Being Mind-full by Susan L.

My sump pump is running gang busters with the thaw and rain. It's loud because the basement is unfinished and has a cement floor. I am usually not consciously aware of it but part of me listens. Within two minutes water gurgles in filling the pit. Silence grows as it fills. Hum of pump motor kicking in. Gurgle. Click as the pump turns off. Repeat. If it stops running it only takes an hour to cover the floor with two inches of water. Familiar sounds. Every home has them, its own unique voice. We listen, watchfully, without hearing. The phrase sub-audible comes to mind. All of my journey into wellness has been because I learned to listen for the sub-audible. This is God's gentle nudges that lead me down unexplored streams to the rivers of repentance, forgiveness, growth and healing. "For waters shall burst forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert." Is 35:6

Scribblers by Susan L.

I've gone through several pens drafting my blog long hand. I enjoy the pen-paper-enter process because it grounds my day. The satisfying scratch of the pen generates a physical connection to the words. The sound turns writing into an act of intimacy, a labour of love. Today sees the end of the notebook that saw me begin this journey. Throughout my recovery I've prayed my way through many spiral bound exercise books. When one is finished it recaptures fond memories of childish anticipations. The teacher would dig out the jingling keys to the store room. Her mission was to get a new book after making sure all available space had been utilized in my shabby old scribbler. I never knew what colour it would be. Watercolour pink, blue, yellow or green were the only options. Taking this treasure back to my desk, I carefully inscribed my name on its crisp clean cover. Getting the S's almost perfect. The bristol board cover had to be pressed back by a firm thumb so it would obediently lay open. The first gleamimg page was soft, cushioned against the hard desktop by the pages of tomorrow. These books always had a faint scent of ink...blue lines and crisp red margins just waiting to be explored. "Therefore every scribe instructed concerning the kingdom of Heaven is like a householder who brings out of his treasure things new and old." Mat 13:52

Wake Up Call by Susan L.

Hope is that intangible sense of something that lifts our hearts into a place beyond our own mortality. —--------------------------- Now I've officially started working at the Krasman Centre I realize how much it means to have a job. Maybe it's a cultural thing but I don't believe so. We all need to work at something. . Oh. That was my culture talking! I may have not gotten a paycheck but I have never worked on anything as hard as I worked on my recovery. That was my job. My focus was my survival. And something else. I never would have known how God looks after us in so many ways. He provided for me and I didn't have to raise a finger. "A time to break doen, and a time to build up," Ecc 3:3

Show Review by Susan L.

So I checked out the first TV episode of "Cracked!" on CBC. My initial response was one of sadness because the murderer was once again portrayed as a person with schizophrenia. At the same time there was a great deal of compassion towards this character that revealed him as a human being. This is different. I will give credit to those who came up with the idea for the show. It is about a special unit of the Toronto police which has been formed to deal with persons under extreme duress or in crises. In real life there is a multidisciplinary team of mental health services, including police. They are becoming more informed as they are often the first responders to an emergency. Sadly, this is a need that is growing. Too bad that wasn't the show opener. As for the title? It isn't ideal because it is aimed at someone portraying a mental illness. Isn't every human being cracked or damaged in some way? My hope is as the characters develop, so will more truths about mental illness. And, hey, if this show sparks open dialogue? That is a good thing. I am laughing at myself a bit...Didn't I make the comment a few blogs ago about God's ability to use anything to reach His children? Lord, show me the possibilities! "I will stand my watch and set myself on the rampart. And watch to ser what He will say to me and what I will answer when I am corrected." Hab 2:1

The Easy Road by Susan L.

