Unspoken

“Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.” Eph 6:10

 

no

is a necessary magic

 

no

draws a circle around you

with chalk

and says

I have given enough

--boundaries

 

  Pretty sure my blood pressure is up. Today’s painting was sketchy. I had a hard time staying in the lines. Looking at the hand, I wasn’t sure if she was putting the stop sign in the bowl or if she was taking it out. The bowl isn’t nearly big enough.

 

   My life is full of unspoken, “No’s.”

  They have trapped me into doing things I don’t want to do because of the silence on my part.

  Difficult conversations lay ahead because some major changes have to be made.

  It will come as a surprise to those who have rarely, if ever, heard me say it. They may wonder where it came from, out of the blue like that.

 

  My soul is full of unspoken, “No’s.”

  My beloved Granny lay in a hospital bed dying of cancer. Ten year old me drew near. She weakly laid a wasted and withered hand on my arm. Her last hoarse and whispered words to me were, “Be a good girl.” They burned me like fire.

  I couldn’t let on to anyone that I wasn’t.

 

  My heart is full of unspoken, “No’s.”

  My brother had to walk me to school. The trek to kindergarten took us behind a shopping plaza. A deep pot hole was full of water. He egged me on to put my boot in to see how deep it was. “Your foot won’t get wet,” he assured me (snickering with the boy beside him.)

  My brother and his friend ran off, laughing, the moment the water cascaded over the top of my boot. I squished my way to school alone, head down, burning with shame at my stupidity.

  I had to take my tights off when I got there because they were soaked to the knee. The teacher, Miss Horner, put my tights and wet boot on the radiator to dry them off. I was even more ashamed to see the evidence of my gullibility on public display like that.

 

  My mind is full of unspoken “No’s.”

  I wish I could forget. I wish I had fewer memories like this. I wish my unspoken, “No’s” hadn’t created events that have been seared into my consciousness. They are so vivid I can hear, taste and smell the moments they happened.

  It was overcast, the day of the boot. I can see the dirty water shimmering gray as it caressed the broken asphalt. I can see the ripples caused as I tentatively put my red, buckle-up boot deeper and deeper into the puddle. I can feel the icy cold water rush around my toes and the sensation of it crawling up my tights clad leg.

   It seems like such a little thing. Maybe, in the grand scheme of things it is. Maybe I needed to share this because the memories of far worse things are also seared into my being. Yah, flashbacks are awful.

  The lifetime of suppressed and silenced, “No’s,” ignite them as I sit here and type. Memory after memory after memory clouds my vision.

 

  I have given enough.

  God, help me wrap my lips and tongue around, “no, no more, stop.”

  I have given enough.

  God, release me of the responsibility I feel because I didn't try to say, “No,” sooner.

  I have given enough.

  God, fill me with the courage to rattle cages. 

  I have given enough.

  God, fill me with strength to stand behind my, "No."

  I have given enough.

  God, free me from the anger I feel because my, "no," was ignored or overpowered more times than I care to remember.

  Huh?... Oh...I wasn't the only one adding to the bowl! 

  (A huge sigh of relief.) Thank You, Lord, for wrapping it up this way. AMEN!