Yesterday was spent with my folks, having a lovely visit and enjoying their air conditioning.
When I had DNA testing done to find out my heritage, I'd talked to the only mom I've ever known about what she knew regarding my birth. She told me she still had the adoption papers and would gladly give them to me.
She gave me an envelope yesterday with a kindergarden report card, a few from high school, highland dancing certificates, my baptism and confirmation certificates. There were a ton of memories released.
Lastly was the original adoption paper. On it is the name I was born under. There's a cauldron of emotion swirling around as a result. There's also the big question about whether or not I want to take it further and actually find the woman who brought me into this world. It's a scary thought. The "what if's" are stampeding.
Lord, I have no idea why this seems to be so important for me. It's not that I don't love my parents, I truly do. The last thing I want is for this quest of mine to hurt them.
Maybe it's because there seems to be a desperate need for answers...
I've been struggling lately with coming to terms with the mental health issues I face every day. It's a cyclical thing that bubbles up every once in a while until, once again, I make peace with it. The med mistake I made earlier this year gave me a glimpse into a life without them. It left me shocked and rather sad.
That's part of this. I know genetics play a role. I wonder if there's other family members who struggle.
It's about feeling alone. Simply knowing I've a couple hundred or so living relatives because of a service provided by the DNA testing company, has helped a lot in that regard. Yet, I wonder why the heritage I was adopted into seems, somehow, to be less than mine...
Lots of deep thinks. Lots of prayer.
Right now, I think I need to go for a hike.
"Shepherd Your people with Your staff, the flock of Your heritage." Mic 7:14
Sunday, 7 August 2016
Saturday, 6 August 2016
Icebergs by Susan L.
A neat analogy was shared during a conversation yesterday as part of a dialog on judgement. How, in looking at how people live or behave or their choices and offering any comment about those things, it's judgement. The analogy was that our lives and other people's lives are like icebergs. Only a fraction of what we see is above the water, the rest is hidden from sight. Who are we to judge based on the one third that we see?
I struggle with judgement all the time. It's a slippery devil.
Although, when someone commented when Christians pray for strangers (the example was a turbaned man), we are judging them because they aren't Christians. Hmmm, I've had to think about that a bit. It sort of rocked my world and required clarifying my concept of what we, as Christians, are called to do.
Thank You, Lord, for showing me that those prayers are love offerings. Care must be taken that it isn't because we condemn another's life but truly and simply want them to know our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Then judgement isn't part of the picture anymore.
I frequently hear of damage and hurt and pain caused by Christians. It breaks my heart just how cruel we can be when the Bible is used as a weapon of judgement instead of a "How To" guide to life.
Judgement is easier than looking in the mirror. A path of grace, compassion, forgiveness, and love is hard. It isn't meant to be easy otherwise we could do it all by ourselves and would have no need for Jesus in our life.
I pray that the bottom two thirds of my iceberg contains more of Christ.
"And Jesus, answering them, began to say, "Take heed that no one deceives you."" Mk 13:5
I struggle with judgement all the time. It's a slippery devil.
Although, when someone commented when Christians pray for strangers (the example was a turbaned man), we are judging them because they aren't Christians. Hmmm, I've had to think about that a bit. It sort of rocked my world and required clarifying my concept of what we, as Christians, are called to do.
Thank You, Lord, for showing me that those prayers are love offerings. Care must be taken that it isn't because we condemn another's life but truly and simply want them to know our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Then judgement isn't part of the picture anymore.
I frequently hear of damage and hurt and pain caused by Christians. It breaks my heart just how cruel we can be when the Bible is used as a weapon of judgement instead of a "How To" guide to life.
Judgement is easier than looking in the mirror. A path of grace, compassion, forgiveness, and love is hard. It isn't meant to be easy otherwise we could do it all by ourselves and would have no need for Jesus in our life.
I pray that the bottom two thirds of my iceberg contains more of Christ.
"And Jesus, answering them, began to say, "Take heed that no one deceives you."" Mk 13:5
Friday, 5 August 2016
Lessons in Art by Susan L.
I didn't go for a walk last night. It was our last art therapy group until mid-September. The woman who runs it is waiting to start again after I get back from down east. Bless her heart!
There was a show on TVO last night about the Group of Seven. This group of artists changed the face of Canadian painting. (It can be streamed online.)