It is okay to talk about our past. It is life that helps shape our identity. The setting aside the old man means we can live and grow to become the beautiful people God planned from the dawn of time. Pointing fingers, laying blame on others for our circumstances is the easy road. Staying angry is easy, too easy sometimes. Allowing bitterness to taint our hearts is easy. Living as perpetual victims, a martyr, is the easy road. Letting go is hard. Letting in is harder. One of the ladies at my writer's group discussed intimacy: Into-Me-You-See, she quoted. How true! Vulnerability is intertwined with that like a DNA strand. Without allowing our hearts to take a gamble on being vulnerable, there can be no deep and meaningful connections to God and our fellow man. It's that child thing Jesus talks about. Maybe I have it backwards. Letting in comes first. Only then do we, did I, have the ability to let go or even enter into the long kept secret hurts of my soul. All these incidents, these secrets, made me sick, emotionally, physically and spititually. It was all wrapped in what are matters of the heart. An organ God is most concerned about. A short paragraph belies the effort and time it took. It minimizes how many locked rooms had to be opened. Trust was slow to grow but began privately with God and my pen. Being vulnerable was the most frightening thing of all. Eventually the Lord brought people into my life one at a time who I dared to trust and could practise on. My wounds made me cautious but God also helped me discern who would honour that risk. We buy lottery tickets. We cross a street. We get behind the wheel of our cars. Gambling is in our nature. So is risk taking. Taking the risk to let go offers a far greater reward. It starts by wanting to be free. Just so you know. Jesus is already there waiting for us to find Him. "Jesus came, the doors being shut, and stood in the midstand said, "Peace to you!" Jn 20:26

Future by Susan L.

I have hopes and dreams I do...but to write them down, to make a list is hard for me to do. Performance, achievement, success, failure. Choke me. Because hopeless was my life before, until the very recent past. Yet, hope remained in hidden spots: a something, Something I longed for in those despairing times was waiting there for me. Bad days turned to nightmares, oh, the tales I could tell. Adrift, afraid and tired I merely sailed the storm as crashing waves of pain, of grief kept me on my knees. That was then. This is now. Today the days are dawning fresh, the sunrise is my soul because the Lord, my Light, my Life, my Hope, is the one who brought me sailing through the endless days of night. He tenderly and gently set me on an unfamiliar shore. A place that to my wounded heart is paradise untold. It is such an indescribable spot. Every fibre of my being fills with silent awe because there IS a future meant for me and me alone. I admit it is quite frightening, this belief I've never held: tommorrow. Tomorrow! The gift of a tomorrow! A newly born anticipation fills my breast as I imagine endless possibilities for the first time in my life. In saying that, I can write no list. No worldly goals I'll set because truly said and surrendered, God is the Author of my list. (I would like to explain to my readers that I have had a form of depression called Dysthymia since I was approximately seven years old. It severely impacted my ability to believe in a fuure. It wraps every thought and emotion in a wool blanket. Coupled with repeated trauma, well, anything beyond the moment didn't exist. Again, I thank God for medications and the people He placed in my life who have helped me recover and claim a life of wellness.) "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." Eph 5:1

"Have a Little Faith" by Susan L.

The title is not mine but the name of a book by Mitch Albom. He is a talented and gifted writer. All his books that I 've read are full of thoughtful wisdom. Within their covers lay many affirmations of my own ideas about life and faith. This autobiographical book is about his relationship with his Rabbi and a Christian pastor. Mostly its about his own spiritual awakening. At one point the Rabbi talks about depression. I was afraid it was going to be a hard pill to swallow. I have been on the receiving end of the good intentioned words, "You just need more faith! Then you'll be well!" Those are the harshest words I know. Surprisingly it wasn't. It was a dissertation about the over use of the word "depression". Like me, the Rabbi is saddened by the speed at which pills are prescribed to treat the sorrows of life. It is shocking. The difficult times in our lives, like losing a loved one were never meant to be fixed by a magic pill. These are not a sickness. Yes, there are tough times. Yes, clinical depression often needs medical intervention. I am personally thankful they exist. Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank You, Lord, for the bumps in the road, the mountains in my path that draw me nearer to Thee!! "When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him; when He turns to tthe right hand, I cannot see Him; but He knows the way that I take." Job 23:9