Hunger by Susan L.

 Since church is being regarded as a desensitization opportunity there needs to be another place or way where my spirit can be filled. Although I pray church will soon be more than a therapeutic option once the male-voice trigger is resolved. Lord, I am trusting You that it will. If You have a better idea I'd be more than happy to listen and obey!
  Is this a question of forgiveness? I know that sounds like a simple solution and I've said the words many, many times. Could You help that forgiveness join the gratitude in the marrow of my bones? Could You help me live without fear?
  Yes. I am angry. Every time I reach for my meds, it makes me angry. Angry that I need them to sleep, to live without chronic and debilitating anxiety. But I am also very tired of being this way. The on-guard watchfulness that is as instinctual as breathing is becoming exhausting. PTSD the doctors call it. Never feeling safe...well, that's not completely true. There are moments.
  Is this a question of pride? Or is part of my watchfulness simply an acknowledgement of the worth You have worked so carefully and lovingly to instill? That I am worth watching out for, worth guarding, worth caring for? Okay, I guess taking the meds acknowledges that worth, too. I can live with that.
  I don't think that is really the issue here anyways. These questions are about core beliefs; about how I regard society and my place in it. This is about setting aside hammered home lessons and being open to new ideas, new understandings. It's about being open to hearing God's truth...and being honest and open with Him. I haven't been doing that lately but have simply been keeping my head down and plodding along.
  Lord, the photos stirred up a lot. Help them be a catalyst of healing. In Jesus' name I pray.
  "But there was another eagle with large wings and many feathers; and behold, this vine bent its roots toward him, from the garden terrace where it had been planted, that he might water it. It was planted in good soil by many waters, to bring forth branches, bear fruit, and become a majestic vine." Ez 17:7-8
  (Thank You, Lord, for Your Word.)