There are Happily Ever Afters

    “So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true.” Ephesians 5:8-9

  The Light always wins. When we allow Him to do what He does.

  The Light will erase the shadows that haunt us.

  The Light will shine truth into the places where lies hide, exposing them, shattering their strongholds.

  The Light will overcome the children of hate: ignorance, suspicion and prejudice.

  The Light will brighten our hearts so we may forgive: a letting go of the need for vengeance or revenge.

  The Light will place gratitude deep in our soul, our greatest weapon against the things that are bad and wrong and full of lies.

  When we feel alone, the Light is our companion.

  When we feel abandoned, the Light embraces us.

  When we feel unloved, the ever present Light wraps us in tender care.

  When we reach the end of ourselves, something we do time and again because of our silly, human need to control, to fix, to atone, He is willing to start at the beginning once more.

 

  The Light is a patient companion.

  He is Holy and unalterable.

   

  I had typed in, “Karma is not of Him” beneath the first stanza of this writing. It didn’t fit there. It fits here. Karma is the antitheses of the Light. It is about payback, about seeing someone suffer for their sins.  It’s about believing we have to suffer because of our own! That’s not to say there aren’t any consequences for our choices. There are except karma leaves no room for grace to move in and rectify or redeem the consequences.

  I am thankful I don’t believe in karma.

 

  The Light, the Holy Spirit of God, always wins. When we allow Him to do what He does.

  A willing heart is the first step.

  This morning, as I sit and watch more snow fall, I am thankful for the beautiful view and the way the snow changes from minute to minute. I am thankful the sorrows of the last several weeks have finally vacated the premises because truth has moved in.

  I, we, you and me, are a blessing no matter our stories or perhaps because of them.
  This is the truth I realized yesterday. Yesterday, God kept pouring His truth into my heart. It is overflowing, washing away the last haunting vestiges of dark memories. Truth is drowning a stronghold once held by the lie, the common thread relived through the flashbacks and even the teachings about marriage. It is the belief that "I have no value."

  It is gone. I pray, Lord, forever.

  

  With all my heart and all my soul I thank You, Jesus, for what You did on the cross.

Light of the World

  “For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light.” Ephesians 5:8

  The view out the kitchen window this morning is of new fallen snow that twinkles like a million stars have fallen to the earth. The pristine blanket is striped with lavender blue gray shadows, mimicking the barren trees standing between the snow and the sun. There are a few blindingly white flecks of lightness in the shadows. I had never noticed this before on similar days. They must be reflecting the sunlight from a fellow snowflake that rests in the brightness of the day.

 

  Light in the shadows: gratitude. I am thankful the dark memories are slowly losing their grip. What once would have taken months to work through, to process, now happens in a matter of days. Tough days, but days nonetheless. It’s a testimony to the healing power of grace. Although, sometimes, in the midst of these days, it doesn’t feel like it will ever resolve. And even though I said a couple of days ago I was out the other side, the struggles have continued.

  Light: patience wrapped in hope.

  Light: filling my home with worship music. Listening, playing, singing. Struggling days are the days I compose the best note poems on the piano.  Somber, haunting tunes usually finish with joyous, laughing music. With it, my soul begins to rise above its sorrow. It's a good place to lay out my anger before the Lord. No one gets hurt that way.

  Light: lots and lots of conversations with the Lord. They may not be fully verbalized but I find myself reaching for His comforting presence, His insight and His wisdom. The music helps when I can’t find the words. So does the art.

  Light: my teddy bear is a key component to riding out a storm. He reminds me I am a child of God. I wrap my arms around him then curl up at the feet of Jesus. His presence is my comfort.

  Light: friends to come alongside.  I was able to share with my home church how difficult this series on husbands and wives has been. In the sharing, the load was lightened. And they spoke life words into my soul, how I’ve grown and changed. I was able to thank the men in the group for showing me there are good and Godly men in this world.

  Light: speaking life words over others. Serving them. Infusing them with hope as they wrestle with their own shadows.

  Light: knowing that God is in all of this and much more.

  All means everything.

Out the Other Side (Yay!!!)

  “A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.” Ephesians 6:10-11

  I went to bed early last night, wearied by the challenges of the last several days. My last thought was to pray that the Lord would give me something to smile about. He did.

