Saturday, 28 March 2015

Anticipation by Susan L.

  I shared during prayer request time at my Bible study group that I felt that something wonderful and exciting was looming on the horizon. There's been a sense of anticipation in my heart but I have no idea what it is about. Or maybe I do...more on that later.
  So here's the question. Is this how most people feel every day? That may sound like a strange question but having a sense of the future is foreign to me. Depression is good at snuffing out anything beyond the moment. Not that I've been depressed, meds and therapy have done wonders. I have had glimpses of what may be since I began my recovery journey but for the most part am reluctant to dwell on those hopes.
  Fear is a huge part of that. The carpet has been pulled out from under my feet so many times...hope has been dashed as the fight for survival has taken everything I've got and more. Thank You, Lord, for Your sufficiency. Even talking about a future stirs up unease and a dash of anxiety.
  Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. The fact that I can hear whispers of what may be is cause for celebration. It's a sign of wellness!
  Which leads me back to this sense of something new coming.
  It's about the music.
  I've been playing the piano for hours at a stretch lately. The more I've played, the more I am able to acknowledge I'm getting pretty good. Not to sound boastful, there's been hours of practice to hone this ability. My playing is a hybrid between organist and pianist. It's different. Unique. A special gift from God. (And Mom, who drove me countless times to my lessons.)
  Here's the thing. As I've sat playing in what has become my own private worship time, there's been a building internal pressure urging me to join the worship team at church. It's the same Voice that led me to join the church in the first place. That Voice is pretty loud right now.
  This is waaaay outside my comfort zone.
  "Will the way I play fit? Will it work? Will I be good enough?" the insecure child in me asks.
 And God says, "This is a getting-out-of-the-boat exercise in faith. Trust Me."
 What else can I say but okay? I'll speak to the team leader on Sunday despite the knots in my belly.
  "Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name." Ps 64:3-4
 

4 comments:

  1. Susan you are so gifted, and you work at your gifts, polishing them and practicing to hone them. But a gift is to be given. I can't wait to be part of the world that has your gifts unwrapped in it! :)

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    1. Belinda, you are such a wonderful encourager! I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

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  2. The Lord will bless your willingness to share what He has given you. Pray about it.

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    1. Nothing may come of my offer to join the worship team. I think all I am being asked to do is speak up. I'll leave the rest in the Lord's hands and see what happens with an open mind and heart.

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