I woke up in the middle of the night with a great idea for today's post. Should have written it down because it has vanished into the mists of slumber. As for spending time yesterday thinking about why being busy makes me anxious, that never happened either.
It was a busy day. Isn't that a laugh? Bear with me as I work this through.
So how does a person fulfill roles such as an employee, a family member, or a friend yet remain true to who they are? Or maybe that's my own issue.
I know we are given discernment when it comes to trusting others. I know our pearls are not to be cast willy-nilly. Why do I feel I have to behave differently in order to live up to another's expectations? Talk about stressful!
That comes with a whole travel trunk full of other junk. There's the fear of being vulnerable. It's about the risk involved in showing my true self, my God given self, to others. It's being afraid to make a mistake, of hurting someone. It's the fear of being mocked or ridiculed; of failing. Being with others or in busy, social environments stretches my fragile self confidence to the limit. The old ways of coping go to war with the new, healthier, kinder way of treating myself with patience built on the love God has for all of us, not just me.
Anxiety is fear on overdrive. A panic attack has a mind of its own. Part of the anxiety of being in busy, social situations is being mindful of the warning signs; of watching and waiting for the worst to happen. It's exhausting really. Exhaustion only amplifies the risk. That's one giant hamster wheel I'd be happy to get off of.
Writing about panic stirs the pot. I feel my chest knotting, my blood pressure rising... warning signs.
Thank You, Lord for answers: I am carrying a mountain of shame because of a susceptibility to panic attacks. Attacks that range from simple "too-much-going-on-take-a-deep-breath-you're-okay" right through to "lose-my-mind-RUN!" How is it possible to feel safe in crowds when the biggest betrayals happen within my own skin?
Maybe a change in terminology might help, how about a panic episode?
That shift in identification diffuses the power somehow. It makes it less threatening.
I have nothing to be ashamed of. (That's going to take some help to believe. Forgive me, Lord.)
"Those who are planted in the house of the Lord shall flourish in the courts of our God. They shall still bear fruit in old age; they shall be fresh and flourishing, to declare that the Lord is upright; He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him." Ps 92:13-15
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The Robes
"Coming up behind Jesus, she (the woman who had bled for 12 years) touched the fringe of His robe." Luke 9:44 And she was heal...
I wanted to reach out and give you a hug. (Although I realize a stranger giving you a hug will probably raise your anxiety - ha ha). All joking aside, these attacks are not a laughing matter. They are a debilitating all consuming "attack". Being a fellow sufferer and one who believes in preventive medicine - I wanted some measure of control. Yes, there are tricks, there are triggers to avoid - but, as explained to me - they are "attacks" not something planned on. Cut yourself some slack. I can also relate to the striving to fill the various roles in your life. I often felt I should win an Academy Award for fulfilling mine. It is a tricky balance. Yet as I move along my walk, I realize that most of that striving was just that - striving. Striving to be all that "others" thought I should be. Being measured up day after day by their rulers. Yes - there is a standard of work, morals and respect that we all should hold ourselves to - but we put so much more on ourselves. I don't know if it will help in your situation - but I found honesty was a valuable tool. Letting others know that you cannot do something, at least at the moment, often gives you the release you need to function. People surprised me. When I was honest and told them I wasn't comfortable with something - most were very understanding. They do not need to know the details - just that you can't do something at this time. If they don't like it - that becomes their problem, not yours. A real challenge for a "person pleaser" like me, but boy - what a relief. It takes some time to lay the stones down - but you can do it. You deserve it. Try not to live with the lie that you have to or should be able to do "it all". Blessings.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your wonderful words of validation and understanding. It truly helps to know I am not alone.
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