Victim

  “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Psalm 139:16

 

  I struggle to identify myself as a victim. It was difficult hearing the church overseers refer to the anonymous woman who came forward as, “THE VICTIM.” It is dehumanizing. It’s why she chose a name, Hagar.

  It would appear I hold some deep prejudices. Why?

  Is it simply another name for self pity?

  Does naming myself Victim imply I believe the world owes me? Am I selfish?

  Does it mean I am pointing fingers?

  Does being a victim mean I want other people to feel sorry for me?

  Is identifying as a victim fake?

  Huh…it would appear there’s a battle going on. What a load of crap!

 

  To be a victim means something bad happened, something hurt you, someone hurt you. It means admitting this.

  For the longest time I would share pieces of my story and call myself, A Woman Who These Things Happened To. I realize now it was a way of disconnecting my emotions and helped me minimalize the consequences of these experiences.

  (Smile.) God, obviously, has other ideas about it.

  Yesterday’s post surprised me. It felt like it came out of left field and was waaay off topic. God, again, knew what He was doing.

  It’s about needing permission or, should I say, giving myself permission to be okay with feeling the deep feels that come my way. It doesn’t have to be logical. It doesn’t have to be in any sort of consecutive order. There isn’t a time line, or a finish date. How could there be? When a start date comes, there’s nothing I can do but begin. (I admit to a certain degree of procrastination at times. A tough road requires a deep breath before setting out.)

 

  I think I can finally surrender feeling responsible for how other people feel. Pointing a finger means there’s three fingers pointing back at me. Those are the ones I am most concerned with.

  It’s not in me to intentionally hurt someone. While sometimes I imagine the worst things to inflict on those who abused me, it doesn’t last long. Honesty isn’t always pretty.

  But it’s also crucial that I don’t fear speaking up or sharing my perspective because it might cause someone else to feel hurt, especially if they are personally involved.

  I am a victim.

  I have experienced sexual, emotional, mental, and physical abuse. It has impacted me in ways I am still trying to understand. I know it has shaped how I think and act, in ways that can be, have been and still are detrimental to my personal well being.

  It’s time for a change.

  Lord, I surrender the clock to You. Let me be willing and able to follow where You lead, whenever and however that happens. AMEN!