I Am Freely Given All Things Romans 8:32 by Susan L.

  "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?" NKJV
  "Since he (God) did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else?" JCB

  Wisdom, insight and discernment are the gifts of understanding. Perseverance, patience, grace, and forgiveness are the gifts of healing. Redemption is the gift of new life. Compassion, joy, love and peace are the fruit of that new life; the gifts of a Holy harvest.
  "Everything else" is a long list. It's probably longer because for sure I've missed something. Oh, yah, humility.
  These are gifts of the Holy Spirit, the Helper God gave all believers.
 
  _______________

  Lord, thank You.
  And I have to cut this short. I will let everyone know why soon.
 
 
 
 

I am Free John 8:36 by Susan L.

  "Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." NKJV
  "So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free." JCB

  Jesus says earlier in the chapter in verse 31-32, "You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."
  How do I discern truth?
  More importantly, what is truth? Google defines it as the quality or state of being true. That's not a whole lot of help is it?
  Two people who attended a social engagement are interviewed the next day. Both of them had very different descriptions. For one it was a great time. For the other, not so much. Which is true? Was it a great party or not?
  Is truth subject to perspective? How I remember something is my truth based on the experiences and events that shaped my world view. This doesn't make it wrong...Hmmm...the wrongness only reveals itself based on my responses or choices. If I choose to hurt others because I have been hurt, that's where the wrong comes in.

  Sometimes living on my own can be lonely. I've felt it especially so in these last few weeks of chaos and intense, roller coaster emotions. When these big, life questions come up, Pumpkin doesn't have much to say except for the demand, "Love me. NOW! Prrrrrrrrr!"
  There's something to be said for simplicity and living in the moment.
 
  How does this all tie in together?
  My walk with Jesus has been an epic quest in pursuit of truth, of finding out how He sees the events of my life. He's peeled me like an onion, layer after layer. Which, by the way, if you've ever peeled an onion, there's tears involved. Every layer was tenderly wrapped in grace and forgiveness. As mentioned before, experiences and events shaped my world view. It is a world view, not a Jesus view.
  The truth of Jesus has its foundation in love.
  "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
  Without love, there is no truth. Without truth, there is no freedom.
  Thank You, Lord, that I am being set free.
 
 
 
 
 
 

I am a Fragrance 2 Corinthians 2:15-16 by Susan L.

   "For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing. To the one we are the aroma leading to death, and to the other the aroma of life leading to life. And who is sufficient for these things?" NKJV
  "Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God. But this fragrance is perceived differently by those who are being saved and by those who are perishing. To those who are perishing, we are a dreadful smell of death and doom. But to those who are being saved, we are a life-giving perfume. And who is adequate for such a task as this?" JCB

  I am a bit distracted this morning. Dreaming about home renovations and how to squeeze more space into my tiny kitchen. Ideas, solutions, thinking about what would work, what wouldn't, scrapping a plan then coming up with another. Dreams of a mud room off the back door and possibly a garage for the car and the snow blower I'll need one day when the shovelling gets too hard. Dreams of a renovated bathroom. Dreams...it feels good to simply hope that one day these dreams will be fulfilled.
  The reality is a new furnace would come first before anything else. I could repaint my bedroom for a whole lot less of an investment. It's looking a little tired.
  Now, what colour? Hmmm...
  Or maybe this ties in after all. If Jesus is the corner stone, hope is the mortar of faith.
  When the woman who led me to the Lord first came to the farm to train my young mare, there was something about her, something good that drew me like a bee to a bloom. It had been a "chance" conversation at the local corner store which led me to hire her, a horse whisperer. Those few exchanged words with the store owner would eventually lead to my salvation.
  This lovely woman with a passion for horses had an aura of life and light that made her absolutely beautiful despite barn boots and work clothes. The fragrance of Jesus followed her everywhere. She wore hope like a mantle: the hope that there is something good and wonderful in this world. When she left for home, the shadows moved back in. Depression cruelly snickered and settled in for the rest of the day. I couldn't wait for her to come back and do another training session. I was starving for hope and goodness and joy and peace and acceptance.
  She didn't preach at me. She didn't try and "win me over to the Christian way". She didn't have to. I wanted what she had only I didn't know quite what that was.
  God honoured the unspoken prayer of my heart. For that I am ever grateful because now I can pray, I can ask, that I carry the sweet fragrance that is the hope of Jesus to those who don't know Him. This I do in Jesus' name. AMEN!
  Oh, and about the furnace...lead me to the best deal and an honest tradesman. In Jesus' name. Amen again!
 
