Unanswered Ponderings by Susan L.

This can be a hard time of year for so many people. The recent loss or not so recent loss of a loved one can often be felt so acutely in a season geared to family gatherings. May God be with you at this time. Oddly enough, my own father has been in my thoughts lately although he's been gone twenty-nine years this month. His sudden death at 62 came as a shock to all of us. It hit me hard at the time being the ripe old age of nineteen. My Mom has since remarried to a wonderful, caring and compassionate man. He is a blessing to all our lives. My dad was a child of the Great Depression, a WWII veteran, and educated to grade 5. After that, self-taught and bi-lingual. He eventually rose to the ranks of upper/middle management in a large mortgage and housing corporation. He always had a hammer in his hand, constantly upgrading and improving or downright building the homes we lived in. The smell of sawdust reminds me of him. He achieved so much and I wonder what his thoughts would be on how my life turned out: divorced, and living with mental illness, not able to work full time (at this point) but relying on government assistance to get by. I know he was highly prejudiced about "those lazy _______!" It's funny how much this matters to me...one day we'll have a chance to talk. In the mean time, I 'll trust in a greater Father to uphold me and sustain me throughout this period of transition and recovery from the depths of the Black River. "Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Lk 12:33

No Small Gratitude by Susan L.

Thank You, Lord, for treasures sent, The weakened man, the woman bent, By age or life or strife. Who have within a heart of gold, Who have aided me in ways untold, By simply being there. Thank You, Lord, for the paths You laid, And although they walked sore afraid, Their hands reached out to help. The lives You planned have met with mine, A tangible, visible, Holy sign, That You are with us all. "For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you,'Fear not, I will help you.'" Is 41:13

Side Order by Susan L.

Yesterday a conversation took place at the centre. I asked if anyone would mind me blogging about it. Confidentiality is very important to those of us who go there so, with permission and some artistic license (my memory ain't what it used to be) here goes: "I am suffering from insomnia. I've started a new medication and one of the side effects is insomnia. That's all I need! Why can't side effects be more like this?" "You will get the perfect amount of sleep and will wake feeling rested and alert. There will be no weight gain. In fact your weight will automatically settle at the perfect size and shape of a super model. Your mind will become as sharp as a tack; complicated math problems will be a breeze. You will be able to remember where you left your purse or keys or what you needed the moment you enter a store. Lactation will occur only if you are a nursing mother. You will not shake or twitch except on the dance floor. Eyesight will parallel that of a bald eagle. Your hair will become thick and shiny. The only concern about liver and kidneys is how to get your kids to eat them!" At the time we were all laughing, so able to relate. It does the heart good to poke some fun at the trials we face. However, and I am sure this is the story for all medications no matter the illness, it can be a tough call to decide whether or not to take the stuff when the phisical cost can be so very high. I pray my friend will find what is needed to improve the quality of their life with minimal side effects to contend with. Medications do perform a much needed role after all in helping us live with illness; mental or otherwise. "So the king gave the command, and they brought Daniel and cast him into the den of lions. But the king spoke, saying to Daniel, "Your God, whom you serve continually, will deliver you."" Dan 6:16

The Same Old Song by SusanL.

My mind is full of Christmas this morning: the need-to-do's, the gotta-hurry-up-and-do's. I know it will get done in time, it always has but today needs to be a bit of a rest day. There is some residual after effects due to yesterday's anxiety explosion. It has left me feeling a little wrung out and cautious. This anxiety thing is a little hard to swallow some times. It bears keeping in mind that I am a gazillion times better than when I was first diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in 2007. In the beginning it took all my energy simply to leave the house. With God at the helm, most of the traumas at the root of this illness have been worked through. The all consuming flashbacks are now just painful memories...I confess, I'm being awfully hard on myself because... Hold on a second. If I had a broken leg or other visibly physical disability it wouldn't matter that I was unable to do all the running around my shopping list required. You know, I keep getting tripped up by my own attitudes about Mental Illness. They are so deeply entrenched in my psyche. The devil's litany rings out: weak, useless, incompetent, failure, blah, blah, blah. Liar! Thank You, Lord for Your persistence in helping all of us understand the truth of how You see everything that impacts our lives. The good, the bad, and the ugly are redeemed through Your love for us. "In the day of my trouble I will call upon You, for You will answer me." Ps86:7

Red Alert by Susan L.

So I had a busy day running here, running there. This and that to pick up. There were a couple of items on a short grocery list so I decided to pop in to the local Zehrs. I had to give up shopping there quite a while ago. It's massive. It's busy. So much so th aat the last time I was there a full fledged panic attack set in and my cart was abandoned into the capable hands of a stock boy. He looked terrified, seeing this grown woman in such a state. The tears were threatening to spill over as my entire body and mind screamed, "RUN!!!!". So I did. Today, weaving my way through the busy produce section trying to find the milk which I figured was at the far end like it always is; something about impulse purchases along the way. I looked down the length of the store and it did one of those special effect thingies where the far end seemed to stretch even further into the distance. My chest tightened up, my lungs froze, my head starting edging into full panic mode. I looked at my empty cart and headed for the exit. Okay, I still don't do busy very well and putting my body into high alert mode is not good. It does take a toll both mentally and physically, all those endorphines and adrenaline can be used up. Not good. I got my milk at the local drug store and surprise! Surprise! I saved twenty cents! "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Ps 56:3

Connect-the-Dots by Susan L.

It was a clear night and the plane was humming along nicely at thirty five thousand feet. Far below, tiny pinpricks of light were clustered together illuminating towns and cities. Like a vast spider web single rows of evenly spaced sparks linked these clusters to each other. There were few places left where there were no lights at all. This was a dream and when I woke it was with a greater understanding of what being Christian means. We are the carriers of Light in the darkness, that's just one part. This dream truly demonstrated just how connected we are within the Spiritual internet that spans the globe. Yesterday's blog was about housework, so was a friend's. (It's nice to know I am not alone in that struggle.) When I was in New Zealand, the little chapel I attended was discussing the same topic as the church here at home, half a world away. On another occasion while in hospital, someone brought me a photocopy of a page from the classic devotional "Streams in the Desert". I had debated bringing my own copy, one I had barely looked at since acquiring it at a church sale but ended up disregarding that urge. This person, who I didn't know very well brought me a treasure that assured me I was exactly where I was supposed to be. The list of these mini-miracles is far too great to share. They happen far too frequently to be mere coincidence...unless "Coincidence" is one of the many names of God's Holy Spirit. Thank-you Lord, for such a priceless gift. "He who believes in me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart shall flow rivers ofliving water." Jn 7:38

Willy Nilly Silly by Susan L.

Saturday. Chore day. Laundry, floors and dust. I don't know when this started but it seems that we must: Scrub and clean and wipe and shine, Until we see our faces, In things we own that were never meant to see our faces in!!------ Gotta love the silly stuff. I don't know about you but housework is an area I struggle with. Give me spade, lawnmower or pruning shears and I am content as content could be. Or better yet, give me the opportunity to use my sliding compound mitre saw; the Nirvana of tools! There's something comforting about the smell of sawdust. A smell I grew up with because my Dad was always renovating something. It is amazing how much clutter one person can generate. Where does it come from? Mind you, my friend told me my living room is my studio. There's a sewing project on the go, a half finished dollhouse, my paints and brushes litter the coffee table because I am working on Christmas gifts as I watch TV. Whew! Organized chaos! Just let me find space for my Christmas tree. Hmmm...that's going to take some thought... "And Sarah said, 'God has made me laugh, and all who hear will laugh with me.'" Gen 21:6