We had a staff meeting yesterday at my co-workers home. She lives in a house where I used to do housekeeping for the elderly couple that lived there. It's a lovely, old, stone farmhouse that sits on a hill overlooking a valley. The farm I lived at is tucked in at the bottom and can be seen from the back windows.
It was strange being back there although the stone house has undergone extensive renovations over the last decade that have turned it into a beautiful home. It's nothing like I remember.
Looking at my old home stirred up a mountain of memories. Some were funny and delightful experiences but mostly it was sadness that reached into my heart.
Abuse doesn't necessarily mean physical assault. There are other insidious was to gain control, to abuse. Isolation, having no money, the silent treatment, rage, blame, not being allowed to speak...it's all about power. I did a good job of fooling myself and everyone else that everything was wonderful.
I was swept up in a hopeless battle believing that if I did more, if I tried harder, then my ex would be happy. That was my purpose. It was the role I'd been carefully groomed to assume from the get go. Yet, in reality and with the ability to look back, I had been spiraling ever downwards into a deep depression. I truly think having the animals to tend to is all that kept me going, all that forced me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I hope my children can forgive me. I was running on empty.
For a long time, part of me still believed it was my duty to respect him, to justify his behaviors, but most of all to never criticize or advise him. The pedestal he was on was pretty high. It took some time to tear it down.
Yes, there were good times, too. I've shared some of my farming experiences on the blog and utilized those to write other stories as well.
The view from the hill was bittersweet but it was seasoned with the deepest gratitude that the Lord reached in and saved me from myself.
I won't be able to give chapter and verse today. I got called into work and have no Bible with me.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son."
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The Robes
"Coming up behind Jesus, she (the woman who had bled for 12 years) touched the fringe of His robe." Luke 9:44 And she was heal...
I lived in a home with a depressed mother. One who ended up in a mental institute. One who repeatedly tried to kill herself. One who destroy things, lashing out. One who beat me as the oldest, taking our her frustration. Believe me, I have many hurts and resentments. Although my mother has little memory of the years this happened, shock treatment does that, an apology would have and still would go a long ways. It is funny, although I am an adult an can understand the situation from the view of an adult, the hurts were done to me as a child and that part of me screams still. I don't know what I'd do without the Lord!!
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that came to mind after I read what you so bravely shared is, "Love, it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong."
DeleteI pray you find peace in Jesus' most precious name.