Choice

   "Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through Me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures." Jesus, John 10:9

  An excerpt from Sunday's reading: God exercises restraint in His strength, patiently waiting until we invite Him in. Why? Because He is a God of love, and love always gives the supreme honour of choice. Love without choice is not love at all.

  Love without choice is not love at all. 

  Those words reached deep into my heart the moment I heard them because I've been thinking about boxes, especially the ones I am trying to climb out of. Some are of my own making. Others? Not so much.

  Choice...it pretty much governs everything we do on both a conscious and subconscious level. Conscious choices can begin a new pattern of behaviour. In time, new patterns becomes ingrained and subconscious provided we keep reinforcing whatever decision was made.

  My body pretty much has a built in alarm after doing seven months of regimented eating. It knows when snack time is and lets me know without needing to set the clock as a reminder. I had to in the beginning or I'd forget to eat according to Gina Livy's plan.

  The biggest part of creating new patterns is breaking free of the old boxes that governed our choices.

  Getting rid of boxes means unpacking them first.

  This isn't going to be easy because, right now, I am very, very angry. I am angry that my upbringing taught me I had no choice but to obey, that to want something different was a punishable offense. 

  I've said before that a compliant child needs just as much, if not more, help than one who rebels and acts out. 

  Compliant was my middle name. 

  Fear was my god. A god that ruled me in life, in marriage, and even now pokes its barbs into my heart whenever I make a decision about something.

  You see, I live in fear of making the "wrong" choice even when it's small and mundane like deciding what to make for dinner.

  

  I know why. I could write pages and pages of the frozen moments when I learned, without fail, that my choices were wrong (if they were even considered.) I rarely spoke of what I wanted for myself. It wasn't worth the pain of being slammed down, mocked or belittled yet again. So I practiced silence, my needs and wants and unspoken desires festering in my breast unheard, unheeded, unrequired.

  It was a terribly lonely way to live.

  And now? Those suppressed desires are clamoring to be heard but I know there are box builders in my life who will have no part of it. 

  Yet God calls us to sacrificial love doesn't He?

  But what if I am offering God's gift of sacrificial love to the wrong people? Is it even supposed to be a gift for people? Or is it only meant to be a gift for God?

  Oh, Lord, I am so confused right now.

  Can there even be sacrifice without love?

  Yes. Sacrifice can foster hatred when sacrifice is demanded. When the sacrifices of one are the foundation of power and control for someone else.

  God will not take something that is not offered to Him freely. People will.

  So why do I even have such people in my life?

  Because I have no choice...or do I?

  

  

  

  

Shark's Tooth

  "The Lord says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts and the cutting locusts." Joel 2:25

  It's been a while. Much has happened, most of it being rather mundane and simply living life, wrapping up the garden and work. The diet is still working, albeit a bit slower this time around but that's okay. The body needs time to solidify to a new normal before launching into further loss.

  Then there's the stuff that's new and exciting and different.

  I am just back from Varadero, Cuba. My housemate had a friend's son do a destination wedding so she was invited but didn't want to go alone. I called myself the wedding crasher because I had only met some of the people at a shower a month or so before we went.

  It ended up being a lovely time. The resort wasn't overly large. The service was excellent once the tips started flowing. The beach and waves were a joy. There was ample food minus leafy greens and fresh vegetables with the exception of cabbage and cukes. We gave up trying to stick to the food plan and instead indulged in what was available.

  The best part was being with a large group of people for more than a day. I made many new friends.

  I had very little anxiety despite being in a strange place surrounded by strangers and noise and busy-ness. The second or third night was the only night I had to retreat to the quiet of the room following a bus trip to explore some caves. I had armed myself with ample drawing materials just in case but the days were full so I only did one on the flight down, one that captured the essence of the hotel and a rather dark piece on the flight home that was used to process a disturbing day trip to Havana. 

  Our tour guide spoke the political speech because I doubt there was anything else he could have done. He was very good at evading questions or giving answers that didn't answer anything. We were led down some alleys littered with graffiti. One showed up often and it struck me that it was a message about Cuban life: 2 + 2 = 5? 

  New Mercedi Benz sedans parked beside the iconic 1950's classic cars which are only on the road through ingenuity and band aids. Most of them have been retrofitted with diesel engines which made Havana air rank with fumes. 

  The disparity between those who have and those who don't is extreme. 

  The guide told us there were no sharks in Cuba because the water is too warm for them. 

