. (Ha! Terrified is more like it. The “what if’s” are having a grand ole time stomping confidence into the ground.)

1.       The biggest stumbling block is the lack of training to be a therapist, a counselor or a minister. I have had training to be a peer support worker… now where did I get the idea I would be responsible to fix everything? This would be a peer group with God and faith in Jesus Christ as our common foundation. We would be a small community who could be there for each other as the art, as God, speaks into our lives.

  The answer: Many of the skills I have learned about group facilitation can be utilized like creating a comfort agreement, doing check ins at the start and end of each session. Oh, right, this isn’t a secular group so oral prayer can be a key component of the whole process.

2.        I would have to allow people into my home; a home I have kept as my personal sanctuary when it is mine only by the grace of God. (Forgive me, Lord.) 

        The answer:  It’s time to lose the isolation habit, something else whose season is finished…at least once the renos are complete. (Smile. Is that another excuse?) I will have adequate space to host a small group. If it’s bigger? I can get one of those small folding tables. If it gets too big? I can always ask to use someone else’s home. Space is not an issue. Not one bit. I could even start the ball rolling now. All I need to do is find someone who would be willing to host the group. Or maybe that’s putting the cart before the horse…it would be wise to run this idea past the church leaders then see if anyone is interested.

3.       It’s expensive. (Snort.) That nasty tosses God’s ability to provide for all my needs right out the window. The answer: I could draw up a list of basic supplies and everyone could get their own. One of those art kits with a variety of tools, a decent quality sketch book, some glue sticks and scissors would pretty much cover everything. And if it doesn’t, God will provide. I can always ask around for things like old magazines and so forth.

 

  Let's end this with a statement of bold confidence...I have served my apprenticeship under God for this ministry since the first moment I became a believer. The life experiences, even before I knew Him as Lord, has fully equipped me with the necessary skills. That’s good enough for me. It’s time to put into action where the heart is leading. AMEN!

  PS. Thank You, Lord, for first and second and third and a million chances to get it right.

Something Different

    “Those who dwell in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.” Psalm 91:1-2

  The seeds of an idea to create a visual representation of Psalm 91 ended up being an image with words drawn from almost every Psalm. I skipped over the ones calling the fury of God onto the Psalmist's enemies. Occasionally, two Psalms are represented by one line that has been repeated. Space was at a premium in the 8 1/2 x 11 page.
  The fields in the valley have been planted with God's promises.
  The sky words are those that glorify and describe Him.
   I think that's all I am going to say this morning. Smile. When a picture paints a thousand words and a picture contains a "thousand" words there's nothing more for me to add.
  I pray this image blesses you, dear readers, a thousand fold as much as it has blessed me in creating it.
 

Another Degree of Freedom

  “But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone; that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things. I, the Lord, have spoken!” Jeremiah 9:24

  Oh.

  So I don’t have to understand everything after all. I don’t have to understand love to know it is. I don’t have to understand in order to know God. As the Psalmist says, “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!”  I only need know He is the Lord of perfect love, unchanging and eternal.

  I have to give thanks because I now know gratitude is an expression of love.

  With every fibre of my being I want to delight my Lord. That is also love, this desire to please, to serve, to be a delight. It grieves me when I fall short, when bitterness ensnares my thoughts and conversations. I ask again, Lord, don’t let me be bitter.

  Love is being mindful of what I say and think. Do no harm. Those are good words even though I know my woefully inadequate human ability to love will inevitably mean I will do harm.

  Doing the best I can is love being manifested. Yes, I mess it up. Yes, I don’t always make the right choices…

  Learning the better way, hungering to live the Jesus way, is also love.

 

  Sitting down with a piece of paper, praying in the way I love to pray in visual form, means I love the Lord enough to hear what He has to say. I give thanks for this gift because I am not so good at vocalizing my thoughts. God knows the silent years make this hard for me to do but we, He, found a way to break through. Love listens. I wouldn’t talk with Him, wouldn’t vocally pray, for a fraction of the time it takes me to wait upon the Lord, pencil poised, excited to begin, to see what He would show me.