I'd seen it before but that was before I'd been up to Algonquin park. It was only after being there that I truly understood why the group loved painting in the north. Not only is it beautiful but there's a softness to the light. I've always loved the fact that most of their paintings have an abstract flavour. They were simply trying to put the illusive light on canvas.
I learned a lot that I'd missed last time.
While doing my watercolours in Grundy, I felt pressured because I believed it was necessary to put exactly what I saw on paper. In an interview, one of the artists was talking about the need to pull key elements out of any landscape so the artist is actually capturing the essence of a landscape not the actual view. I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I've never had patience to do anything remotely like the high realism often favoured by wildlife painters. It left me feeling my own artistic ventures were less than ideal
It's helped me look at my own work from a different perspective. The little watercolour sketches I did in Grundy do capture the essence of the landscape without getting bogged down in the details.
Although, I would have liked to put the silver wakes of the water beetles in the moon scene but it would have to be painted in acrylics to accomplish that.
(Note to self: when painting in Nova Scotia, be sure to tape the paper onto the board so the edges are square. :D)
It feels as though a whole new world has opened up. I like that!
"For we dare not classify ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. We, however, will not boast beyond measure, but within the limits of the sphere which God appointed us--a sphere which is especially intended for you." 2 Cor 10:12-13
There was a show on TVO last night about the Group of Seven. This group of artists changed the face of Canadian painting. (It can be streamed online.)
I'd seen it before but that was before I'd been up to Algonquin park. It was only after being there that I truly understood why the group loved painting in the north. Not only is it beautiful but there's a softness to the light. I've always loved the fact that most of their paintings have an abstract flavour. They were simply trying to put the illusive light on canvas.I learned a lot that I'd missed last time.
While doing my watercolours in Grundy, I felt pressured because I believed it was necessary to put exactly what I saw on paper. In an interview, one of the artists was talking about the need to pull key elements out of any landscape so the artist is actually capturing the essence of a landscape not the actual view. I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I've never had patience to do anything remotely like the high realism often favoured by wildlife painters. It left me feeling my own artistic ventures were less than ideal
It's helped me look at my own work from a different perspective. The little watercolour sketches I did in Grundy do capture the essence of the landscape without getting bogged down in the details. Although, I would have liked to put the silver wakes of the water beetles in the moon scene but it would have to be painted in acrylics to accomplish that.
(Note to self: when painting in Nova Scotia, be sure to tape the paper onto the board so the edges are square. :D)
It feels as though a whole new world has opened up. I like that!
"For we dare not classify ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. We, however, will not boast beyond measure, but within the limits of the sphere which God appointed us--a sphere which is especially intended for you." 2 Cor 10:12-13
Wednesday, 3 August 2016
Rambling by Susan L.
I ended up having a lovely day yesterday. Rather spontaneously, I had a friend over. We threw together a wonderful dinner of chicken, a couple of salads and ended with fresh fruit and ice cream. The conversation flowed. We had some laughs, shared some tears, then went for a meandering amble through the park.
As we were strolling leisurely through the campground area, she spotted a teeny tiny baby snake that was probably fresh out of the egg. To us, the pavement looked smooth but watching it weave around the protruding lumps of tarmac and stone made me realize, on a macro level, it sure wasn't smooth!
It's all about perspective.
Hmmm. There's a lesson in there somewhere.
I guess from God's view, our paths are smooth but for those of us in the thick of it, it sometimes seems lumpy, bumpy, and full of obstructions. Snake philosophy 101.
And that's it for today. I've an early start for a staff training day. We're having a guest speaker come in and do a Safe Talk lecture, the precursor to Suicide Prevention.
"I will praise the Lord according to His righteousness, and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High." Ps 7:17
As we were strolling leisurely through the campground area, she spotted a teeny tiny baby snake that was probably fresh out of the egg. To us, the pavement looked smooth but watching it weave around the protruding lumps of tarmac and stone made me realize, on a macro level, it sure wasn't smooth!
It's all about perspective.
Hmmm. There's a lesson in there somewhere.
I guess from God's view, our paths are smooth but for those of us in the thick of it, it sometimes seems lumpy, bumpy, and full of obstructions. Snake philosophy 101.
And that's it for today. I've an early start for a staff training day. We're having a guest speaker come in and do a Safe Talk lecture, the precursor to Suicide Prevention.
