Tracing paper is used to reproduce an image multiple
times. It’s a trick learned in college. I have only traced the outline of the
woman and dragon once since this art journey started with an initial drawing. Tracing paper is thin. It’s surprising I’ve
managed to get ten copies from it. It’s started tearing, though, along the
lines I’ve gone over and over on.
To transfer the image on the tracing paper to
the painting surface (a heavy, multi-media paper in this case) a soft pencil is
used to scribble all over the back. It’s wiped with a small piece of tissue to
remove the excess crumbs of lead so the paper doesn’t get all dirty. Basically,
a 4B pencil has been used to make homemade carbon paper. That small piece of pencil
dust covered tissue is used to wipe the back each time I want to reuse the
traced image. This freshens up the ability of the lines to transfer clearly.
It’s not an exact science so there are small
differences in each reproduction.
While working on the paintings I realized I
have a great deal of patience. Then out comes the hair dryer to dry the
paint faster. Patience only goes so far. (Smile.)
The water ripples in today’s image speaks to
all that has been going on in my head. Every fresh and new idea God has placed
in my heart has an outward reaching effect. What happened with Bruxy also
created ripples…well, maybe more of tsunami. Ripples cannot be created without
a catalyst. Change cannot begin without one, either.
I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness,
too. At some point I scribbled down the idea that forgiving too quickly doesn’t
allow any room to examine why we have been hurt. I finally understand, though,
why Jesus says we need to forgive those who hurt us over and over. The
take-a-way is our human forgiveness is never one and done. If we believe this,
then all we have done is build a sea wall to prevent the next wave of hurt from hitting
our hearts.
I will say again, forgiveness is not an
acceptance of the status quo.
When a ripple hits something, it bounces
back.
“Just because someone gets upset with us
saying, “No,” does not mean our “no” is wrong.” This was shared in yesterday’s
staff training on Privacy and Security. Gotta love God’s timing!
It’s hard for me. Oh, I can decline stuff
like a second helping of peas, (smile) but when it comes to putting boundaries
in place…the ripples that bounce back usually have me assuming a submissive posture.
God is teaching me to sit up straight.
This Easter journey to the Cross has had a
profound effect. It has been one of deliverance and letting go. It's physical, too. My heart grows lighter.
The greatest breakthrough is realizing someone who is compliant naturally gravitates
to someone who is controlling and vice versa.
That’s hard to swallow because the dynamics
of such relationships only re-enforces both types of behaviours (the ripples
bounce back and forth.) It’s why we compliant people end up trapped over and
over in a cycle of abuse. The demands made of us make us more compliant in an
effort to please.
What is familiar blinds us and silences us. It’s
not that we won’t see the unhealthy
dynamics, it’s that we can’t. (There’s
that old burden of false responsibility again.)
The ripples bounce back.
I am not stuck in the past; the past is stuck
in me.
There's been a prayerful exploration with God surrounding what is
important to me in a relationship. I never thought I had the right to disclose
my needs. Honestly? I didn’t. That’s the last thing Control wants to hear.
Laughter. It’s such a small but significant
thing. It’s being free to share my quirky, sometimes twisted, sense of
humour. It’s being free to laugh at myself and with someone. Nothing scares away the shadows like a good dose of endorphins.
The freedom of self expression. By all means,
laugh away! And girl, part of this is
having boundaries.
Curiosity and having someone ask questions. It
means there is an honest desire to understand and know me. If I am the only one
asking…yah…something is terribly amiss.
The ability to discuss perspectives, ideas,
and thoughts. It’s just as important to be given the space to formulate and
hold our unique perspectives and thoughts. It’s not important to agree on everything.
Historically, I agreed with things I didn’t really agree with, another of
Compliancy’s traits.
Respect. Having my, “No.” mean something.
Trust. Compliancy’s mother is Fear. Being trusted
is also important. Maybe Control comes into being because those who control can’t
trust anyone either. (That’s an interesting observation…thank You Lord, for
dipping my toes in Grace.) I know it takes time to build trust in a
relationship. Trust isn’t easy for me either.
Vulnerability. That comes with building trust
or is trust born out of vulnerability?
Compromise. This absolutely cannot be one
sided. If it is, than compromise is spelled C-o-m-p-l-i-a-n-t.
Celebration. That’s huge! Having a community cheer
me on during these last few weeks of hard slogging means more to me than you
could possibly imagine. I’ve never had a cheerleader before. Having a whole
squad is amazing!
Affirmation. This is my love language. I
never knew this before now. It’s like giving a box of chocolates to my soul. It’s
why I experience such incredulous joy when God pops in an affirmation like the
one about saying, “No,” during yesterday’s training. His timing is always
perfect.
Community. If there’s no place for other
people in my life…I need to run away as quickly as I can. It’s Control evolving
into Abuse.
My relationship with God holds no fear. I
give thanks that He has revealed how my compliant nature not only enabled the
abuse but sent waves of non-verbal cues out to the world. While this makes me
sad, this understanding is without shame or blame. It’s only natural that
someone who needs to be in control would respond to my messages.
Another layer of forgiveness has appeared. I
can’t be angry at them for being who they are. I just don’t have to be in a relationship
with these types of people any more. It’s not healthy for either of us.
It’s my birthday on Easter Monday. The day of
celebrating the resurrection of Jesus now holds a deep personal connection. God
has raised me from the dead, too. It’s more than that. He has showed me what
life is, what life can be as He helps me leave the past behind.
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