  The last day at the resort I was left to my own devices when a group wanted to hop the bus to Varadero to see the sights. I declined to go because the beach called my name with an urgency I couldn't ignore. One of the beaches was better for collecting shells, a favorite past-time of mine. That's where I headed with open heart and mind to see what might be found. I'd already been blessed with a new type of shell for my collection the day we arrived.

  Barely ten feet into the beach walk, an ivory shark's tooth lay fully exposed on the sand. Its iconic triangular shape was impossible to miss. Scooping it up, I heard the tour guide's assurance about there being no sharks in Cuba. It would appear there are because it was white, not black and fossilized.

  I knew about fossilized sharks' teeth from a trip to the Gulf Coast of Florida when my family was young. The beaches are littered with them.

  God whispered His promise to me..."I will restore all that the locusts have eaten."

  The rest of our conversation is personal, between Him and me but sitting here, another layer of understanding has risen from the depths.

  "There are no sharks in Cuba..."

  I think of the poverty and oppression there. I think of the middle aged white man, sitting at one of the dining room tables accompanied by a young Cuban girl who was eating as though she'd never seen food. I think of the waiter who told us his daughter lived in Texas. He doubted he'd ever see her again. I think of the young mother who begged a peso after we admired her beautiful baby. I think of the terribly thin man sitting at the side of the road tending a small flock of just as thin goats. I think of the tour guide who could not speak the truth out of fear of losing his job, the same guide who tested the waters to see if one of the men on the tour might be interested in a Cuban girl. I think of the cement guard towers that were everywhere, even in the middle of nowhere where a guard sat guarding nothing.

  

  I don't think I'll go back there again although I think there are sharks no matter where I might go. 

  Lord, I pray Your promise will be fulfilled. In Jesus' precious name, AMEN!

  

  

  

Catching Up

  "May God be merciful and bless us. May his face smile with favor on us." Psalm 67:1 

  I am here, Lord, to hear what You have to say. I feel the unformed words pounding at my heart and mind, calling me, urging me to write. Lead me, show me, teach me as they unfold through my fingers. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

  I've been away more this summer. Projects have kept my hands busy. The yard and garden are winding down, their fruits eaten or preserved for winter enjoyment. In a way, it leaves me sad because that means the short, dark days of winter are around the corner. 

  I've stayed the course as far as my diet is concerned except for choosing the odd indulgence here and there during special events. My weight continues to drop for a total of 33.5 pounds so far.  My measurements continue to shrink. The Livy Method Fall program started last week so my friend and I are raring to go at it again.

  Someone said to me a couple of times, "I hope you don't lose too much weight so we don't recognize you any more!"

   It took some time but I was blessed with a response for the next time they said this.

  "Then you will see the woman God made me to be, not this overweight, unhealthy person He never meant me to be."

  What I realized is that I see a stranger in the mirror, too! My face has changed so much! Buried cheekbones are appearing. My jaw line is becoming more defined. The double chin is almost gone except for some crinkly, sagging skin on my neck that comes when we get older. 

  I also see someone who is happy. 

  There's room for happiness now. 

  Not having to fight the anxiety day in, day out, every hour, every minute of every day has changed my life completely. That's not to say it's completely gone. There are moments where it reappears, but oh, God, thank You for the healing this diet has brought into my life. 

  It's helped me realize that all the therapy, all the meds in the world would never have done what proper food has done. 

  I believed I was broken beyond repair. I believed I was less than because of my inability to overcome the anxiety. I believed it was a life sentence, that all my days would be forever wrapped in the tension of a body and mind on perpetual yellow alert. 

  How could I have known that my body was screaming of the danger held in each mouthful of "comfort food"? How could I have known my body was crying out for change? For a different approach to handling the anxiety?

  How could I have known I was poisoning myself with kindness?

  Now, when my body cries out, I hear its wants. I hear it calling for greens, or fish, or fruit. I hear it calling for water and maybe an extra coffee. I hear its cry for soup or carrots. I hear it say, "That's enough, thank you." My body tells me when to go to bed and it rests deeply to waken fully refreshed.

  It will take time to heal from the toll a lifetime of anxiety has had. It will take time for the hair triggers to reset. It will take time for my body to trust me in giving it what it needs. There's still much room for improvement there, in the listening I need to do. There will come a time when it becomes as automatic as typing. 

  I have an advantage, though, the anxiety taught me to listen to what's happening in my body. 

  As always, God is the Redeemer, the One who takes what is broken and makes it anew. 

  Thank you for such a gift as this.

  Amen!