"I will praise the Lord according to His righteousness, and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High." Ps 7:17
Tuesday, 2 August 2016
Deep Thinks by Susan L.
I'm just going to let my brain cruise the Black River for a bit. There's some unhealthy ideas sailing around the ole gray matter. They can be called unGodly beliefs or "Stinking thinking". Really they are simply lies that have cemented themselves into my subconscious and have a way of corrupting my world view. So much so, they affect my behaviour and influence choices.
This isn't going to be easy.
The first concept that pops into my head is that people can't be trusted. Okay. Perhaps that has been historically accurate. But there's a promise in there, "No one will ever get close enough to hurt me ever again." The promise is based on a judgement that people in general are not trustworthy. Really, that's neither fair nor true. It's a case of bad apples spoiling the lot. (Lord, help me find a deeper forgiveness for those who have betrayed me.)
Letting go of distrust, suspicion and downright fear is going to take a whole whack of God. It also means placing my trust in Him that He will place people into my life worthy of trust. My role is to be vulnerable and with the Holy Spirit's help, be discerning. The discerning part is terribly important! Yet, even in that, I have been relying on my own broken intuition, not God's guidance. (Forgive me, Abba.)
Whenever I am in a group, I can literally feel the guard go up. The watching, the waiting, the sitting in a corner with my face to the door for safety. I can't pray in a group with my eyes closed. These are behaviours that can be changed. (Maybe I could close one eye to start.) Changed behaviour creates a changed mind. "Fake it 'til you make it!"
It's also lonely being in this place. Making new friends while there's a war going on is hard. Common sense is fighting against the razor sharp, instinctual responses of watch, be careful, be prepared.
Okay, "Be Prepared" is the motto of the Girl Guides, something that was a huge part of my life for many years. I am old enough to ask, "Be prepared for what?"
Covering all the bases is exhausting! Funny that the idea of being prepared for a good time simply isn't there but heads straight for the natural disaster, the worst case scenario. Talk about a Chicken Little existence!
It's an existence isn't it?
Perhaps I am ready for life...
Lord, I lift this up to You. Help me forgive not only others but myself as well. Help me change and grow. Help me walk a life in the safety and security of Your love. Help me receive that love and embrace all that it means. Without it, my life is sand.
"I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge and discretion. The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverse mouth I hate. Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom; I am understanding, I have strength." Prov 8:12-14
This isn't going to be easy.
The first concept that pops into my head is that people can't be trusted. Okay. Perhaps that has been historically accurate. But there's a promise in there, "No one will ever get close enough to hurt me ever again." The promise is based on a judgement that people in general are not trustworthy. Really, that's neither fair nor true. It's a case of bad apples spoiling the lot. (Lord, help me find a deeper forgiveness for those who have betrayed me.)
Letting go of distrust, suspicion and downright fear is going to take a whole whack of God. It also means placing my trust in Him that He will place people into my life worthy of trust. My role is to be vulnerable and with the Holy Spirit's help, be discerning. The discerning part is terribly important! Yet, even in that, I have been relying on my own broken intuition, not God's guidance. (Forgive me, Abba.)
Whenever I am in a group, I can literally feel the guard go up. The watching, the waiting, the sitting in a corner with my face to the door for safety. I can't pray in a group with my eyes closed. These are behaviours that can be changed. (Maybe I could close one eye to start.) Changed behaviour creates a changed mind. "Fake it 'til you make it!"
It's also lonely being in this place. Making new friends while there's a war going on is hard. Common sense is fighting against the razor sharp, instinctual responses of watch, be careful, be prepared.
Okay, "Be Prepared" is the motto of the Girl Guides, something that was a huge part of my life for many years. I am old enough to ask, "Be prepared for what?"
Covering all the bases is exhausting! Funny that the idea of being prepared for a good time simply isn't there but heads straight for the natural disaster, the worst case scenario. Talk about a Chicken Little existence!
It's an existence isn't it?
Perhaps I am ready for life...
Lord, I lift this up to You. Help me forgive not only others but myself as well. Help me change and grow. Help me walk a life in the safety and security of Your love. Help me receive that love and embrace all that it means. Without it, my life is sand.
"I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, and find out knowledge and discretion. The fear of the Lord is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way and the perverse mouth I hate. Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom; I am understanding, I have strength." Prov 8:12-14
Monday, 1 August 2016
Bonus! by Susan L.
