Limbic System

  Every once in a while, something comes at me from several directions. This time, the limbic system was mentioned in a book I am reading. Then it was mentioned on a documentary. The last was through a friend's email.
  It's like having Jesus tell me to stand up and pay attention! So I will.

  First of all, it is made up of several parts of the brain. Most of which I can't spell. It contains the memory, emotion, motivational and olfactory areas. So that explains why an aroma can be such a huge memory trigger. It's closely connected.
  I need to do some more research out of sheer curiosity.
  It also has something to do with learning quite a while ago that emotional trauma causes brain damage. It might help me understand why I get so anxious at times or why my fight/flight response gets running on overdrive. That's basically what anxiety is.
  There has to be a physiological piece to this I haven't considered.
  I used the analogy to describe anxiety that it's like being nibbled to death by mice. It's a gruesome analogy but, sometimes, every little day to day task can be like a mouse bite. Before I know it, there a whole flock of mice nibbling away and the anxiety explodes.
  I'd like to know why this doesn't happen all the time. What is the difference when there isn't any nibbling yet the day to day hasn't changed? What else is influencing my coping abilities or lack thereof?
  Perhaps in the knowing, I will find healing. Or at least, patience for my seeming inability to control the mouse flock when they decide to show up en masse. Impatience only adds more mice.
  What I need is a better mouse trap.

  Lord, thank You for inspiring me to look at things from a different direction. AMEN!

  ""Can anyone hide from me in a secret place? Am I not everywhere in all the heavens and earth?" says the Lord." Jeremiah 23:24

Making a Start

  To embark on journey, the first step must be taken.
  So I've stepped and begun exploring the Lazarus story through creative writing. As I read through the Scriptures containing the story for inspiration, something came up that I hadn't noticed before. Jesus gets angry.
  The only other time I remember Jesus's anger being made note of is when He overturned the money-changers' tables in the Temple. The reason is clear. In fact, Jesus clearly tells us why He is angry.
  I may have heard some mention of Jesus's anger in a vaguely remembered sermon on Lazarus but having it brought to my attention, or should I say, in paying more attention to the story, it's in my face. It has stirred up a gazillion questions because the reason isn't so clear.
  It has left me wondering why Jesus grew angry and why He stayed angry. I also have to ponder about why He wept even though this short verse has been crucial to my own journey. Reading about Jesus weeping gave me permission to begin the grieving process that has brought so much freedom to my life. If the Son of God can cry, so could I.

  While I am taking some creative license with the story, to presume to write Christ's perspective is not an area I plan on delving into. This doesn't mean I can't ask questions. It would help to understand better because the story is being creatively written from Lazarus's perspective. There's Martha and Mary's perspective and I am leaning towards placing myself in the crowd around the tomb. Actually, that is a key part of the creative story.
  What would it have been like to witness Christ's anger? His tears? Would I, as a witness, have understood why?
  A writer can only write about what they know.
  Lord, I want to know. I would like some insight into what made Your Son angry. Grant me the knowledge. Grant me the wisdom to see Your love through Jesus's anger.

  So what do I know about anger? It can be rooted in love. The best example is when a child runs into the street and her mother gets angry with her. The mother was afraid her child might have been hurt, or worse. But that is only one facet of the complexities of anger.
  Maybe that's another starting point: understanding the roots of anger because anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary one.
  Hmmm, it would appear journeys have multiple starting points. Thank You, Lord, for guiding me to the right ones and for having everything come together. AMEN!

  "When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled." John 11:33
 

New Month

   My phone has begun a new billing period so hopefully last month's data shortage will not happen again. I will try my best not to use the phone for any frivolous purposes. This is a good thing. It's easy to waste away a hunk of time perusing various websites that aren't really pertinent to anything that is going on. Rambling curiosity that, once satisfied, disappears from the brain, never to be thought of again. But that's one of the downsides to technology. Why remember when it's possible to look something up as many times as is needed?
  I am not knocking technology. I've picked up many skills watching YouTube videos. Everything from advanced knitting to key woodworking abilities have been learned because of others sharing their skills online. It has also helped to check out a couple of different videos to gain a clearer understanding of "How To".
  It has also been used to explore matters of faith, of religion, to help me cement my own beliefs, to learn about others' and to find obscure Scriptures the Lord brings to mind. Most of those are obscure because there aren't many passages I can quote chapter and verse for. Hmmm, having internet means I don't need to remember them.
  Perhaps this is something to be mindful of in the future. I haven't memorized them because it hasn't been necessary. Yet, if I am to write about the Lazarus story, it would be a good idea to remember where it is instead of having to look up its location every time! (Smile.)

