Round and Round by Susan L.

  And round again. Our church is following the Meeting House series called "Love, Lust and Loyalty". It's about relationships between men and women in Christ. It challenges the traditional religious take on a patriarchal society. I want to go, to learn, to have my own false understandings changed...I don't know if I can continue going. 
  Sometimes I wish I could get off the memory merry-go-round. Sometimes I wish I could just "get over it".
  And I get angry. At myself. At the way I have to live simply to get by.
  It's been over a decade since my marriage thankfully ended. But then, I live with PTSD and chronic anxiety mostly because of that often horrible relationship. I am reminded every day how bad it was even though there were good times, even though there's much to be thankful for. I am reminded every day even if there is no particular memory that comes to mind. The problem is that ugly has a way of leaping out of the memory banks and tromping all over everything that is good and right with muddy boots.
  Even writing about it and I have to write about it because trying to contain it is the path to despair. I've been there. I don't want to end up in that terrible and dark place. I have to write about it because the writing is lifting it all up to the Lord in prayer. 
  Writing about it, thinking about it rewires the brain. It's like switching on the safety of a loaded gun.
 
  And God whispers His truth into my mind and heart.
   I've had a few people lately who, in their own brokenness, have subtly and not so subtly tried to get me to supress fundamental aspects of my identity. It makes them uncomfortable because of their own life experiences. I've had others who feel it is their place to "push" me into doing something I don't want to at this point in my life. Both of these situations are centred around my creativity, the artistic expression that is as much a part of my life as breathing. (Thank You, Lord, for the creative spirit You so generously blessed me with!)
  I don't want to be in someone else's box. I don't belong there. It isn't who I am.
  And there is the trigger that fed into and ignited yesterday's avalanche of memories. There is the twisted lesson so often drilled home. "You are not allowed to be who you are. You have to be and act according to how I say.. If you do not, then you will be punished or abandoned."
  Ha, I ended up "abandoned" anyways when my ex stepped out of the marriage. Praise God! That selfish act set me free and opened my heart to Christ.
  Okay. I am much better now. The memories stirred up yesterday have lost their sting.
  Lord, I need Your help in standing secure in the knowledge of my identity in You and the path You have laid out for my life. Grant me the words of love for others when they try and convince me that it isn't who or where I should be. In Jesus' name I pray.
  "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil." Eph 6:10-11