  Around three thirty this morning I awoke with this question. Did knights in shining armor ever get struck by lightning?

  What? Where did that come from? But boy, I couldn’t help but smile because my imagination exploded.

  I envisioned an entire battle where rumbling, distant clouds sends all the brave and noble knights rushing off the battlefield; utterly forgetting about the war that brought them there in the first place. Their squires are scurrying to pick up the metal pieces as the knights toss them away as fast and as far as they could.

  Maybe there are golf players out there who could relate. (Smile.)

  Then there was a lone, cartoonish knight being struck repeatedly by bolts from the sky. He did a stilted jig every time they struck like something right out of an old Road Runner cartoon. All that was missing was him holding a printed, wooden sign, “Ouch!”

  I wasn’t awake very long and fell back asleep, a silly grin on my face, with the hope I wouldn’t forget these thoughts. God honoured that brief prayer, too. I haven’t.

  This passage in Ephesians is right beside the one about husbands and wives. It’s also where my exploration of God’s Word began. There was no time for the love passages, neither was I in the place to receive them. I needed to know how to fight, to survive, to protect my baby faith in an un-Godly household. It is no coincidence that these empowering words have book-ended a fifteen year journey, seeing as the last few days have taken me back to where it all began.

  In thinking about it this morning, the main reason for last night’s smile was because what I imagined was about grace.

  I can be awfully hard on myself at times especially when lightning, in the form of flashbacks, strikes.

  You see, I have always believed the nightmarish, lightening fast flashbacks still existed because I had not fully forgiven. (That’s me, chucking off my armor.) 

  But that’s not it at all! They are manifestations of memories wrapped in intense emotion. Many have emotional connections, a similar feeling about them, which is why when one begins, more are bound to follow. Memory works like that.

  Have you ever talked about the “good ole days” with an old time friend? One memory stirs another.

  To put it another way, stirred by one flashback, emotions become a very powerful search engine (albeit one I wish I could sometimes shut off when it gets going.)

  It’s a physical thing. It’s how the brain works. It’s why we can make connections. It’s the source of intuition. It’s how God made us. And I am okay with that.

  Thank, You, Lord, for being my Squire, my Helper, my Strength and my Peace. (And there is peace at last.) AMEN!

Learning To Live With It

  “For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:22

  I don’t feel much like writing this morning. It happens. Part of it is because my head is all over the map. Ugly flashes of memory are juxtaposed over worship lyrics and thoughts of Jesus. Back and forth.  I would be more than happy to have the ugly half vanish.

   I know it’s been a bit over fifteen years since the chains of marital oppression were broken and I fell into the arms of Jesus. (Thank You for being there, my Lord.) You’d think I would be beyond this but in all honesty, I wasn’t ready to delve deeper before now.  Forgive me, Lord, for being ashamed of this and for running away. There has been much thinking away from the writing which has created some headway towards peace. 

  My marriage was not a Godly one. Neither my ex nor I were followers of Jesus. To hold either of us up to His way is neither fair nor right because that’s judging. It's a brutally punishing way to plaster guilt, shame and blame everywhere. It only feeds hate.

  That’s not to say I didn’t believe in God back then, my issue was with the church no matter the religion. But unsupported faith is a dangerous thing. It’s why God’s Word was able to be taken out of context then used as a weapon of oppression. The Lord was entirely removed…”submit to your husband” was the law of the land. No mention was ever made about the husband’s role.

  There were consequences if I dared disobey or dared question his behaviour or choices or anything for that matter. Not that I had much fight in me anyways. I think that’s part of why he chose me. He knew he could exert control over me.

  I say this with neither bitterness nor anger. It is simply the way it was.

    I wasn’t perfect by any means…I was good at keeping secrets. Another of the rules. “Never talk about your spouse to anyone.” To do so was an act of disrespect. Maybe if I had I would have been…No. Wishful thinking and putting hindsight on a situation serves no purpose. Besides, I had no trusted friend to confide in even if I could. I had a hard time trusting anyone anyways. His control simply pushed me farther away from others. (No anger here; just the facts.)

  I also ran from actually thinking about everything that was decidedly wrong about the whole situation.  He had an addiction to alcohol. I had video games. I knew I was desperately unhappy but believed if I only tried harder…Things would be better.

