Stages of Grief by Susan L.

  I don't have my affirmation list with me. It got left at home. So did my Bible. The Bible isn't too much of an obstacle to overcome because there are so many versions online now.
  And maybe it's okay to take this time to sort through my thoughts and feelings about what is happening right now.
  What has surprised me the most is a newly discovered whack of grief.
  Here's the background...I am spending as much time as possible at my Uncle's. He is fading fast. It's cancer...
  I think that says it all.
  As I putter around the kitchen or sit on the front porch, I have been reminded of my beloved Aunt. She's been gone over ten years now. Her passing happened right in the midst of the start of my own difficulties. I guess the sorrow got relegated to the background.
  Memories keep popping up. The sewing she did for my boys. Being taught how to do a crazy quilt. Seeing her sewing room in the basement utterly devoid of anything but dust and cobwebs is especially hard even though it's been empty for years now. I even helped my uncle clear some of the things out.
  It seems a lifetime ago.
  I guess it was.
  I remember her first visit to the farm when she and a young son of mine went through an entire 80 pound bag of chicken feed in two days simply because they were having so much fun feeding them! Oh, how proud she was to lead my giant, gentlest of mares into the barn.
  Come to think of it, I've a photo of my uncle sitting on our pony. He has the biggest, silliest little boy smile on his face.
  Maybe this is what grief is. Smiles and fond memories seasoned with tears pricking at my eyes.
  There is a meeting tomorrow to make sure my uncle has all the support he needs as long as he is able to stay in his own home, until he is at the point to be transferred into hospice care.
  I can't be here all the time for a number of reasons. I can only do what I am able to do.
  I think there's some guilt there. Lord, help me be at peace.
  I am going to close with one of the few verses I have memorized, that has helped sustain me through many difficult days.
  "I will abide under the shadow of the Almighty, Under His wings I will take refuge." Psalm 94