Set In Stone by Susan L.

Thank You, Lord, for those who gave me the time and space to follow my heart's cries until I heard Your voice, loud and clear. Imagine a clean hardwood floor. Imagine someone clomping in wearing manure caked boots. Not once. Not twice but time after time. The only eventual concession was to lift them up so a piece of newspaper could be put underneath to catch the stuff oozing off. Now imagine that person thinking it was incredibly amusing. Especially when there was company. After a while, it wasn't worth complaining about or asking for it to stop. Those pleas were ignored. After a while it wasn't even worth washing the kitchen floor. Step by step, those reeking, steel toed boots kicked and bruised and maimed. They just never left a physical mark. I've gained a better understanding about what my illness, Post Traumatic Stress, is about. I've done copious amounts of reading, the clinical breakdowns of its symptoms. I really know what flashbacks are about and the panic attacks. That is what has had me struggling these last few months. And as I said yesterday, afraid because I can't find my way out of the memories. God gave my experiences a name: Soul Trauma. An incredible weight has lifted off of my shoulders. My heart and mind, too. Those two words validated my feelings. My emotions have been justified even though they seem to contradict each other on a regular basis. I can grieve without feeling guilty that it has taken so long to get to this point. I can be angry without guilt. The malicious cruelty, rife in my marriage that had me so beaten down is not mine to receive or believe I ever deserved that treatment. The boot story is true. Father, forgive me for casting my pearls before swine. "But blessed are your eyes for they see, and your ears for they hear." Mat 13:16

A Bit Mixed Up by Susan L.

I confess I am getting hate and anger all twisted around. Season it with dollop of fatigue, a dash of unwanted bitterness and blatherings like yesterday's blog explode. The Black River's waters are still gaining strength and I am afraid. There it is. On paper. In black and white. Confession. Admission. Honesty offered up to God. Writing about anger is safer than exploring the stew of my own upwelling emotions. Fall out from TIR therapy (Traumatic Incident Reduction). Other unpleasant memories cascade through my mind. Connected, nightmare events I wish I could just walk away from. The memories are so vivid, I can even smell them. I have no strength to deny them. It was so long ago but at the same time feels like yesterday when insult was added to injury; the deep and cutting wounds that rocked my reality. Being laughed at, mocked, for my anger. Dismissed. Disregarded. Denied. Help me, Father, find forgiveness in my heart. Live me. Love me. Show me. Grow me, my Lord. Please, set me free! In Jesus' name I pray. "And that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness." Eph 4:24

Looking at "Wrong" by Susan L.

Who or what defines "wrong"? I am talking emotional responses, not laws. Culture, upbringing, relationships and faith often clash in trying to grasp what is right or wrong. It gets confusing. What is right in one sense is wrong in another. When did our carefully shaped social conscience become the sole determiner of how we express ourselves emotionally? This is the biggy: hate. It's a powerful four letter word. It needs to be logically illogical. We need to be able to set aside our cultural teachings about who or what to hate. (Prejudice, suspicion) In Christian circles we are taught to hate the sin yet love the sinner. For some reason the ideology has percolated up that all hate is wrong. I guess a sign of growing emotional maturity is being able to separate the two, sin and sinner. Another is being honest with God about how I feel as I walk through the process of letting go. There are good days when I can reach this point of hating the sin and find within my heart the love towards those who have hurt me. Some days I can only get as far as having compassion for them. It's a process. How I feel is never wrong. And here's the crux of my own historically defined sense of wrong: Ugly emotions are bad. Happy, touchy-feelie emotions are good. Denying either is living only half a life. Denying any of it leaves no place to grow as a person. Thank You, Lord, for all my emotions! None of which fit the "wrong" classification. Amen! "For I am fearfully and wonderfully made." PS 139:14

Logically Illogical by Susan L.

I've been seeking an answer to a question I didn't know I was asking. It's simply been a vague, haunting puzzlement. Confusion in other words. The answer came from my psychiatrist yesterday. I knew it was an answer because an illusive heaviness in my heart and soul lifted as random, ill- defined pieces suddenly clicked together. He said to me, "Emotions are not logical, they simply are what they are." This was connected to Wednesday's TIR session. Most of the emotions connected to the particular memory we visited were polar opposites: love/hate, panic/relief, anger/defeat just to name a few. I was having a hard time reconciling the positive feelings to what had taken place. At the same time, I was feeling guilty about the bad ones. Now. Which is which? What a messy conundrum! My Doctor's statement has released me of the driving need to make sense if it all. What I can do is use this new insight as an opportunity for validation. Yes, I feel many things. None of my feelings are "wrong"! "You also, as living stones, are being built up a spiritual house, a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ." 1 Pet 2:5

The Garden Unplanned by Susan L.

Wandering around my flowerbeds I've noticed plants spontaneously appearing where nothing was planted. Some might call them weeds. Dandelions maybe...it's nice to see daisies, though. Forget-me-nots, pink, blue and white have crossed the property line from my neighbours. Poppies pop up. A type of indigenous fern moved in that is different than the classic fiddlehead variety. I acquired a type of day lily, deep burgundy and yellow. I have no idea how that got there!. Wild cucumber, a tender vine with a lovely pale green leaf grows near the road. There's a spot near the ferns that grows a type of mushroom in the leaf litter. Communities of them appear regularely although I don't know if they are edible. They are a beautiful mocha brown. I suppose an avid horticulturalist might be mortified at the chaos these invaders create in otherwise carefully laid out gardens. For me, it's God adding His embellishments and I am thankful for the wonderful surprises He tucks throughout the yard. "Then the nations which are left all around shall know that I, the Lord, have rebuilt the ruined places and planted what was desolate." Ez 36:36

Heart Thoughts by Susan L.

I struggle terribly with making decisions. Second guessing is second nature. It doesn't take much for me to spiral into a mass of shame, confusion and doubt. For such a long time my decisions were wrong simply out of principle. There were punishing consequences when I dared to make a decision on my own no matter how trivial. The silent treatment was the worst. Being subjected to unadulterated rage was a close second. I never knew what was coming. The subtly drilled in idea that I was incredibly stupid grew in this fertile environment. (I'm not!) It's hard for me to swallow when well meaning people question my decisions based on their understandings of the situation. Their "encouragement" to either set aside or go against my personal choices corrodes my struggling self confidence. I need to ask myself why does it matter so incredibly much? Their opinions I mean. Why does it hurt so much to be questioned? I need to claim this: I know what I need to do in order to stay well. I know what I can't do at this time in my life in order to stay well. I know these things are fluid and ever changing. What may be necessary now might be a trivial matter tomorrow. I'll leave the door open. May God's will be done. "Jesus said to him, "Rise, take up your bed and walk." Jon 5:9

Loose Tongue by Susan L.

My mouth sometimes races ahead of my brain and I say something which doesn't sit quite right with my conscience. At least, I don't feel it was right. This seemed to happen several times this week topped with not speaking up when it was needed. Good old conflict avoidance behaviour. The mental hamsters had a good run. Replaying the scenarios is such a futile exercise. I can now laugh at myself. It doesn't matter because opportunities "appeared" yesterday so I could make amends: by apologising, and being able to practice true peer support. Thank You, Lord, for enabling me to trust and utilize the communication skills learned in PREFER trainings. Thank You that I have gained a better grasp of leading without being commanding. Than You for giving me the opportunity to facilitate a much needed group discussion that was a safe place for everyone to practice self advocacy and boundary setting. Myself included! It must be spring. There was a huge amount of personal growth this week. Again, thank You! But does it have to be so exhausting? ;) "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." Mat 5:16