  Sigh.

  I did the best that I could with the tools I had at the time. There weren’t too many and those few were broken.

  Thank You, Lord, the hate towards him has gone from my heart. In its place is a deep sorrow for the toll those twenty years had on my life, for the need for medications that ease the symptoms of PTSD. I feel sad for the woman who often wondered how things had got so bad. But mostly for the woman who believed a double standard was okay because of his manly “rights” as husband.

  So maybe the reason I am sharing this is to create awareness. Abuse doesn’t always involve physical harm. It also doesn’t happen overnight.

  There term grooming comes to mind. Little punishments, like for something as mundane as not buying the right brand of honey, slowly multiply. The point is to not drive away the abused by going too far too fast.

  Kindness or affection becomes a weapon, too, by being withheld or by making random appearances to atone for the cruel words of yesterday.

  There’s more to it than this. Please, check it out online because I want to reach out to any woman, or man for that matter, who may be trapped by the cycle of abuse. You are not alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of either. I say again, abuse does not have to be physical.

  For someone who didn’t feel much like writing, it seems I had a lot to say. (Smile.)

  To end, I realize there is so much to be thankful for. I know much better now because the pure love of Jesus is showing me the way of love and relationships. We cannot do it on our own. Ever.

HATE is a four letter word.

  “Be just and fair to all. Do what is right and good, for I am coming soon to rescue you and to display my righteousness among you.” Isaiah 56:1

  It's a day to step back from what our church is teaching, “Her Story, Jesus, Women and the Church.” It is a good teaching and has enabled me to find a change of heart regarding men. They can bring good things into my life if I let them. (A small smile.) The blanketing, prejudicial judgments have been swept away; a very good thing.

   It has, unfortunately, also stirred up a wasps’ nest of very vivid, very unpleasant memories. The series isn’t entirely to blame for where I am at this morning.

  I watched a movie, “Boy Erased” at work a couple of days ago. It was an outing to the local theatre where they played the movie of our choice just for us. The back cover blurb on the DVD depicted a coming of age story for a young gay man, the son of Baptist pastor…It was not. It was two hours of ugly but, as the only staff present, I could not leave. Even when I fled to the relative safety of the theatre lobby, I could still hear it. I am haunted by what I saw and heard.

  Oh, Lord, this true story of what happens when Christians don’t get it right was brutal, violent, and full of hate; where conversion therapy is used to shame and oppress. It is no different than the harm done to our Aboriginal people through the Catholic/Government Residential Schools. Only the characters and religion have changed.

  

  A young man who had been physically beaten with a Bible as part of the “cure” died by suicide.

   Conversion therapy as a way to “cure” homosexuality is still being used.

  As for my own attitudes towards homosexuality, as a follower of Jesus, I have no right to cast the first stone. None of us do. I have no right to condemn those who don’t know Him or even those who have missed the point of Jesus' work on the Cross.

  Perfection is God’s work. His perfection and perfecting way is perfect.

   I have no right to deny anyone the love of God. My work is to come along side to encourage, love…to be just and fair to all. 

  All means everyone.

  I am, when all is said and done, a sinner who earnestly desires that prayer, spoken words of love, replace condemnation and fear. 

   And at the moment feeling rather confused because, Lord, how and where does accountability fit into this? If we are surrounded by people who believe as we do, how do we know when we get it wrong? Which, as history and current events reveal, we do very well and frequently.

  May God have mercy on us. Guide those of us who stray from Your heart, Your way, into truth.

  (I had written the following paragraphs before going back and adding about the movie.)

  Tomorrow’s lesson will be teaching about husbands, wives and the profound mystery.

  Sigh. I am not sure I am either ready or able to hear it. Yet, sometimes the medicine that makes us feel better comes with an awful taste. So while there is dread, and a valid concern for how vulnerable I am already thanks to the uninvited flashbacks, there is also a willingness to face what will come of it. 

  Through Jesus, the joy will come. He has proven it will be so time and again.

  Sometimes the tears have to fall like rain first. The movie has opened the floodgates already to a grief and sorrow that is far deeper than my own. It is for those who feel they are justified to do harm, to oppress and to hate, believers and non-believers alike. It is for those who don't know there is a better way.