  Lord, I give thanks this morning for being able to offer a rare smile over my inadequacies. Upon reflection, they used to be fodder for beating myself up...another smile...sometimes they still are! Thank You, that the smiles contain a generous helping of grace, Your grace.
  Thank You, that despite my shortcomings of a frail memory, You lead me to an appropriate passage in Your Word every time I seek for it.

  "Jesus replied, 'The most important commandment is this: 'Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength." Mark 12:29-30

 

Nothing on Paper Yet

  Since the revelation a few days ago, I've been knitting men's mittens for the centre's Christmas gift drive in my true obsessive manner, or should I say passionate instead. That's a better word.
  It's a fairly automatic task because there's quite a few under my belt now. The TV is on for company while my needles click away, devouring yarn and giving it form. Despite these distractions, the ole gray matter has been busy in the background, thinking about the book.
  There's much to think about; to pray about. Things like who the target market might be for such a book. Could it appeal to a non-Christian reader? Would the prayer be geared to a specific audience or is it to be broader than that? Hmmm, could this be a series? Or maybe that's jumping the gun. Let's start with getting the first one finished or should I say, started.
  Should it be laid out in a devotional form? A journal form? A combination of the two? How big might it be? Or how small? Would it be something that could transfer to an audio book to reach an even greater audience? What about using the blog?
  Can I use story telling or creative licence to immerse the reader in the story of Lazarus without straying too far from its scriptural foundation? In the past I've been inspired to explore parts of the Passion story from the donkey's perspective as well as the guards placed at Christ's tomb. They added a further dimension to the story for me as I placed myself there, in those moments.
  Then there comes a time to stop thinking things to death and simply get on with it.

  Our church has been doing a series about the faith cycle of trust>grow>give>go>community> which leads back to trust. Our pastor asked us yesterday to think about what aspect of the cycle is the most difficult. I get stuck on trusting. Regularly. It puts the brakes on the whole cycle.
  But I think, even if trust is something I struggle with, taking a leap of faith in spite of it will help build trust and break down the walls of fear. If I practice long enough...It might just end up being as instinctive and fearless as knitting mittens.

  "Then He said to me, "Speak a prophetic message to these bones and say, 'Dry bones, listen to the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.'" Ezekiel 37:4-6

Roller Coaster

  In the thick of it, I am blind.
  Thank you, everyone for your prayers because even though there is still some anxiety, out of it has come a clear vision. It's no longer strong enough to quench hope and purpose. Perhaps that's why the anxiety was there, to stop me from seeing the direction my life is to take; to stop me from believing it had a direction.
  It is far outside my comfort zone. It will be God that will sustain me as I embark, once again, on a writer's journey because I believe God has given me something worth sharing.
  Oh, the usual objections are there...I am not qualified. There's no letters after my name. I am not a pastor nor minister. My Bible knowledge requires a concordance or Google to find passages the majority of the time. In short, I am nobody, just a middle-aged woman in the crowd.
  God loves us nobodies.
  I will also trust that He will provide sound counsel throughout the process. This is not a journey to embark on by myself.
  Here's the thing. This writing will not be my work, but God's. As such, I must trust Him to do with it as He will. I must trust Him to shape it into its final form.
  But He is good, too. Knowing my writing has reached around the globe is both humbling and a confidence booster! (Thank you!)
  It will be called "The Lazarus Prayer". (Maybe.)
  I had written out a brief version for a friend several days ago not realizing it would end up being an outline, a starting point. (A new idea for me as well...what's planning?)
  The prayer's foundation is the story of Jesus' miracle when He called Lazarus back to life. I believe I have shared before about the bit that seems to get glossed over. It's when Jesus commanded the surrounding witnesses to unwrap the grave clothes from Lazarus after he arose from his tomb. That's the prayer, words to do the unwrapping.
  It makes me smile a bit because I have always envisioned Lazarus looking like an Egyptian mummy from a cheap horror flick. GRRR! AAARGH! So, there needs to be some research. One of my weak points. I'd sooner jump right in!
  There needs to be some big sheets of paper to brainstorm on aka seek God's ideas and to help discern what the final product will look like. That's a different approach as well. NO DIVING!
  Lord, help me wrest every little nuance from the story!
  And maybe this is why the few larger fiction pieces I've tried to write have fizzled. This gift was meant for something far more.
  Wow.
  Lord, keep in me a humble heart.
  And maybe, just maybe, in among the anxiety is a bit of excitement.
  "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. An you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere--in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." Acts 1:8

AAAaaaaagh!!! Not again!!