  And in the hours I spend drawing, re-drawing, erasing, researching, and immersed in God’s Spirit there is a joy found that doesn’t exist anywhere else.

  I had forgotten. I had forgotten how working on a drawing spills over into my day even when I don't have my sketchbook in front of me. I find myself contemplating on the prayer, on what God is trying to tell me in those precious moments of stillness found in an otherwise busy day.

  You know what’s different? Where I am staying doesn’t have standard television. Instead, unlimited data and WiFi has opened the door to evenings full of worship music. Songs I have never heard before, the old hymns, instrumentals, all of it fills the house. I need to get WiFi with unlimited data at home and scrap the satellite because I have fallen into the mind numbing trap of TV shows turned on to fill the silence and the loneliness. It has become my idol. God forgive me.

  Praises to God need to fill my house and honestly, I am very tired of the few worship CDs in my possession. There are so many more wonderful, beautiful songs out there that I know nothing about! It took being here to realize this. I am thankful my friend and I have very similar tastes in music, too.

  I have lost five pounds since I got here two weeks ago. Food, too, is used to fill the loneliness. God forgive me for that as well.

  Having company has me realizing just how lonely I have been. I have a strong sense it’s time for me to break free of the “safety” of isolating myself, of remaining disconnected from others. It’s not safe at all because I end up wandering away from God.

  My home is being renewed. My time at my friend’s is pouring into my soul a renewed purpose and a new direction. I pray it will continue. In Jesus’ name, AMEN!

180 Degrees

 “Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ.” Ephesians 5:1

  Immediately after finishing yesterday’s post, an incredible, thought provoking, grace filled and life changing thought exploded into my head.

  “Love is not an intellectual exercise—God gave us His Holy Spirit, not holy reason.”

  It has brought a release of all the angst and confusion that surrounded the greatest challenge I have faced: understanding love. I have forgiven the well meaning person who had assigned me the task of reading all the passages about love until I “got it.” This was the root of intellectualizing the fourth most precious thing we have in our lives. (God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit come first.)

  Love isn’t logical. The love of Jesus even less so!

  On the heels of this breakthrough came the realization I have a hard time being able to love. It’s understandable really but it is still a sin, this withholding of love because I am afraid to go there.

  But as my friend pointed out to me last night I go there anyways. I’d never thought about how much love is involved in being a servant, in doing for others. I just thought it was the nice thing to do when in reality serving others is pouring love over them. No thinking required. (Smile.)

  You see, love doesn’t belong to me. It isn’t my love that is being invested in someone else because on my own, I admit I don’t love very well.

  This is my response to 1 Corinthians 13:5…

  Sometimes patience is usurped by temper and frustration. Sometimes I find myself resenting the wealth and relationships others have. I freely admit to bragging. Ah, yes, pride is the author of all my fears about love. I can’t write down some of the comments I’ve said to a driver who doesn’t obey the yield sign…rude to the nth degree. At the same time, I am not so good at obeying the rules of the road either. Yes, I get cranky and impatient and all in a huff if someone does any of these things to me. I can carry a grudge. Sometimes I rejoice when another person pays the consequences for their actions.

  And yes, I give up when it comes to loving others who, for whatever reason, make this hard to do. I lose faith in their ability to change although hope is often in the background because grace is a manifestation of love. (But who am I to decide what needs changing in the first place?) Even so, I have known the grace God has poured over me in spite of everything I feel and do. I have no right to deny anyone such a gift.

  In spite of such a poor record, the love of God endures through every circumstance because I am not the author of such love, I am the bearer. So I have decided to make a fresh start in my interactions with others by asking a simple question, “God, how would You love them?”

