Yesterday I felt an insistence that I go to church. It wasn't a still small voice, it was a command. There was no arguing. I hadn't been for several weeks because of feeling overwhelmed and anxious. The moment I got there, I knew why the Lord had insisted on me being there. There were new people who had come for the first time although they weren't new to me. It was the friend and her family who had led me to the Lord nearly a decade ago. We'd fallen out of touch while I struggled with mental health issues, the physical side effects of those and simply surviving.
It didn't escape me, the timing of this reconnection. I'd been burdened by guilt over the breakdown of the first real friendship I'd had in years. She and her mother had saved my life that fateful day I'd decided my life wasn't worth living by leading me to the Lord. She had taken me in for a brief time while I sorted out what I was going to do about my marriage. She was there for me any time I needed. That's probably why the friendship ground to a halt. I was a desperate and drowning woman and clung to her as I struggled to understand what a relationship with Jesus was all about, never mind the extra stuff I was dealing with. Honestly, I was more than desperate, I was out of my mind.
It's a lot to ask of a friend. The Lord knew that and He began to place other people in my life to help me through those dark and terrible days. That first connection simply faded away.
I'm much wiser now in the ways of friends. That was a huge part of my learning curve, learning about healthy relationships, about the give and take, the balance, the boundaries needed for them to thrive. I know we need at least five supports to maintain wellness. My psychiatrist is one of those five.
I know something else: it was really good to see her and her family. I hope they come back.
As for the guilt? It's another piece to be laid at the foot of the cross on Good Friday.
"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust and the chewing locust...and praise the name of the Lord your God." Joel 2:25-26
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The Robes
"Coming up behind Jesus, she (the woman who had bled for 12 years) touched the fringe of His robe." Luke 9:44 And she was heal...
No guilt necessary. Any "wrong" that may have been done is paid for by Christ at the cross. Yet I am sure anyone who has the heart to help as you were helped by these ladies, knows well that they are just a stepping stone in your spiritual walk. Thanksgiving should be the only feeling, guilt is of the enemy. I imagine that they were so encouraged to see you there - and that you blessed them. God is good!
ReplyDeleteThank you, anonymous, for your insight. My head gets it, sometimes it takes the heart a little longer to catch up.
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