I've talked about Earl Rowe Conservation area so often and the fact that it's at my front door has made me take it for granted. Before the heat got too bad, it seemed prudent to go for my daily walk. I took the camera so I can share the wonders of a path in the park.
The longer path, whose entrance is further up the road, meanders up one side of the river, crosses over a pair of bridges and an island, then leads back to the entrance closest to my house. It takes about fifty minutes to walk.
Most of the time, the lake or river can be seen from the path. Because it's a long weekend, there were many paddlers out enjoying the water. Motorboats are forbidden. I forget that for people in Toronto, we are the north!
Within the thousand acres that make up the park, there's picnic spots, campsites, a pool, a beach, and many other trails to hike. This one is merely the closest to my house. One of the trails overlooks the entire valley where the park is. I haven't quite got to hiking hills yet.
There are a variety of waterfowl and wading birds who grace the wetlands. There's a variety of song birds because there's a variety of habitats within the park. The water attracts Canada geese, blue and green herons, gulls, cormorants and even several Kingfishers. The Kingfishers seem to be as foul tempered as a red squirrel in that they are quick to chatter swear words at you when disturbed.
Once the campers leave for the season, I've seen deer and even a beaver merrily munching some young poplar.
The path is lined with a variety of wildflowers in yellow, white and purple. Raspberries love the location as much as I love the taste. The fruit is small this year but still provides a burst of flavour that has been warmed by the sun. I made a mistake once and popped a wild grape into my mouth. It was so sour my entire mouth caved in!
There are turtles but it seems every year something digs up their nests. At Grundy, the park staff asked to be informed where a nest was. It was covered with welded wire and heavy rocks to prevent the nest being plundered for someone's dinner. I wonder if Earl Rowe has the same sort of policy.
Looking at this picture of the bridge, it all looks so cool and inviting! The temperature is in the low thirties today with humidity through the roof. Typical of this time of year.
The cicadas were loud. Dragonflies in blue, red, black and white, and green were quick to flee when I got too near. The odd grasshopper also made flying leaps to escape this towering human. There's butterflies, bees, and a gazillion other bugs who make the area their home. I do hate walking through a spider's web, though. Mosquito repellent kept not only mosquitoes at bay but also the even more annoying deer flies. Worse are horse flies over an inch long that seem to tear a chunk of flesh out when they bite. Thank you, OFF bug spray!
It's nice to go for a walk in the evening. Watching the fish jump out of the water to feast on what was feasting on us gives a great deal of satisfaction. Some of the fish are quite large and can leap clear out of the water! There's also huge catfish sifting through the mud along the bottom of the river for whatever it is catfish eat.
This cedar lined path means I am almost home.
Thank You, Lord, there is such beauty and diversity a few steps away.
"Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises! For God is the King of all the earth; sing praises with understanding." Ps 48:6-7
The longer path, whose entrance is further up the road, meanders up one side of the river, crosses over a pair of bridges and an island, then leads back to the entrance closest to my house. It takes about fifty minutes to walk.
Most of the time, the lake or river can be seen from the path. Because it's a long weekend, there were many paddlers out enjoying the water. Motorboats are forbidden. I forget that for people in Toronto, we are the north!
Within the thousand acres that make up the park, there's picnic spots, campsites, a pool, a beach, and many other trails to hike. This one is merely the closest to my house. One of the trails overlooks the entire valley where the park is. I haven't quite got to hiking hills yet.
There are a variety of waterfowl and wading birds who grace the wetlands. There's a variety of song birds because there's a variety of habitats within the park. The water attracts Canada geese, blue and green herons, gulls, cormorants and even several Kingfishers. The Kingfishers seem to be as foul tempered as a red squirrel in that they are quick to chatter swear words at you when disturbed.
Once the campers leave for the season, I've seen deer and even a beaver merrily munching some young poplar.
There are turtles but it seems every year something digs up their nests. At Grundy, the park staff asked to be informed where a nest was. It was covered with welded wire and heavy rocks to prevent the nest being plundered for someone's dinner. I wonder if Earl Rowe has the same sort of policy.