  On a personal note, I had a meeting with the cardiologist to get the results of last week’s tests. He told me I have PVC, Premature Ventricular Contractions. It’s an extra beat in the lower part of my heart that causes the upper part to thump afterwards. It can be caused by stress, thyroid issues or hormones. Even though this is considered a normal behaviour for the heart, he has me doing a bunch of other tests to try and figure out the root cause or if there are any underlying issues to be concerned about.

  I am thankful he is being so thorough because if this ole heart of mine is what keeps me able to share God’s love, it needs to keep working for a long, long time. AMEN!

Love Thoughts (Once again)

  “Then the Lord said…”Shouldn’t I feel sorry for such a great city?” Jonah 4:11

  It’s the kind of morning I feel like I have a long way to go.

  Sunday’s sermon contained an encouragement to love our enemies just as God loves us. It’s what the the story of Jonah is all about. Yet in Jonah, we don’t know the end of the story. Did he relent of his attitude towards the Ninevites? Did God’s words encourage him to let go of his hatred towards them?

  Hmmm…that’ a grace filled word…encourage. God knows I don’t always get this loving my enemies right. But He also knows when I do. He also guides the journey to get me to the point I can let go of the hurt and hate towards those who have done me harm.

  It’s a process isn’t it? Some days I can love better than others.

  That’s encouraging. (Smile.)

  How do you love someone you can’t stand to be around for whatever reason be it personality or because of past history. What if it’s an unidentified aversion, an intuition kind of thing? Or am I getting love and trust mixed up.

  Is it possible to love someone without trusting them?

  What would that look like?

  What about the teaching…not sure of the reference…when a believer sins, we are to go to them. If they don’t take correction, we take it to the elders. If that person still fails to mend their ways, they are to be sent away.

  What is the connection to Jesus sitting with tax collectors?

Jesus poured out His love on the most hated group of people in the day. Some of the tax collectors repented and turned to Jesus (Mathew being the most notable.)

  Love sometimes means walking away. When do we walk away from non-believers? Or do we?

  I say yes. Sometimes it's necessary. God Himself has turned away and left people to continue on in their merry ole way.

  How it must grieve Him! Hmm…there’s another form of love.

    

  When I first became a Christian, God didn’t pour out His full on agape love. I would have run screaming for the hills, utterly terrified because of my broken understanding of what love is. (Smile. It’s still broken but piece by piece it’s improving.)

  So maybe all the love I can muster is not wishing harm on my enemies. That’s an encouraging sign because there was a time…yah…I surprised myself about just how nasty I could be. It almost made me sick. But the good thing about having shared this nastiness with God is I came to realize holding on to such feelings had the same effect as if I had drunk arsenic. It poisoned my soul.

  Maybe that’s the first step towards loving our enemies: stop hating them.

  Because I bet there are people out there who hate me as an enemy, too.

  Maybe I need to stop being so intellectual about love and simply let God unfold it in my heart. AMEN!

Big Bang

  “The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, ‘Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.’” Exodus 34:6-7

  God has defined Himself.

  It is who He is…always…since before the dawn of time and who He will continue to be far beyond the end of it.

  There has been a scientific BBC Earth series entitled, “The Planets” on TV this past while that has fascinated me. It talks about the formation of our solar system and each of the planets. It explains how dust and gases came together over the millennia to form the sun and the planets. The dust made rocks. Rocks made bigger rocks. The bigger the rock, the stronger the gravitational pull. Those collected with even bigger ones until there was no more in the area where a new planet had evolved.

  I get it. It makes perfect sense to a person all too familiar with the effects of gravity. It left me with a big question I would love to pose to the scientist narrating the series; a question that never came up. “Where did the dust and gases come from in the first place?”

  Now, here’s another question…How does this tie into attempting to understand the nature of God with my frail, limited abilities?

  God is a God of pattern. A leaf, the great waterways and even our own bodies contain a network of veins to carry life to all reaches of the tree, the earth and our own toes and fingertips. The mountains, the forests, the depths of the oceans can be delineated by fractal mathematics. Pattern after pattern is around us everywhere.

