Heart Thoughts by Susan L.

I struggle terribly with making decisions. Second guessing is second nature. It doesn't take much for me to spiral into a mass of shame, confusion and doubt. For such a long time my decisions were wrong simply out of principle. There were punishing consequences when I dared to make a decision on my own no matter how trivial. The silent treatment was the worst. Being subjected to unadulterated rage was a close second. I never knew what was coming. The subtly drilled in idea that I was incredibly stupid grew in this fertile environment. (I'm not!) It's hard for me to swallow when well meaning people question my decisions based on their understandings of the situation. Their "encouragement" to either set aside or go against my personal choices corrodes my struggling self confidence. I need to ask myself why does it matter so incredibly much? Their opinions I mean. Why does it hurt so much to be questioned? I need to claim this: I know what I need to do in order to stay well. I know what I can't do at this time in my life in order to stay well. I know these things are fluid and ever changing. What may be necessary now might be a trivial matter tomorrow. I'll leave the door open. May God's will be done. "Jesus said to him, "Rise, take up your bed and walk." Jon 5:9