Turn of Events

  "As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person." Proverbs 27:19

  A couple of nights ago, I was drying off the veggie spiralizer we got to convert things like zucchini into noodles. I was startled to see my index finger begin dripping blood. The sharp cutting blade had neatly severed a chunk off the side. My friend helped with the first aid needed because it was late in the evening and I baulked at going to the hospital with an injury they couldn't do much about. There's not enough extra skin on a finger for closing such a gap.

  The next day, she headed off for a couple of day's quality family time with her children and grandchildren. She left a list of strict instructions to follow regarding keeping my finger dry and clean and something about not overdoing it. 

  Around supper, I decided to change the dressing. It was extremely uncooperative in coming off. It started to bleed something fierce again. I decided to go to the hospital and have it looked at and, more importantly, dressed with something that wouldn't stick to the wound. As a non-emergency, it took several hours for the doctor to see me. 

  I was right, they couldn't do any sort of stitches but they told me how to look after it and what to watch for should there be any sort of infection. As an added bonus, they updated my tetanus shot just in case.

  It's funny, how a sense of urgency filled my soul to go there in the first place. 

  As I was waiting to be seen a young man came in complaining of pain. He was saying some rather strange things out loud. I believe there may have been some sort of mind altering substance running through his veins. 

  He ended up sitting a couple of chairs away from my little corner of safety. He continued to make loud and rather strange comments to no one in particular. I admit I was a bit startled and unsure of him. But, in the midst of his confusion, he showed kindness, gratitude and respect towards the triage nurses.

  He was having a hard time grasping the long wait times to see a doctor. His agitation was clearly made known to no one in particular. He turned to me and asked if he was being too loud.

  Something about him reached into my heart. I began to talk with him. He shared that his father had recently passed away in the hospital. I also found out he had lost his mom as well. I figure he was in his late teens or early twenties. We talked a long time and even shared a laugh.

  It wasn't long before I was reaching into my purse for a work business card and told him if he ever needed to talk, to stop on by. It started a slew of questions about who the Krasman Centre was named for and what a peer support worker is.

  He had heard about us feeding the homeless and people struggling with addictions who he deemed utterly useless. I was able to share that, sometimes, people just needed a hand up to start them on a journey towards a better life. 

  Everyone in the emergency department was listening to our conversation. 

  When I finally got called in a couple of hours later, we gave each other a fist bump. He thanked me for talking to him.

  There was still a long wait in the cubicle. The doctor came and checked out my wound then left to give the nursing staff his instructions.

  The male nurse who had been working in triage was now on wound duty. He had been the one who had triaged the young man. He thanked me for what I had done, for having helped the situation. He said that this young man frequently used the emergency department as a touchstone, a place of human connection.

  I had a hard time not crying when I heard that.

  The nurse asked who I was so I repeated who I worked for and what I did. He thanked me again for the kindness I'd shown.

  As I left, the young man was still waiting. He'd been dozing in his chair but he woke when the door opened. He smiled at me and offered another fist bump. I told him to take care of himself then left. It was nearly midnight by then.

  I have caught a glimpse of what my co-workers do every day. The Krasman centre is involved with a pilot project at two Toronto hospitals. The final goal is to have mental health and addictions peer support workers in every single emergency department in Ontario (to start.) Every day they make a difference in someone's life by just being there for them when maybe, like this young man, they have nobody else to turn to in times of crises.

  I truly believe God placed the urgency in my heart to go to the hospital last night instead of the night before. Yes, my finger needed seeing to but more importantly, this young man needed someone who saw him for who he was...a lost boy in a man's body.

  I don't know if I'll ever see him again but that's okay. I pray he will get the help he needs. I also pray for the other people in the emergency room that our conversation changed their own attitudes towards people who struggle with mental health and substance use. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

   

  

Super Statistics

   "I (God) will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking bout their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" Psalm 65:24

  This is a day to celebrate achievements! Stats say it all!

  Today's post is #2000! There have been over 155,000 visitors to the blog; a number that fills me with gratitude and the encouragement to keep writing. You, dear readers, are a blessing unlike no other!

  Today is the 1st day of Bridging the Gap with Gina Livy.  The Gap group is a zero cost group for people who participated in the Spring/Summer 2023 program and are signed up for the fall group as well. The 91 day program finished yesterday. It left me feeling both sad and excited like all endings do because an ending is the start of another beginning.

   I couldn't be happier with the results both on and off the scale!

  As of today, I have dropped 26.2 pounds, lost 4 inches around my hiney and 4 1/2 from my waist. Up top was a bit less but that's okay I am happy to keep the curves! All my other body parts are noticeably thinner even my toes! 