 

Lost and Found Luke 19:10 by Susan L.

  "For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost." NKJV
  "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save those who are lost." JCB

  I think I like the older translation better for the simple reason that even though this passage was written a long time ago, Jesus has come and still comes to save us. "Came" implies it was only an historical event, not an ongoing one.
  He has come to save "that which was lost." It's more than our souls. He has come to save our minds, our hearts and our bodies as well. His love and great grace will redeem every single aspect of our existence.
  Maybe that's why I am so angry at myself because of what happened with the landlord. In the blink of an eye, all the work the Lord has done to help me believe in my worth flew out the window. All the work the Lord has done to reinforce the idea that I have a voice vanished. All the healing vanished the moment I was faced with the merest hint of conflict with a man. The old behaviours swept in: the submissiveness, the people pleasing, the fear of rejection, of not being "liked", the inability to ask for help...it's a long list.
  So I am feeling somewhat disheartened. The old road map is more firmly entrenched than I thought. Maybe I need to find some compassion here and patience. It took forty odd years to make this map. It's bound to have hidden pathways still wired into my subconscious.
  Lord? I need Your grace to fill me. I need Your guidance to get back on the right path. I need Your insight to uncover the keys that unlock the old map so they can be tossed away. Most of all, I need to be able to recognize when it starts to lead me astray from Your ways the moment it starts doing so.
  I can let go of being angry at myself now. In a burst of imagination, I am tearing up the old map, scrunching it into a ball and tossing it into the trash where it belongs.
  The pristine, Jesus map is being lovingly unfolded and laid on my heart and soul. It doesn't have a North, South, East or West because all ways lead to Him.
  Hmmm. It would appear the old map does too!
 
 
 
 

 

Affirmation #106 by Susan L.

  I am formed in the womb by God. Jeremiah 1:5
  "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations." NKJV
  "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations." JCB