  I digress…

  Is the gravitational pull of God the great unseen force we define as love? Is physical gravity a tangible way of experiencing the effects of such wondrous, unquenchable love as God has for us?

  That’s kind of cool…if I think about gravity and the weight of my body on this earth I can feel the gravitational pull of God’s presence on my heart.

  I think of how God formed His church. It’s exactly the same way as the universe was formed. Jesus, the Son, gathered first one than two than all of His disciples. Those disciples gathered more believers. I believe the idea of a thousand generations mentioned in today’s verse is really a metaphor for eternity.

  So here it is…all things physical are the offspring of the metaphysical, the greatness of God the Creator. I am left speechless and filled with awe and wonder that a God so great is with me right now as the keyboard keys click with each strike.

  It now makes perfect sense that Peter was a rock on which the church has been built. I now understand, too, how Christ is the cornerstone. See? Patterns of gravity.

  Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning is now, and ever shall be, world without end. AMEN!

The Expected Unexpected

  “We thank you, O God! We give thanks because you are near.” Psalm 75:1

  I said something about not being a damsel in distress kind of gal the other day. But that’s not a hundred percent true. I find it interesting that there is this part of me that is (mentally) wringing my hands and crying out, “Oh dearie me! What to do? What to do? What to do!”

  Yet at the same time as these frantic whispers waft around my consciousness, I am at peace.

  After work yesterday I went home to check on the progress and to see if my bathtub had been delivered. The tub wasn’t there but the contractor had...duh, duh, duh…SOMETHING to show me.

  “Okay,” I thought, then the damsel had her say, “Oh no! Oh, No! WHAT can it be?”

  They had removed the insulation from the bathroom exterior wall. Behind it was a major case of dry rot. To explain better, an outside wall is load bearing. It holds up the roof and consists of two by four framing. Wood cladding or sheathing is attached to the frame on the outside. After that comes some sort of weatherproof siding. In my case it’s aluminum.

  Well, my friends, this had been like this for a long time because the two by fours had been improperly patched during a previous reno and even though it is probably much worse now than when that was done, the dry rot should have been taken care of at that point. I believe it spreads over time. 

  The cladding crumbled into dust at a light touch. The dry rot continued into the kitchen so it affects a large area. The only way to fix it properly is from the outside. This means tearing off the aluminum siding to get to it. 

  It would be impossible to match the existing 1970’s Harvest Gold siding and it would be difficult to remove it without it getting damaged. Soooo, new siding has been added to the roster.

  We talked briefly about only doing half of the house, the front and the side where the addition is going, but it would probably cost more in the long run to get someone back to finish the job.

  I did laugh and ask them why they had to remove the insulation in the first place! But, and this is a good thing I have hired this company because there are contractors out there who would have simply ignored the problem, covered it up and not said a word. (Like the previous person had.) 

  Praise God I have an honest contractor! Down the road, the existing damage to the wall would have spread even further and created a far worse problem like the roof collapsing!

  What’s interesting about all this is God planted the idea about getting new siding into my thoughts a while back. I had daydreamed about what colour I would choose, what style.  It kept coming up whenever I thought about the reno. He must have known there was an issue and was preparing me for this major, “unexpected” addition to the plans.

  So, like I said, the inner damsel had a bit of a fit yet the Holy Spirit peace of God has soothed her…me. And that’s the best part of all. AMEN!

Rethink, Reset

“If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will support me.” Psalm 139:9-10

  What beautiful imagery: to ride the wings of the morning!

  I imagine soaring through a sky laden with pinks and soft golds. Lavender clouds scrub the night from the horizon. The last of the stars give a wink and a nod then vanish. The ground below wears a shimmering veil of silver dew that grows more and more brilliant as the cold, dark grasp of shadow slips away.

  Smile.

