"You are the light of the world--like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand where it gives light to everyone in the house." Matthew 5:14-15
Sunday was an especially difficult day. The tears and grief kept coming in waves. It started in church the moment the worship music touched my soul.
Our pastor opened her teaching with the scripture about listening to the teaching of Jesus and following His ways from Matthew 7:24. That way our house, built on a foundation of bedrock, will be able to withstand the storms.
My pen did what it does...and this image was created. I didn't really understand the significance at the time. The grief was overwhelming. To be fair, I've spent the last several days writing a letter to God about everything that happened in the last month of my step-dad's life. As of today, it's over twenty-three pages long.
Up to this point, it's simply been a record of events as they unfolded; a timeline to help me keep track of everything. Since I was in stress induced, hyper-vigilant mode the entire time, there is a lot of detail. And I am grateful for this survival mechanism. Writing it down is laying a foundation I can stand on in order to move forward.
It's something I needed to do, to cement events firmly into my brain. It's about validating the experiences as well as building trust in my own senses and perceptions. For far too long, the effects of gaslighting have caused me to doubt so much. Having everything written down gives me ammunition to overcome those who would try to deny the truth.
Today my therapist asked the question, "If the Lord was talking to you now, what would He say about you?" It was near the end of our session and was a logical question in light of everything we'd discussed up to this point.
I thought for a bit and with a cheeky grin said, "I am pretty freaking amazing."
Both of us laughed. I tapped my head, "This brain of mine is special. It's smart." I went on to talk about high school, about graduating with honours without having to try. There might have even been scholarships but it was more important that I didn't make people feel bad about themselves.
I confess to making fun of those who used all their smarts to succeed in school. (God forgive me for that.) As children, we only do what we've been taught, don't we?
Then the bomb dropped..."It is important to not make mom feel stupid."
And all of a sudden my heart understood what putting a basket on my light meant to my life, my experiences, my choices, my behaviours and my mental and emotional health. I understood the damage of gaslighting because gaslighting now has a recognizable shape. It's a basket used to suffocate the light of someone else.
And I crawled under it time and again because it was where the illusion of safety lived.
As I sit here, metaphorically kneeling on the Rock of my faith, I hear the storm of echoes. The words said, which directly and indirectly infused my life with "THE RULES." But, hey, rules are made to be broken aren't they? Especially when the authors of those rules are the need for power and control, jealousy, cruelty, shame, blame, guilt, and the heavy, heavy burden of false responsibility.
It has to be the ugliest basket ever made.
I no longer want to hide under it even though it has provided a false sense of safety. It's not really safe. At all. Lord, fill me with resolve to never, ever, ever crawl under it again. In Jesus name, AMEN!
