Layers of Grief by Susan L.

  As much as I am trying to fool myself into thinking everything is honky dory, that I have accepted my situation with grace...who am I kidding?
  H sent me a beautiful and wise email about turning all the hurtful things in my past into an offering of sacrifice. Instead of being victimized, or seeing myself as a victim, she offered up the challenging idea to turn myself into an alter for the brokenness of others. Just as Christ did when He suffered and died on the cross. That way my burdens and struggles become a way to connect with His pain and the love that helped Him through those terrible last days of His life.
  "Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do." Luke 23:34
  Bear with me, folks, this isn't pretty.
  The human part of me rages against the unfairness, the cruelty, the losses, the broken dreams...It rails against the lost days of a mind that vanished when life got too hard. It seethes at having a permanent reminder of my past greet me every morning when, as soon as I open my eyes, the claws of anxiety begin their work for the day. It rages against how powerless I am to change things. The fires of fury rise up because of this inner rebellion and the constant fear that feasts on it.
  Like biting metal, the coppery taste of bitterness makes itself known.
  I tried so hard...in the end, it didn't matter.
  But then...at the end of myself...I found Jesus.
  In the end, He was there for me when the madness swept me away. He was in the tears, in the anguish of my soul. He gave me purpose when purpose vanished. He gave me love when I thought myself nothing but dust and ashes. He nurtured trust tenderly and slowly never asking more of me than I could give.
  He patiently continues to unwrap the grave cloths that blind me. He gives me grace and forgiveness as I grow to understand more of Him. He helps me choose to forgive those who hurt me.
  He gave me life. In turn, I give this life to Him.
  It's choice time...do I hang on to the rage and bitterness or do I let it go?


  Forgive them Father, in their brokenness, they know not what they have done.
  Forgive me Father, for in my brokenness, I have harmed others.
  Thank You, Lord, for lighting the way.
  And once again, I am forever changed.
  "Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Mat 11:28-30