  Fanciful stuff but I don’t think those are the type of wings the Psalmist is talking about.

  I think the wings just might be in the shape of a to-do list, lunch making, heading off to work or school; all the things that fill the day ahead greet us the moment we open our eyes.

  My phone just informed me the new bathtub is on its way. (The wings are flapping, gaining altitude.)The email said it was curbside delivery only. When I ordered it, I thought it was going to be taken into the house…I shared this frustrating news with my friend as well as sharing what today’s post was about.

  Her son has a saying, “Beware the tyranny of the urgent.”

  The wings have been flapping a lot lately.

  Lord I trust that this very tiny problem will be resolved.

  I also have another friend whose love of the Lord is wrapped around everything in her life. She once shared that every morning, as soon as her eyes are opened, she greets the Lord with, “Good Morning, Abba!” I doubt there is a better way to clip “tyranny’s” wings.

  So, Abba Father, I have been up for just one hour yet that hour is long enough to get a second cup of coffee. Long enough to start writing. Long enough to make my bed. Long enough to get angry, frustrated, and a bit panicky.

  Long enough to realize I have it all backwards. My day belongs to God, not the wings of the morning. 

  AMEN!

Lifted Up

  “Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.” Psalm 37:5

  It’s good to be back. The hiatus from blogging only drove home how crucial it is to my own state of mind. It guides my attitude into gratitude.

  I have moved to a neighbour’s for the duration of the reno a little earlier than I had planned even though there was still running water at home. The stove, fridge, food, dishes, etc. were in the living room. The kitchen table where I normally write is in the basement, dismantled and being rebuilt and painted.

  The chaos and disorganization, with everything crammed into my guest room, living room and bedroom was having a detrimental effect. Talk about anxiety! It was hard to focus. Runaway thoughts plagued my mind making it difficult to even consider sitting on the couch and writing.

  Despite all this, things are going well. The contractor got the chimney down, the roof patched, the laminate floors torn up, and the addition meticulously marked out for excavation. It was a successful first week. The only surprise (which wasn’t a surprise to me) was the floor under the bathroom needs some major shoring up. The floor joists had been cut and left unsupported where the chimney ran through the floor. Since I am putting a deeper bathtub in the space, it needs to be able to support the weight of the water.

  I am heading over there later to add some screws to the subfloor in the kitchen. There are a couple of squeaks that can be addressed before the new flooring goes in. May as well fix it now.

 

  Sunday saw me back at the emergency department after church because I was experiencing a great deal of discomfort…pain…on my left side, arm and neck. It was different enough from what it had been like a week and a half ago to make me deeply concerned. Again the heart checked out. The blood work was good.

  So here’s the interesting part in this…a couple of Advil takes care of the pain. I am hoping and praying that all this might have something to do with the muscles around my rib cage and not my heart. I will know for sure once I see the cardiologist on the tenth. He will be able to let me know for sure because I had an ultrasound done and wore the Holter monitor for a couple days last week. If there is a heart problem, that should show up.

  The high blood pressure is something else all together.

  Praise God, I also have a family doctor now. All this heart stuff bumped me to the top of the list. Within a day of calling to register for a new doctor, I got a call and was assigned to one right in town. (There is a severe shortage of doctors everywhere. I know some people have been waiting months.)

 

  I have to be thankful because not knowing what’s going on with the ole ticker and being smart about what I do means I’ve had to both ask for and allow others to help. I even asked a friend to go with me to the hospital on Sunday. It is getting easier each time.

  Smile. I have never been a “damsel in distress” kind of gal. It’s very difficult for me to sit back and let others do for me but to be honest? It’s been kind of nice! Ha, who am I kidding? It’s been wonderful to know my church community has my back and my heart.

 

  I have to say it again, it’s good to be back writing. Lord, I lift everything, all these concerns, all these worries, and all my doubts and fears to You. Thank You for this sanctuary and the little desk in the bedroom where I can type away. AMEN!