  I want to be just and fair because hate is ugly. All it does is sicken the soul and drive others away from God. Only…this isn’t something I can do on my own...

  It might be good to end with a 911 call…Psalm 91:1 (Thanks to the friend who brought this idea to my attention!)

  “Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”

  All these things I pray in Jesus' most precious name. AMEN!

Maybe, Just Maybe

    “Your young men will see visions, and your old men will dream dreams.” Acts 2:17

  More of Joel's prophesy Peter quoted to the gathered crowd at Pentecost.

  What struck me deeply about this particular passage is the gift for old men. And since Jesus brought into being an egalitarian faith, it’s for old women as well.

  I’ve been thinking about being at the end of a life lived fully. When family is grown, when the body fails, when purpose falls by the wayside, this is a gift that restores the hopes of youth, of a time when the world was fresh and new and ripe with possibility; when anyone over thirty was considered ancient. (Smile. We’re not.)

  I have to ponder on what sort of dreams would bless the old…seeing as I am not there yet, I wouldn’t even know where to start! (A big smile.)

  I have to acknowledge and give thanks for the dreams where I sat in Jesus' presence and was comforted, especially during the darkest days, the lost days, on the Black River.

  Maybe God dreams aren’t earth shattering revelations. Maybe we need to let go of the idea that prophesy is limited to big ticket items. I feel this is placing yet another cultural expectation on how God works.

  Maybe dreams are the one place where we are free to listen, where we are free of worldly constructs around our Lord and His ways. In our dreams, we can fly!

  In Christ, we can do all things!

PS  I use the word “maybe” a lot simply because there is much I don’t know. Yet, every time it finds itself flowing from my fingertips, it is meant as a prayer: for understanding, clarity and wisdom.

 

Prophesy

  “In the last days,” God says, “I will pour out my spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy.” Acts 2:17

   Peter quoted the prophet Joel on this day of Pentecost when the Holy Spirit was given to all who believe.

  I learned something very important last night. We had our home church yesterday because the weather is supposed to turn nasty tonight. We haven’t met since before I went away because of it!

  I had always thought that prophesy was like fortune telling (for want of a better comparison). That prophesying was only about the future; divinely inspired statements of what lay ahead. In true God fashion, He has gifted all of us, men and women alike, with something that is far more.

  The terms forth-telling and foretelling were shared. Foretelling is related to what will come. It is a part of prophesy. Forth-telling is Godly words about what is. Forth-telling is when truths are spoken over a person or even a place.

  (Oh, Lord, forgive me for speaking my own “truth”, not Yours.)

  There’s a building south west of here, sort of in the middle of nowhere. It has seen business after business set up shop then fail in a matter of months. Every time we drove past, someone in the car would inevitably point this out.

  “Nothing ever succeeds there. Why would they even think it was a good location? Man, that’s an ugly building!”

   There was a feeling of dejection and abandonment and darkness, like a shadow, over the whole area. Then God revealed that a good number of people were saying the same thing about the place every single day. It is a busy road.

  All of us together, believer and non-believer alike, had laid the foundation for failure by the words we spoke, by prophesying poisonous words. (The devil is more than happy to oblige.)

  From then on, whenever I passed, I began praying the business would succeed. Mostly, the prayers were for the people involved, that they would learn how to protect themselves from the onslaught of curses through the love and power of Jesus Christ.

  I don’t go that way very often any more so there’s no way of knowing if there was a happy ending for the place. Was one voice, speaking life and love, enough to eradicate years of hateful words?

  And I am feeling convicted by this tale for the number of times un-Godly words have passed over my lips; those times when criticisms, judgments and negativity have carelessly poured out. Can I take them back? Can I place them at the foot of the cross? Will You forgive me?

  Thank You, Lord, for Your grace and patience and kindness. Thank You for bringing me into an even greater awareness of just how necessary it is to watch my language. Now I understand what an incredible gift You have entrusted us with.

  I realize too, that forth-telling and foretelling are intricately intertwined with each other. That one cannot exist without the other. And it is a powerful team.

PS. I also believe that honestly sharing our struggles and feelings with the Lord or a trusted counselor is part of the healing process; an unraveling of lies that makes way for truth.