Hitting the Wall by Susan L.

  Or maybe instead I've gone through that little door that was written about yesterday.
  Our student ran a short and sweet chocolate meditation group yesterday at the centre. It was her first official group and she did a fine job. Her soft voice had us all focused on a piece of dark chocolate as it dissolved on our tongue.
  However, as the chocolate was melting, so was I. Maybe because it put me in a position to relax. Probably because it caused me to drop my guard, to drop the tight rein I'd been keeping on my emotions. There was nothing to do but let the tears flow down.
  Lord, why does crying make me feel ashamed?
  It surprised me, this upwelling of grief, that terribly complicated emotional stew. I knew a good chunk of it was because I've been trying so darn hard to keep doing all that is required all by myself. It takes a huge amount of energy to pretend all is well.
  Lord, why do I feel I need to pretend, to try so hard, in the first place? What am I trying to prove? And for whom?
  I thank God I work where I do. This sort of thing happens all the time and we all rally around to support the person who is in distress in whatever way they need. It doesn't matter if you are staff or a visitor. It's what we do. We are a family.
  Lord, why is it when it happens to me I feel I let everyone down? Why did I feel I had to hide in the office? Is it because I was working and therefore shouldn't be "weak"? Why do I even consider tears as weakness? Why did I leave work early when the truth was I didn't want to be alone?
  Lord, why am I so afraid of asking for help? Why couldn't I fall back into someone's waiting arms?
  Thank You for the courage to finally send an email to my therapist requesting an appointment. Yes, I haven't seen her in a long time but right now I am terribly confused and hurting.
  Lord, why do I feel I need to defend that decision?
  Lord, You are the God of growth and truth. I celebrate the fact You have answered my "Whys?" many times, often within the span of a blog post! I know this collapse of the façade is an answer to prayers, I feel Your hand on my heart. I trust You will lead me and heal me of my wounds. Forgive my pride, Lord, and lead me into forgiveness. All of this, I pray in Jesus' name.
  "And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it." Jn 14:13-14