  I confess to not having lived according to my calling or this truth about who I am in Christ.
  A week ago Friday, I drove my uncle to his final home. Panicking, I thought I'd got us lost in unfamiliar, downtown Hamilton so, after pulling over, I gave the hospice a quick call. It was only two more right hand turns and a couple of blocks away. We weren't lost after all.
  My uncle spent the twenty minute trip laid back in the passenger seat. I can only imagine his thoughts as he left his home of some forty plus years. He's not one to share.
  Getting him settled and assessing his needs took a good part of the afternoon. I left to pick him up some new clothes. It's been a challenge to find something that is comfortable for him now he is almost completely bedridden. His comfort is top priority.
  I wasn't sure how to get back to my uncle's house from the hospice because the one way road we took didn't go back the other way. One of the staff gave me directions. It took me through downtown Hamilton.
  Pulled up at a stop light, a man on a bike was petting his dog and rubbing its paw. The poor thing was yelping in a high pitched, "Yi! Yi! Yi!" that echoed in the stone and cement canyon of buildings. I guess its paw had gotten run over.
  The sound was a huge trigger for me, reminding of when my own dog had broken his leg. Tears bubbled up but were quickly swallowed down.
  Driving block after block and seeing no signs of the highway, feeling utterly overwhelmed and lost, at another red light, I waved to the car beside me. She pulled forward. I asked her where the highway was. She smiled and said, "Follow me! I am going the same way." This lovely woman even pulled over to wait for me when another red light forced a stop. Tears, only this time of gratitude bubbled up but were quickly swallowed. I needed to pay attention to the road. God bless her for her kindness towards a stranger. She only sped away when I saw the highway turn off and gave her a wave of thanks.
  Then: Walmart. The one near my uncle's house is massive. It's not laid out the same as other's I've been in. The amount of merchandise is staggering. As I struggled to locate the few items needed, already running on overwhelm from the emotions of the morning, the drive through unfamiliar streets, and having the daunting task at hand of clearing out the house ahead, more tears bubbled up and were quickly swallowed down. My uncle's comfort was the priority here.
  The tears were mostly because of feeling overwhelmed and tired from all the organizing, the phone calls, and making sure my uncle had everything he needed.
  A quick stop at the house was made for something to eat and to put name tags on the new clothes. An hour later, I went to the hospice for a bit before heading back to my uncle's house for the night.
  A shower helped. Jammies helped dispel some of the feelings of overwhelm and helped me relax a bit for the first time in days.
  As I sat at the kitchen table, a strange man and woman walked past the front door. The landlord showed them around the yard then they came in the house to look around. Potential tenants.
  Wow. My uncle's bed barely had time to cool.
  After they left, the landlord said he wanted me out of there as soon as possible because these new tenants wanted to come in and paint. He dumped his landlord woes, like how he hadn't charged my uncle two months rent as notice of vacating the property (his legal right) so therefore I had to get out ASAP.
  "I was expecting your uncle to live here for at least another three months because the doctor gave him three to six months to live. Now I have to rent the place as quickly as possible and these people want it."
  What?! Did he just say what I thought he said? The floodgates opened and I finally cried.
  (Legally, he needed to give me twenty-four hours notice before coming in. Now why didn't I think of that then?)
  I was mentally and emotionally incapable of stringing any sort of sentence together. Having this bomb dropped in my lap didn't help.
  I really need to lift this up to the Lord because I am not feeling particularly charitable towards this man who was not only the landlord but claimed to be a long time friend. Yes, he helped my uncle out by taking out the garbage and checking in on him regularly. I can find gratitude for that.
  What bothers me the most is why I allowed them in when it wasn't a good time. What bothers me is why I didn't ask him to wait until the next day to show the people the inside of the house. What bothers me the most is why I didn't ask him to speak with me in the morning because I was upset and feeling very vulnerable. It had been a hard, long day. What bothers me is why I felt it was my responsibility to solve his problems. What bothers me is why I didn't ask him to leave but instead felt obligated to listen to him talk at me for over half an hour.
 
  Sigh. Old habits, old conditionings about dealing with men still run deep.
  As things turned out, with my son's help, I didn't need until the 15th. There was some furniture to be donated that was left behind but I figured (spitefully I confess) the landlord could deal with it because I'd called a charity to come and get it but they couldn't be there until the 15th. Another friend of my uncle was going to do a dump run and look after the rented medical equipment needing to be picked up.
  I am relieved it's done, that I am not at home thinking about having to go back and continue the daunting task of emptying my uncle's house. What bothers me is the bitter taste about how it ended up happening.
  So how does all this tie into today's affirmation?
  Lord, in all of this, many prayers passed over my lips. Thank You that You answered them. Thank You that You answered unspoken prayers as well. Thank You that my uncle has been placed in a Catholic hospice, that there will be an opportunity for my uncle to find comfort in Your arms. Thank You that You sustained me and gave me the strength to control the tears. Thank You for the people who have helped me during these difficult times.
  Well, there's one thing about my identity I know for sure. I am grateful.
  I am also finally feeling more myself. Two good night's sleep has made a world of difference.
  I also trust that the Lord will help me grow beyond the limitations of my experiences, that one day I will be fully who He predestined me to be.
 
 
 
 
 

Back in the Saddle by Susan L.