Looking at this picture of the bridge, it all looks so cool and inviting! The temperature is in the low thirties today with humidity through the roof. Typical of this time of year. The cicadas were loud. Dragonflies in blue, red, black and white, and green were quick to flee when I got too near. The odd grasshopper also made flying leaps to escape this towering human. There's butterflies, bees, and a gazillion other bugs who make the area their home. I do hate walking through a spider's web, though. Mosquito repellent kept not only mosquitoes at bay but also the even more annoying deer flies. Worse are horse flies over an inch long that seem to tear a chunk of flesh out when they bite. Thank you, OFF bug spray!
It's nice to go for a walk in the evening. Watching the fish jump out of the water to feast on what was feasting on us gives a great deal of satisfaction. Some of the fish are quite large and can leap clear out of the water! There's also huge catfish sifting through the mud along the bottom of the river for whatever it is catfish eat.This cedar lined path means I am almost home.
Thank You, Lord, there is such beauty and diversity a few steps away.
"Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises! For God is the King of all the earth; sing praises with understanding." Ps 48:6-7
Walking Wary by Susan L.
The Lord has helped me be faithful to my desires to walk a bit every day. Even yesterday's pitiful, mizzling rain whose only purpose was to bring out the mosquitoes didn't stop me. (Lord, we need much more!) I'd walked on the road the day before but find the loop in the conservation area much easier because the path is softer. An added bonus is the uneven ground which means more muscles are being used. Except for the whining bugs, it felt good. Even after three days I can feel the difference. The boots are breaking in nicely.
Usually a walk in the park means a slow meander with the keen focus of being mindful of what's around me. I had to remind myself that even walking at a good pace, there is much to see. The macro treasures can wait for another day.
I am still amazed at the damage Easter's ice storm did. It hit me as well how much an area of planted pines has grown, seemingly over night. The branches are almost touching over the path. It's one of my favorite parts on the loop because of the sweet fragrance.
On a completely different note, last week I received a total of four pre-recorded messages. It started off "...agency to inform you that your name has been included..." It went on to say that some sort of legal action was imminent. Unless I took action right away, there would be dire financial consequences. They left a toll free number to call. Which I did to get them to stop harassing me. The number was out of service.
Can you spell "scam"?
First of all, the agency calling was nameless. Secondly, they didn't use my name at all. It makes me so angry that there are criminals out there who manipulate the truth for personal financial gain. It makes me even angrier that they use the phone to invade the sanctity of my home. And even though I called the number it was with grave concerns that somehow they could connect to my phone line for other nefarious purposes. Too much CSI I guess. Or maybe it's being savvy and alert.
There was one a while back, a caller claiming to be from a well known internet provider claiming they'd found a problem with my computer. I followed along, turning on the computer, asking questions but when I informed the caller I didn't have internet, he hung up. He was absolutely up to no good!
These situations merely drive home the necessity of being especially wary of unsolicited calls.
"Your dwelling place is in the midst of deceit; Through deceit they refuse to know Me," says the Lord." Jer 9:6
Usually a walk in the park means a slow meander with the keen focus of being mindful of what's around me. I had to remind myself that even walking at a good pace, there is much to see. The macro treasures can wait for another day.
I am still amazed at the damage Easter's ice storm did. It hit me as well how much an area of planted pines has grown, seemingly over night. The branches are almost touching over the path. It's one of my favorite parts on the loop because of the sweet fragrance.
On a completely different note, last week I received a total of four pre-recorded messages. It started off "...agency to inform you that your name has been included..." It went on to say that some sort of legal action was imminent. Unless I took action right away, there would be dire financial consequences. They left a toll free number to call. Which I did to get them to stop harassing me. The number was out of service.
Can you spell "scam"?
First of all, the agency calling was nameless. Secondly, they didn't use my name at all. It makes me so angry that there are criminals out there who manipulate the truth for personal financial gain. It makes me even angrier that they use the phone to invade the sanctity of my home. And even though I called the number it was with grave concerns that somehow they could connect to my phone line for other nefarious purposes. Too much CSI I guess. Or maybe it's being savvy and alert.
There was one a while back, a caller claiming to be from a well known internet provider claiming they'd found a problem with my computer. I followed along, turning on the computer, asking questions but when I informed the caller I didn't have internet, he hung up. He was absolutely up to no good!
These situations merely drive home the necessity of being especially wary of unsolicited calls.
"Your dwelling place is in the midst of deceit; Through deceit they refuse to know Me," says the Lord." Jer 9:6
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