Coming Back to Safe

  "The Lord your God is giving you a place of rest. He has given you this land." Joshua 1:13

  Coming back to safe. The words shared by a new friend. They are the kind of words where the Lord taps you on the shoulder to make sure you are paying attention. And I have because it's been a long time since I heard something that has stirred my soul with a deep, deep longing. Lord, I want this. I want to feel safe.

  When I was a little, my hardworking dad would grab a much needed nap on the couch. He would lie on his side when I asked him to make me a nest no matter how tired he was. It was wonderful to curl up in the fort his folded legs made. I don't remember if I read or played quietly so as not to disturb him, but I remember how it felt to be there. Safe.

  Eventually, the nest was outgrown and the one place of safety was out of reach. It gets complicated, trying to unravel the core lesson that nothing and no one was safe. Even if they were supposed to be. And as I reflect on more traumatic events, I think this is one of the greatest losses. 

  It makes me very sad to realize just how unsafe Cricket felt, and actually was. Her beauty made it so. And so began a long list of poor choices in a quest for the kind of love that includes being safe. Choices which, in the end, only reinforced there was no safety anywhere.

  I also now understand why knitting binges take over every spare hour and why I draw mandala after mandala. The repetition is constant, comforting. It's not dangerous unless I stab myself with the point of my compass. (Yes, this has happened more than once.)

  When I get going at something for days on end I can now ask myself, "Why don't you feel safe right now?"

  Coming back to safe...I think I need to surrender my role on the Health and Safety team at work. (Smile.) It fosters a constant need to be aware of potential dangers in the workplace. Silly, I know, but it triggers a level of hyper-vigilance and guardedness over and above the usual which, until now, I'd been unaware of.

  It's funny, everything going through my head are solutions and strategies around the things I need to do to nurture a sense of safety. Maybe the woman who unkindly called me a control freak years ago had the right idea after all. It's not but a wonder. 

  It's okay, my Lord, I won't forget about You. How could I? When Your presence is such a comfort; when the nest You make encompasses the entire world. How could I? When I am left amazed by how Your love has guided me to here and now. How could I forget about You? When you have blessed me with the kind people in my life who watch over me. How could I ever forget You when I wear Your prayer around my wrist? 

  "God is here. You are safe."

  I guess I've arrived after all.