  I am not going to do an affirmation today instead, there's a need to sit back, take stock and have a chat. It's been a hectic, crazy busy, very emotional time over the last several weeks. It was wonderful to finally get to church this morning although, as expected, the moment worship began, the stuffed down tears began to flow. I've been running in "git-er-done" mode and there hasn't been any space or time to allow any grieving to take place.
  A friend came over yesterday and helped me load the car with boxes of household items to be donated. And there were Boxes. Not just from the last load to come out of my uncle's house but from other car loads I'd brought home while helping him clear things out. Just having an extra set of hands to pass boxes to made such a difference. It eliminated running up and down stairs. It wasn't as tiring for an already tired ole body.
  I donated all of it to a local charity store. Not having stacked boxes in the basement has taken a weight off my shoulders. It has also filled me with more incentive to do my own purging when there's time.
  There was one item that absolutely had to go. It was a small, storage bench my uncle had made that had graced their front porch for as long as I can remember. The moment I had tied it to the roof rack of my car, it hit me hard. My uncle wasn't coming home.
  That was why my last long post was cut off so abruptly. A hospice had called wanting to do an assessment. They had a bed available. It was really just a formality because they had spoken to my uncle's family doctor who said he urgently needed the care they could provide. They will do everything in their power to keep him comfortable.
  He was moved in the next day.
  In yesterday's car loading, I forgot that the bench was in the shed before all the boxes were put into my car. Rather than unpack everything, my friend suggested putting it out at the end of the driveway. Just as I was heading out to the charity store, a woman with a pick-up truck was placing it in the back.
  "It's perfect!" she exclaimed with delight, "I've two small children. It will make a perfect toy box!"
  I am glad it's gone to a good home. I am glad that the handmade bench may become someone else's heirloom.
  I've been home a few days but with the laptop on the fritz, I haven't been able to write except for the brief cell phone post. I took the laptop with me today to where I bought it. I was fully anticipating having to replace it. It turned on no problem. (Like the funny noise a car makes until it is at the garage!) They ran a couple of diagnostics but couldn't find anything wrong. They call it chip creak. I called it being up chip creek.
  Apparently, sometimes something gets shaken up then gets shaken back into place which accounted for the lack of life every time I tried to turn the silly thing on.
  Relieved, and happy they didn't try to sell me anything or even charge me for the diagnostics that took enough time to have a coffee and a gooey, sticky, hot cinnamon bun treat. Y2KComputors has earned all my future business. They are at the 400 Flea Market if you live locally.
  I did get a new cell phone on Friday, taking advantage of the back-to-school sales. It too, at four years old was showing signs of leaving this earth. The fellow who helped me went the extra mile to make sure all my contact info, photos, etc. were transferred to the new one. That's a big help!
  I can't tell you how nice it was last Thursday to mow the lawn. It was a massive dose of normalcy amidst all the upheaval and time away from home. I kept having to stop for wood frogs (one was a butterscotch colour!) and toads in all sizes who had been happily living in the long, lush grass. With all the rain this summer, it's extra thick and moist. Only one didn't get out of the way fast enough and I hadn't seen it. That made me rather sad but all the more vigilant and patient.
  Even sitting here, mid-afternoon, typing away is helping restore some balance. If I have another good sleep tonight like the one that started at 9:30 last night, I should be back to normal in no time.
  I have to give thanks for family, friends, strangers and businesses with integrity. I have to give thanks that even though I lost sight of the Lord during these frantic days, He never lost sight of me.
  "What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord." Ps 116:12-13 NKJV

Patience, Please Lord by Susan L

  This feels like a step back in time. My laptop has quit. My cell phone, after four years has also bit the biscuit.  To be grateful, my cell phone company has back to school sales on. And I even remembered my sign in info for Blogger!
This entry is being done via phone so it's going to be a short one. I hope to get a new, refurbished one Sunday.
Sigh...on top of everything else...sigh again.
  I couldn't do it without the Lord.