Matters of the Heart by Susan L.

  My brain is whirling this morning. Relationships, the joys of solitude vs. the threads of loneliness, work, teaching painting, concerns about this cough that is determined to hang on, my church's growing pains as we choose a new direction, and thoughts about the book of Revelation (from Bible study group) are all bubbling up at once.
  And I had a bit of a cry yesterday. When God uses someone to speak a truth into your life, it's hard not to. And I know it's a truth when a cascade of un-Godly beliefs falls away. It's a truth when something I didn't know was missing was placed within my heart. It's a truth when the tears are tears of joy and fresh understanding. It's a truth when it forces me to review my take on things, to set aside my fears and live even more for God.
  It's all about relationships. It's about being filled with love by being connected to its Source. It's about letting that love overflow in trust.
  That's where I have struggled terribly. A heart of God isn't meant to be guarded. Discerning, yes. Isolated, no. Fearful, no. The Lord knows just how fearful I am of relationships, of getting close to someone. I have even held back from my own family "just in case". I knew it was happening and the disconnect has grieved me.
  Losses, abuse, abandonment, divorce, and the keen edge of betrayal have built up mountainous walls around my heart block by block, stone by stone.
  It's time to bring them down. Forgive me, Lord, for trying to protect myself. Forgive me for believing I had to.
  God's heart doesn't hold back. Mine wasn't meant to, either.
  "When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, "Whoever desired to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it."" Mk 8:34-35