  The double chin has become one due to a bit of a sag courtesy of gravity's force of 9.8 meters per second squared. However, over the next 3 months my skin will become tighter around my new, smaller frame as it renews according to the rate of renewal God created our cells to have. The slightly sagging chin won't be as noticeable.

  Ruth Kane, a Livy Loser herself of 70ish lbs., is a researcher at the University of Ottawa. She has been given government funding to study Gina Livy's program over the next several years because of the program's 95% success rate. While the study's focus is weight loss, they are also studying the statistics of people who are able to overcome diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, digestion issues, inflammation and many other illnesses related to being overweight.

  Governments are at a loss about how to address the growing obesity problem here in Canada, currently at 29%. The US obesity rate is even bigger at 39.6%. 

  The eat less/exercise more/calorie in/calorie out strategy the diet and fitness world has said is the only way is unsustainable. Eventually, the body believes it is starving so it will shut down the metabolism and convert all food intake to fat. It is possible to gain weight eating a mere 600 calories a day while exercising like a fiend. (This is part of Gina's own story.)

  One of the major weight loss organization is now pushing medications. Medications I might add which require a lifelong commitment. Some of these cost upwards of $1000/month and can have terrible side effects. 

   Successful weight loss according to Canadian government standards is 5% over 6 months. Gina's plan blows this out of the water. My loss is just over 10% in 3 months! And I am not alone. This is a common result for people who follow the carefully designed program. 

  Which, by the way, does not involve starving, depriving, weight or measuring. There are zero special foods to buy, zero prepackaged meals, and zero fat tasteless stuff is gone forever!

  It's also normal for people to not lose weight in the beginning. 5% of the participants in the Spring/Summer program had this happen. The body might need time to heal from past starvation/deprivation diets. Underlying health issues could mean it will take longer. But, by giving the body what it needs to heal and repair the damages of the past, it will eventually be able to focus on shedding the fat the body doesn't want either! 

  There is zero scientific evidence anywhere that says you cannot lose weight regardless of health, age or gender. (I love this statistic from Gina.)

  The majority of these people who have a slow start go on to reach their goals.

  Losing weight is just the start of the 4 stages towards reaching and maintaining your "finally and forever" as Gina calls it. Her plan teaches us how to maintain and sustain the loss permanently. Yes, permanently!

  I think the biggest challenge with Gina's program is that it takes time. It is not a quick fix. 

  In a culture where everything is about NOW, it may not appeal to everyone. I figured since it took 59 years to get as heavy as I was, if it only takes 2-3 years to get me back to what I weighed in my twenties, I'll take the slow route thank you very much!

  Because I feel great!

  Now, if I could only preach the love of Jesus as much as I've shared about the program...Or maybe this is preaching the love of Jesus because I see how much stress and shame and guilt is attached to body size. I see a culture that uses food for comfort which in the end is of no comfort at all. This is not what God wants for anyone. 

 

  The 91 day Fall/Winter program only costs $75 Canadian. Sign up soon because Gina's groups have a 100% sell out rate. 

  Someone said to me the other day, "You're not going to lose so much weight that we don't recognize you are you?"

  It surprised me a bit so I didn't know how to respond until much later.

  "I will lose the weight I need to lose until the body God designed especially for me is finally revealed!" 

  While my goal number has some flexibility because it involves my body telling me when to stop, the one I've picked will be 63% less than when I began last April! Holy Cow! That's a whole other not-so-small person inside of me that will be forced to vacate the premises!  Praise God and AMEN!

  

  

Momentum

   "But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me." Philippians 3:12

  The bathroom scale greeted me with a new lowest low this morning: the measure of success! Tracking what's happening is the sole purpose of the scale. My weight loss pattern is spending two or three days hovering around one number then I drop for a couple of days. Then I go up a bit, hover, lose more and repeat. Knowing this pattern has eased my mind considerably around normal weight fluctuations, even while aiming to lose!

  It's not normal to stay the same weight day in and day out. Stress, lack of sleep and even eating salty foods can cause fluctuations. I've learned so much! 

  While Gina Livy's program is not Christian based, I have watched her model the values that are important to me as a believer: love, grace, truth, vulnerability, encouragement, and empathy are the fundamental values that make this process unique in the diet world. She is a fierce protector of her participants and will not allow negative or insulting behaviour towards anyone involved in the FB support group. Oh, and her patience! She answers the same question over and over and over again while never getting frustrated with questioners. 