   It's different sitting in a cafe trying to write while conversations swirl all around. Staring at the back of another patron is a far cry from the view from the kitchen window this morning. It blessed me with glimpses of a Pileated Woodpecker. It's one of the largest woodpeckers, very shy, rarely seen and judging by the amount of wood falling away, very strong.

  Long pause.

 
  This isn't working today. I am distracted by a gazillion things. Not just the crowd around me.
  Ha. It's hard to write, to focus on matters of faith when my stomach is in knots because the old fiend, anxiety is through the roof. Although I am now recognizing it as a partially seasonal event this year. The shortening days always hit me hard. It's good to finally figure one contributing factor out.
 
  It's hard to focus when I am angry at everything and nothing. Being angry about being anxious is not helpful. Fuel for the fire and all that.
  And then I get all condemning about the anger...How unChristianlike I am!
  Sigh.

  It's draining when every time something new gets added to my plate, regardless if it is a little task or a big one, it sends me over the top with the screaming heebie-jeebies.
  Renovating the bathroom? It's not going to happen any time soon...it's just too much to handle right now.
  The joys of an anxiety disorder...maybe that's part of the anger. I am tired of it. And yes, feeling very bitter this morning.

  But, as matters stand, it's the stark reality of my daily/hourly existence.
  Yes, I have good stretches but when the scales are balanced, like I said earlier, it doesn't take much to unbalance them.
  So...where is God in all of this?

  "O Lord, I am calling to you. Please hurry! Listen when I cry to you for help! Accept my prayer as incense offered to you, and my upraised hands as an evening offering." Psalm 141:1-2

 
 

 
 
 

Change Up

  Technology has changed. I need to think how I manage to chew through so much data. My habits haven't changed that much. Or maybe they have in subtle ways. Having an increased data limit doesn't seem to have rectified the problem with my home internet access. Especially since my provider hasn't adjusted my account to reflect the added amount. That problem is to be rectified on October 9th. But, even with the recent addition, I would have run out anyways.
  So if I disappear around the first week of the month, it's because I've run out of data. Overages are an obscene amount of money. One and a half gigs over costs $100. Yes, Canadians pay one of the highest rates for phone, internet and so forth.
  Regardless, I need to go on a data diet. Which is partially why I haven't blogged the last couple of days. 
  This morning sees me in a local coffee shop utilizing their free-to-customer WiFi, coffee and muffin at hand. "Free" is a matter of perspective.
  So, the diet. Which is actually more about setting some boundaries. I will no longer check work emails at home. Instead, they will be dealt with at work. It's supposed to be that way anyways but finding massive amounts of mail to go through when there's limited time...a modern problem. It's why I peeked in a couple times a week.
  I won't use my phone at work to Google stuff for visitors (and me) unless it's hooked up to our WiFi.
  Sharing photos on the blog and on Facebook is expensive now I realize my phone takes pictures that utilize more pixels ergo more megawhatsis. Facebook stuffs itself on data, too. All the posted comments, pictures, movies, aren't free to look at in terms of data. The irrelevant ads only make it worse.
  My use of Facebook might be coming to an end, or at least, it will be greatly restricted...something to peruse when a WiFi hot spot is available.
  I think it boils down to staying away from anything that contains images like checking out flyers, store products, or online shopping. Looking at kitchen designs is part of that. It will have to be the old fashioned way...imagine! Going into a store! Purchasing a magazine!
  But I do have to be grateful there are plenty of restaurants, coffee shops, businesses and even the library that offer WiFi services to their customers. The choice of location this morning was a higher end coffee shop because it is usually quieter than the nearby Tim Hortons. The coffee is extra tasty, too. And who knows what conversations will arise from having my Bible on the table beside me. Lord, Your will be done!
  For the next nine days, I'll need to go out to blog. This could mean posting is a bit sporadic. We'll just have to see.
  Thank You, Lord, for the businesses who recognize the need for technology. Bless them for it. In Jesus' name I pray. AMEN!
  "He also asked, "What else is the Kingdom of God like? It is like the yeast a woman used in making bread. Even though she put only a little yeast in three measures of flour, it permeated every part of the dough." Luke 13:20-21