Sunday, 4 August 2013
Being Pushed by Susan L.
There was a significant, milestone birthday party for my mom yesterday. She had asked for no gifts. I made a card with a little watercolour painting on it instead of buying one for her. She was delighted. It brings me great joy to see what I do bring joy to someone else. However, there's usually someone who tells me, "You could sell this! Why aren't you selling your art or putting on a show? I'd love to see more because I could sell it for you!" There are good intentions behind these "encouraging words" but at the same time,it causes my performance anxiety to explode. There is an underlying message that what I am doing isn't enough; that I need to do more. Most, if not all, of the art produced during my recovery journey is deeply personal, not something to sell. There is an underlying expectation I have copious amounts of paintings just waiting for a buyer. Part of my resentment/rebellion is because for so many years I people pleased. Comments like that also subtly undermine my right for self determination. I've worked hard to be as well as I am. I don't need pushing. When and if I am to sell art as a way of improving my financial situation, I'll jump right in. It has to be God's will. Not mine. Amen! "And truly, the Son of Man goes as it has been determined." Lk 22:22