"Won't you ever stop blowing hot air? What makes you keep on talking? I could say the same things if you were in my place. I could spout off criticism and shake my head at you. But if it were me, I would encourage you, I would try to take away your grief. Instead, I suffer if I defend myself, and I suffer no less if I refuse to speak." Job 16:2-6
God is good. All the time. He chose this verse for me today and that last line...that last line...is the cry of my heart.
I've had to speak to my mother. She fell and broke her wrist. In one conversation, she asked if I could come down this weekend to look after her. I told her I would think about it.
It took a couple of days to give her my answer. This weekend was unavailable because I had previous plans. She twisted the story line saying she had never asked me to come this weekend; that I had misunderstood.
Gaslighting sucks. For a moment, I believed her.
However, after our initial conversation, I wrote down what she had said so I could refer back to it. It's part of learning to trust my own mind. Writing everything out enabled me to see the guilt tripping, the manipulation tactics and recognize them for what they are. Those words on a piece of paper became a powerful shield against poison darts.
Moving forward, I will do this for every single conversation we have.
Not that having any sort of a conversation will get us anywhere.
Instead, I give her to God to do as He sees fit despite the harsh words I long to speak. To avenge Allan. To treat her as cruelly as she treated him. I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel these things.
I choose silence because it is the greatest weapon I have.
I am at peace about my decision not to go.
Had the events of this past summer never happened, I would have. And an upwelling of grief floods my eyes. God used the passing of a good man to lift the scales from my eyes. I see her for who she is.
"Walk on," Allan said to me. His last words. They bear repeating over and over again, these two words with the power to break chains.
Not that it was an easy decision. It was a hard won battle to break the patterns of a lifetime, to disentangle myself from the guilt and self doubt that comes with making decisions. I am so grateful for the support of good friends and a trusted counsellor. They helped me find my way out of the confusion that is so much a part of interactions with her.
Confusion is not of God.
I will try my hardest to find the resting place of clarity and truth and wisdom. Guilt, shame, false responsibility, debts of gratitude and the weight of a duty that is not mine to bear cannot stand before God.
Note: Today's title is a recently released song by Josh Groban. It "suddenly" appeared in my friend's Youtube feed. God is good. All the time.
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