Affirmation #106 by Susan L.

  I am formed in the womb by God. Jeremiah 1:5
  "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations." NKJV
  "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations." JCB

  I confess to not having lived according to my calling or this truth about who I am in Christ.
  A week ago Friday, I drove my uncle to his final home. Panicking, I thought I'd got us lost in unfamiliar, downtown Hamilton so, after pulling over, I gave the hospice a quick call. It was only two more right hand turns and a couple of blocks away. We weren't lost after all.
  My uncle spent the twenty minute trip laid back in the passenger seat. I can only imagine his thoughts as he left his home of some forty plus years. He's not one to share.
  Getting him settled and assessing his needs took a good part of the afternoon. I left to pick him up some new clothes. It's been a challenge to find something that is comfortable for him now he is almost completely bedridden. His comfort is top priority.
  I wasn't sure how to get back to my uncle's house from the hospice because the one way road we took didn't go back the other way. One of the staff gave me directions. It took me through downtown Hamilton.
  Pulled up at a stop light, a man on a bike was petting his dog and rubbing its paw. The poor thing was yelping in a high pitched, "Yi! Yi! Yi!" that echoed in the stone and cement canyon of buildings. I guess its paw had gotten run over.
  The sound was a huge trigger for me, reminding of when my own dog had broken his leg. Tears bubbled up but were quickly swallowed down.
  Driving block after block and seeing no signs of the highway, feeling utterly overwhelmed and lost, at another red light, I waved to the car beside me. She pulled forward. I asked her where the highway was. She smiled and said, "Follow me! I am going the same way." This lovely woman even pulled over to wait for me when another red light forced a stop. Tears, only this time of gratitude bubbled up but were quickly swallowed. I needed to pay attention to the road. God bless her for her kindness towards a stranger. She only sped away when I saw the highway turn off and gave her a wave of thanks.
  Then: Walmart. The one near my uncle's house is massive. It's not laid out the same as other's I've been in. The amount of merchandise is staggering. As I struggled to locate the few items needed, already running on overwhelm from the emotions of the morning, the drive through unfamiliar streets, and having the daunting task at hand of clearing out the house ahead, more tears bubbled up and were quickly swallowed down. My uncle's comfort was the priority here.
  The tears were mostly because of feeling overwhelmed and tired from all the organizing, the phone calls, and making sure my uncle had everything he needed.
  A quick stop at the house was made for something to eat and to put name tags on the new clothes. An hour later, I went to the hospice for a bit before heading back to my uncle's house for the night.
  A shower helped. Jammies helped dispel some of the feelings of overwhelm and helped me relax a bit for the first time in days.
  As I sat at the kitchen table, a strange man and woman walked past the front door. The landlord showed them around the yard then they came in the house to look around. Potential tenants.
  Wow. My uncle's bed barely had time to cool.
  After they left, the landlord said he wanted me out of there as soon as possible because these new tenants wanted to come in and paint. He dumped his landlord woes, like how he hadn't charged my uncle two months rent as notice of vacating the property (his legal right) so therefore I had to get out ASAP.
  "I was expecting your uncle to live here for at least another three months because the doctor gave him three to six months to live. Now I have to rent the place as quickly as possible and these people want it."
  What?! Did he just say what I thought he said? The floodgates opened and I finally cried.
  (Legally, he needed to give me twenty-four hours notice before coming in. Now why didn't I think of that then?)
  I was mentally and emotionally incapable of stringing any sort of sentence together. Having this bomb dropped in my lap didn't help.
  I really need to lift this up to the Lord because I am not feeling particularly charitable towards this man who was not only the landlord but claimed to be a long time friend. Yes, he helped my uncle out by taking out the garbage and checking in on him regularly. I can find gratitude for that.
  What bothers me the most is why I allowed them in when it wasn't a good time. What bothers me is why I didn't ask him to wait until the next day to show the people the inside of the house. What bothers me the most is why I didn't ask him to speak with me in the morning because I was upset and feeling very vulnerable. It had been a hard, long day. What bothers me is why I felt it was my responsibility to solve his problems. What bothers me is why I didn't ask him to leave but instead felt obligated to listen to him talk at me for over half an hour.
 
  Sigh. Old habits, old conditionings about dealing with men still run deep.
  As things turned out, with my son's help, I didn't need until the 15th. There was some furniture to be donated that was left behind but I figured (spitefully I confess) the landlord could deal with it because I'd called a charity to come and get it but they couldn't be there until the 15th. Another friend of my uncle was going to do a dump run and look after the rented medical equipment needing to be picked up.
  I am relieved it's done, that I am not at home thinking about having to go back and continue the daunting task of emptying my uncle's house. What bothers me is the bitter taste about how it ended up happening.
  So how does all this tie into today's affirmation?
  Lord, in all of this, many prayers passed over my lips. Thank You that You answered them. Thank You that You answered unspoken prayers as well. Thank You that my uncle has been placed in a Catholic hospice, that there will be an opportunity for my uncle to find comfort in Your arms. Thank You that You sustained me and gave me the strength to control the tears. Thank You for the people who have helped me during these difficult times.
  Well, there's one thing about my identity I know for sure. I am grateful.
  I am also finally feeling more myself. Two good night's sleep has made a world of difference.
  I also trust that the Lord will help me grow beyond the limitations of my experiences, that one day I will be fully who He predestined me to be.