  I am no where near as patient and find myself frequently thinking, "Sheesh, people, just read the information!"

  Which isn't nice because this judgement is based on the ample time available to do the reading, the listening, the learning and the huge successes so far. 

  I should be thanking God for how easy it has been for the scale to drop; that there are no underlying health issues or missing body parts making it harder to lose; that I have love, support and encouragement from people around me. I should be giving thanks that my brain is able to retain much of the information after reading or hearing it one time. I should be giving thanks for not only having the courage, but also the blog and the art, to unravel the emotions and triggers that have come up throughout this process. 

  Most of all, I should give thanks that my mental health journey has already made me aware of my body's signals. It has not been difficult to hear what it says in regards to what it wants for dinner! 

  I should be praying for those who don't have these things! 

  Oh, Lord, such are the many, many blessings Your generosity has provided! Seeing it all laid out like this is truly humbling because without God's design and plans for my life, I would have none of these things. 

  I'd like to lose this critical side of myself. 

  Hold on a minute while I think this one through...Jesus says to love our neighbour as ourselves. I once heard someone say, "If we can't love ourselves, God help our neighbour." 

  My own inner critic has been getting even more disarmed, dismantled and cast aside since the start of the program and with the help of my friend. I can pray that the patience, gentleness and compassion I've found pouring out over my own struggles and inadequacies will overflow to everyone around me. 

  I can ask the Lord to remind me to pray instead of judge. I can also ask Him to help me be more aware of the leading of the Holy Spirit about how to pray and who to pray for. If listening to my belly is so easy, why is this so hard?

  I think this is the evolution of my faith. It is taking me towards an even deeper experience as a Christian. As it should be! Mostly, my walk with the Lord has been about finding healing for the deep, deep hurts that created the Black River. Like a river flowing into the sea, the currents of faith and living waters have incorporated its existence. They will forever be a part of what shaped me but the forward momentum of grace's tide is unstoppable!

  I only need to do what I need to do to see this happen.

  Lord, help me be a better person towards others. Fill me with grace and patience so the critic's voice is forever silenced. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

   

Filling Time

   "No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father." Matthew 6:15-16

  I am patiently waiting for paint to dry so I can do touch ups as needed. It's better to keep myself busy because I have a tendency rush the process. Paint ends up getting smeared which means major touch ups and fixes.  

  It's my work's 25th Anniversary. this year. We are hosting a big barbeque/gathering this Friday. It's a double celebration for us. We are now fully open. It's taken about a month to unpack everything, purchase what was lost in last year's fire so that's a big part of why we're having the party.

 

  The paint is being used to put our logo on a large canvas which also marks this milestone. The plan is to have markers for everyone to sign the canvas rather than having a guest book that gets stuffed onto a shelf somewhere. As I was painting, I thought it would be cool to share it with our other sites so they could also have people sign it. I think they are going to have their own celebrations, too. 

  My friend and I got our bikes back. They needed a general servicing after gathering dust in the shed for a couple of years. They needed servicing by someone who knows something about bikes. There's a local man who rebuilds, fixes, and sells used bikes. He told my friend that he would take any bike and that he had just shipped off 100 bikes to Africa for those in need. I think he's in his 90's.

  We took them for a test drive when we got home and they are running smoothly. It's a good workout for the ole legs and gets my heart rate up. Walking doesn't have the same effect for sure.

  Our session of the Gina Livy program is winding up in a few more days. Gina is offering a free "bridge the gap" group for those of us in the summer program who also signed up for her fall session. I haven't quite figured out how I am going to tackle the gap. 

  There's a couple of options. One is to repeat the first few weeks of the program until the fall one starts. The other is to personalize the plan. 

  This option involves being mindful of hunger, what the body wants to eat, and when while still sticking to the nutrient rich diet I've been eating so far, and not going longer than 3.5 hours without eating. Hard to believe how much eating has helped with weight loss! Keeping up with hydration is also important. This will give my body the chance to solidify the weight that's been lost so far before beginning another session geared at further loss. 

  I have time to figure out what will work best.

  It's been an amazing journey so far. I can't wait to see what is in store for the fall! There's a slew of exercises for those of us who don't exercise just waiting to be utilized. I might have to draw a "how-to" poster rather than having to search for the instruction videos. If it's in my face, the better chance at success. Kind of like leaving my laptop out makes me want to write. 

  My paint is dry. I hope you have an amazing day! And if you think of me on Friday, please pray for no rain!

   

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