Why Do I Do This? by Susan L.

  Okay. Volunteering. Committing myself to extra demands when I know I am already stretched thin.
  I offered to cook lunch at the centre this week. We've lately eaten wonderful middle eastern cuisine thanks to a visitor who offered her time. I felt we needed to do something truly Canadian: a Tortiere made with ground beef and pork. It demands a pastry from scratch. Yummy! The plan is having potato wedges and a salad to accompany it.
  It's got me in an all too familiar, frantic dither. It's a lot to do to get ready for lunch. I am left wondering why I volunteered in the first place.
  A stroke of Genius! Thank You Lord. I can ask my co-worker to help by making the salad and wedges. She makes amazing potatoes. Or there's no harm even backing out if I need to because my mouth has me stepping up to the plate time and again with no regard for how I am struggling right now.
  Ignoring the warning signs of a tight chest, sensitive hearing, and knots in my stomach doesn't make them go away. It's time to be honest and ditch the ostrich act.
  I wonder if all this anxiety is the Lord teaching me to delegate. Something that doesn't come easily. Asking for help is another ongoing challenge.
  So here's the question: why is it so difficult?
  Even as I typed it, I heard the answer. I don't want to be a bother and worse, it's a huge challenge to have to rely on others. That's not gone too well in the past for me. At the Trauma conference, we did the exercise where we are asked to fall blindly backwards into the waiting arms of  a person who was going to catch us. I couldn't do it. I tried several times. It wasn't happening. Just having a person standing directly behind me made me nervous. It's not her fault but it was a bit of an eye opener.
  My self esteem is tied up in this as well or should I say in this case it's simple pride. Ouch. Those nasty, "I Shoulds..." ring through loud and clear drowning out the "I needs..."
  Yet, and I've said this to others, when we don't ask for help, we are robbing others of the opportunity to bless us. We deserve to be blessed! (There's something not quite right with that idea but I'm not sure what. For some reason it has the alarm bells ringing. Help me find truth, my Lord.)
  There's a huge whack of self-esteem, as opposed to pride, and trust issues going on here. Hence the volunteering which is the ingrained, pervasive lesson of societal teaching: we are worth what we accomplish.
  Lord, thank You that You are my great Teacher. There are a lot of  undercurrents in today's blog. Forgive me my sins of pride and denial. Help me find truth and healing from all You choose to reveal. In Jesus Name, Amen.
  "Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on a rock." Mat 7:24