Working Through by Susan L.

  I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of days about what happened Sunday when the panic attack erupted. I am filled with gratitude because of the support and kindness which has come my way through the congregation, friends and even through the blog.
  The pastor made reference several times to the Robert Burns' poem containing the line, "If only we could see ourselves as others see us." That was a favorite saying of my ex only he used it as a justification to malign just about everyone, from strangers to friends. Hearing those words repeated was fuel for the building panic and the sense of being trapped in ugliness. My ex was really good at finding fault with everything. But then, people who are unhappy...Lord, I lift him up to You once again.
  I've always hated those words because it's a hard saying. A cruel saying. It's one that gives permission to judge others, to measure them against ourselves. More to the point, it should be: "If only we could see ourselves as God sees us"! Can you imagine? There would be love pouring out all over the place in an unstoppable flood. The unsaved would be drawn to us like a moth to a flame. Knocking on door evangelizing wouldn't be necessary.
  Which leads to the stress many pastors put on evangelizing. Again, there's something missing in that teaching. Jesus would go off by Himself before He gave many of His greatest speeches. He needed an intimate time of prayer with His heavenly Father before He could share the message of salvation with those who hungered.
  Times of intimacy are crucial. It's where we get fed. It's where we can talk to the Lord about our fears, our mistakes, our desires. It's where we can come to know God's grace and His desires for our lives. It's where we can come to know we are His beloved for all eternity since time began. It's where we can learn to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, how to let ourselves be filled by Him and how to set our own agendas aside.
  Without that connection, our words become legalistic and religious. Empty.
  Trust takes practice and nurturing. Letting go is challenging. It takes time to develop an intimate relationship with God. Worldly fathers or male relationships often influence how we see our heavenly Father. It's where I started my dialog because one of my very first prayers was, "God, don't let me be bitter." As He has healed me and continues to do so, my prayer is to have more of Him in my life.
  All I need to do is ask because truth is the offspring of trust.
  "Behold I send the Promise of My Father upon you; but tarry in the city of Jerusalem until you are endued with power from on high." Lk 24:49