Patterns

   "O Sovereign Lord! You made the heavens and earth by Your strong hand and powerful arm. Nothing is too hard for you! You show unfailing love to thousands, but You also bring the consequences of one generation's sin upon the next." Jeremiah 32:17-18

  I have been reluctant to write, to my own detriment, because of who has been reading my blog. 

   I've been in hiding, buried in an all consuming busy-ness of building miniatures that shuts out the world, my heart and my thoughts and my friends. It's a dark place of silence and fear yet at the same time, is safe because it's familiar. This disconnection with life has been a place of survival when life was really hard. And as much as what I am doing is enjoyable, this isn't living. It's an existence that consumes the hours, the days and the weeks and months without me even being aware of the passage of time. 

  But God is good. So I am going to start writing again because I learned something very important about myself today. I am not a very good at thinking about things. Venues outside of my own mind are absolutely necessary to work things through; to put words to the overwhelming, swirling silence that exists between my ears. Therefore, writing is critical to my well being. It's where there is all the time in the world to find the words I need to say.

  It is my prayer life after all. And life without prayer is a hollow existence because unless I give my words to God, I cannot know truth and freedom.

  I stopped writing because my mom read my blog. Several years ago, she commented that what I wrote was upsetting to her. My response was, "Don't read it then." But I guess it's been difficult coping with my silence so she wanted to know what is going on in my life. She called to let me know she had, and how upset she was about everything. That's why I stopped writing.

  In doing so, I made myself small. May God forgive me.

  There was a long pause after writing those last two sentences. 

  It needs to be unpacked...I need to understand better what causes the smallness to take over. It happens so quickly. Lord, help me here...

  The smallness moves in the moment I feel I've done something wrong. And having been wrong so often (even when I wasn't, really) it becomes anticipatory and therefore paralyzing. So decisions are deferred, tasks are left undone, and words are silenced before they even form. 

  Just in case, it's better to stay small rather than have someone else put me back there. 

  There's one thing wrong with this. Actually, more than one don't you think?

  Maybe I need to look at boundary setting as a crucial step in keeping the smallness out of my life. 

  Wow...Those are freeing words...Most of the time boundary setting is portrayed as being assertive by stating your needs. It is beyond my ability to be assertive. But, I can fight. God knows I can fight against this internal enemy. I just needed to know who my enemy is. It is called smallness.

 

  Lord, thank You for today. Thank You for bringing me back to words.