Saturday, 11 February 2017

Anxious Days by Susan L.

  It's a struggle, having an anxiety disorder. Jesus' words about casting cares, trust in God, be anxious for nothing ring in my ears. Here's the catch. I don't worry. I don't stew over paying bills. I don't fret about how much money is in the bank. I am definitely not caught up in consumerism, the "need to have stuff". There is always enough to eat in the cupboard. I don't even get worked up about playing on the worship team any more which was more of an insecurity than a worry.
  Okay, maybe that's not a hundred percent true. I was a bit worried when we had a small ice storm last Tuesday in case the power went out. It didn't last, the worry I mean, because I am now prepared for that possibility. Mentally running through the steps of setting up the generator was a proactive way of lessening the concerns. A brief prayer that the Lord would wake me if I was asleep when the power failed eased my mind. It's something He's done before. He's also filled me with urgency to go home NOW if I was out. Anyways, the power stayed on and the coating of ice had melted by morning.
  I thought about having to head out to the grocery store this morning. It was only a random, brief thought but a wave of adrenaline washed over me. It's like the red alert sirens on Star Trek going off. The logical, cognitive part of my head knows I am more than capable. My heart knows there is nothing to fear in this simple task. It's the primitive part of my brain that's running on hyper alert.
  It has been for several weeks now.
  It's affecting my sleep. The tangle of bedding in the morning is proof that the nights have been filled with disquieting images and nightmares. There's none of that gentle slide into waking up for me. One moment I am asleep, the next fully alert as the last unsettling dream quickly fades.
  I try and ignore the anxiety and for the most part it's possible. Mostly I've been plodding on despite what my body is telling me.
  Have you ever drunk too much caffeinated coffee and it's left you jittery and tense? Or felt a sugar rush? That's what it's like all the time.
  It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.
  Lord, I lift this post up to You. Thank You that You have sustained me. In and through You, much has been overcome. For that I am grateful. Still, I hunger for peace, for rest and contentment. Heal my body and brain of the short circuits that generate my anxiety. Help me find patience and ease my frustrations and yes, the worry about the anxiety taking over my entire life. Help me not be afraid of having panic attacks. In Jesus' name I pray.
  "O God, You are my God; Early will I seek You; My soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water." Ps 63:1

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