Re-start

 "In His kindness God called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support and strengthen you, and He will place you on a firm foundation. All power to Him forever! Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11

  First of all, I wish to express my gratitude for you, dear readers. Blogger tracks the number of times one of you visits. I am deeply honored by the sheer volume of people who have read these words. It is such an encouragement because it means none of us are alone in the trials we face. Praise God!

  I started writing more of a lecture piece on the difference between co-dependency and trauma bonding but there is already so much good teaching out there it didn't make sense to re-invent the wheel. It was something I needed to try and wrap my head around because the term co-dependent had been used a few times lately. Most specifically in connection with familial ties.

 It didn't sit well with me because I didn't understand what it meant.

 Most of the time, I have been using Youtube because there are some good teachers who keep things simple. Some of the psychology websites can get a bit too technical. I am a visual and auditory learner so the information gathered sticks with me better.

  Dr. Ramani, amongst others, have created a wealth of videos on the subject. She is the one who brought up trauma bonding. 

  The lightbulbs went off in a blaze of brilliance. While there are many similarities between the two, co-dependency can exist where there is no abuse. Trauma bonding is the direct result of being in an abusive relationship. 

  It has helped me understand what amounts to a primal response of making myself small. By primal I mean it's an automatic and instinctive pattern of behaviour that bi-passes mental and emotional logic. It's what I thought I needed to do to be loved. It's what I was trained to do to be loved.

 And being loved was simply the absence of disapproval or condemnation or criticism. 

  And as the years of disapproval, condemnation and criticisms pile up, no matter how small I made myself, I learned I wasn't loveable at all. In fact, I was disposable and of no value whatsoever. 

  But that's when You stepped in, my Lord, and rescued me from being so small I was invisible. Thank You for that.

  The hardest thing about living large is waiting to be punished for having the audacity to do so. 

  But what is living large? Is it something as simple as making an independent decision?

  For me, it is. It's hard to break free of lessons that are so ingrained they are hard wired into the mental and emotional psyche. So are the responses and patterns of behavior.

  But it doesn't have to stay that way, does it? 

  I don't want to keep on second guessing every single decision I make. It's exhausting. And paralyzing because rather than face the onslaught of second guessing, I do nothing at all. But here's the thing, deciding to do nothing is still a decision. And the cycle of knotted stomach, worry, guilt, and shame doesn't go away. In fact, it only grows because the only way to break free is to actually make another decision!

  Oh, Lord, what a mess.

  I think I need to learn how to trust myself despite the years of betrayal. Yes, betrayal of self because in being small, I cannot be true to who God made me to be. 

  And that, my friends, is a whole other blog.

  May God bless you in your journey.