Victim by Susan L.

  During Sunday's sermon, one thing stood out although I don't remember the context. The word "victim" leapt out and got the wheels turning. It got me thinking about this last uprising of anxiety and what it did besides make life incredibly difficult.
  It re-victimized me. It turned back the clock.
  I've said before that I am this way because of choices other people made. Which is true. I was also really good at accepting the role of responsibility which crippled my own ability to make better choices which then opened the door to more negative influences; a treadmill life of always running, trying to make it better, but never getting free. Abusers are good at making sure that's how it is. 
  But that was then. This is now. Where, in Christ, I am free.
  Yes, because of the Post Traumatic Stress, the past can jump up and bite me in the nether regions. My body is hard wired to a fight/flight response if I feel I am in danger. That danger doesn't have to be real. A sight, a smell, a sound...the rattle of beer bottles used to be a huge trigger. The bottles weren't a danger, the sound was like an alarm bell warning that things could get really ugly. My body responded accordingly, no thinking required.
  I've struggled with some of the scriptures that talk about anxiety. Especially the ones that encourage us to cast our cares on the Lord. In high anxiety mode, I am not thinking. I don't get racing thoughts. It feels like there's bees buzzing in my head. My body screams, "RUN!!!!".
  Hmmm, the anxiety arises when I don't feel safe from a real or perceived threat. Not feeling safe causes anxiety. Ouch. That's a nasty hamster wheel and one I'd be more than happy to get off of.
  I've done a lot of work to prayerfully take apart triggers over the years by looking for Jesus in the key memories that birthed them. The beer bottles are an example. The sound still has the ability to raise my guard but it doesn't send me over the edge like it used to. Praise God!
  I don't want to be a victim although I confess it was a huge part of the last couple of weeks. Forgive me for that Lord, and thank You for bringing it to my attention. Allowing myself to remain a victim is a step towards bitterness. I definitely don't want to be bitter because that has a toxic effect on everything.
  Lord, help me free my life of triggers. Help me defeat the illness of my mind and body. Help me rest in Your peace and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that, in You, I am safe.
  "But now, O Lord, You are our Father; We are the clay and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand." Is 64:7