Choice

   "Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through Me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures." Jesus, John 10:9

  An excerpt from Sunday's reading: God exercises restraint in His strength, patiently waiting until we invite Him in. Why? Because He is a God of love, and love always gives the supreme honour of choice. Love without choice is not love at all.

  Love without choice is not love at all. 

  Those words reached deep into my heart the moment I heard them because I've been thinking about boxes, especially the ones I am trying to climb out of. Some are of my own making. Others? Not so much.

  Choice...it pretty much governs everything we do on both a conscious and subconscious level. Conscious choices can begin a new pattern of behaviour. In time, new patterns becomes ingrained and subconscious provided we keep reinforcing whatever decision was made.

  My body pretty much has a built in alarm after doing seven months of regimented eating. It knows when snack time is and lets me know without needing to set the clock as a reminder. I had to in the beginning or I'd forget to eat according to Gina Livy's plan.

  The biggest part of creating new patterns is breaking free of the old boxes that governed our choices.

  Getting rid of boxes means unpacking them first.

  This isn't going to be easy because, right now, I am very, very angry. I am angry that my upbringing taught me I had no choice but to obey, that to want something different was a punishable offense. 

  I've said before that a compliant child needs just as much, if not more, help than one who rebels and acts out. 

  Compliant was my middle name. 

  Fear was my god. A god that ruled me in life, in marriage, and even now pokes its barbs into my heart whenever I make a decision about something.

  You see, I live in fear of making the "wrong" choice even when it's small and mundane like deciding what to make for dinner.

  

  I know why. I could write pages and pages of the frozen moments when I learned, without fail, that my choices were wrong (if they were even considered.) I rarely spoke of what I wanted for myself. It wasn't worth the pain of being slammed down, mocked or belittled yet again. So I practiced silence, my needs and wants and unspoken desires festering in my breast unheard, unheeded, unrequired.

  It was a terribly lonely way to live.

  And now? Those suppressed desires are clamoring to be heard but I know there are box builders in my life who will have no part of it. 

  Yet God calls us to sacrificial love doesn't He?

  But what if I am offering God's gift of sacrificial love to the wrong people? Is it even supposed to be a gift for people? Or is it only meant to be a gift for God?

  Oh, Lord, I am so confused right now.

  Can there even be sacrifice without love?

  Yes. Sacrifice can foster hatred when sacrifice is demanded. When the sacrifices of one are the foundation of power and control for someone else.

  God will not take something that is not offered to Him freely. People will.

  So why do I even have such people in my life?

  Because I have no choice...or do I?